a quickie

1. i binged today. although not huge. it was a 2 out of 10, or a fender bender if you will. hopefully my fender won't be bending outwards anytime soon. does that make sense? whatever. i had: 1 medium sugar-free yogen fruz with raspberries and blueberries (leave it to me to cave into my ice cream craving on 1 of the coldest days of the year), 2 cups grapes, 2 clementimes, and 12 Quality Street chocolates. to note: this did take place over the course of 3 hours, in the midst of which i made the 50 minute walk home from my friend's pad. also to note: friend is female. i am still very much alone in this winter wonderland.

2. 10 points left until sunday. cocktail party after work tmrw. one of my best friend's birthdays on saturday. twilight tickets for sunday. can i do it? why, yes i can! plan of attack: earn 3 activity points at tomorrow's workout to cover 1 glass of wine at cocktail part; earn 5 activity points on saturday via heavy-duty cardio to allow for 6 drinks at night (total 12 points - have to leave some room for a snack somewhere along the way); and, smartpop-it on sunday (besides, i'll be too busy drooling during the movie to eat).

3. i'm jealous of my friends with boyfriends. when it's winter, all i want is a boyfriend. and not just because my birthday and xmas fall within 2 weeks of each other (ca-ching, ca-ching! ahhh jeeze, givemeabreak - i'm kidding!), but because when it's cold outside, and i'm cold inside (dbc factoid of the day: i have poor circulation, which means i'm shivering even when it's sweltering out), all i want to do is snuggle up with someone by a fireplace and drink cocoa. not that this ever happened in my last relationship, or the 1 before that, or... ever really. but when i DO meet the perfect guy... well, you now know what we'll be doing when it's blizzzarding out. and it will be magical. and 150% non-sexual ;) because that's what perfect people in perfect relationships do right? right? no? you mean their virgins? stopping now...

4. i'm still being slammed by work.

5. my aunt is doing better - fingers crossed!! i. love. you. healthy thoughts your way.

6. my sugar high from 1,789,578,234 candies i had is starting to wear off and now i have a headache. owie!

another day, another post

well hello there, world. it's me, dbc - you may not recognize me as i've spent the past 2 weeks under a rock, also known as the downtown toronto tower in which i work. i've been working morning, noon, and night - and when i'm not working, i'm recuperating from working. take this weekend, for example. 2 all nighters (wed. +thurs.) does not for a fun weekend make. in fact, the past 2 nights i've been in bed by 11 pm. i'm so wiped i couldn't even make it through an entire session with my personal trainer yesterday. i feel like such a wimp!

i wish i could say that work is the worst of my problems right now, but it's not - this week i found out that my very dear great aunt has ovarian cancer. now, don't let her status as my "great aunt" confound you - having grown up without any grandparents, she is the closest thing i've ever had to a grandmother, and that is what i consider her to be. unfortunately for my family, ovarian cancer isn't the most, hmmm, how to put this, "humane" of cancers - very little can be done once it spreads. and spread it has. it's a silent killer - 1 one minute you think you're fine (no symptoms, no nothing), and the next wham! you find out if you've had it for about 2 years. needless to say, i plan on spending my day with her in the hospital.

due to the obscene hours i've been putting in at work i've fallen off the bandwagon hard - and i mean HARD. in fact, it's more like the bandwagon ran over me a few times (reverse, drive forward, reverse, drive forward, ... repeat times 80) ok, ok, perhaps i'm being slightly melodramatic. at last sunday's weigh in i was down to 146.5 lbs (loss of about 0.6), but i couldn't face the music today - thursday through last night were miserable with a capital m. what's frustrating is that i wasn't even working yesterday and up until dinner i was 110% on track. but then one treat led to another which led to 4 fudgeos (ahhh, the delights of still living at home), which led to about a cup of chocolate fudge crackle ice cream. the whole time i kept thinking to myself, "why the eff am i eating this? i'm not even hungry! in fact, i'm still full from yesterday's binge fest!" but ate i did and now i need to get the eff over it. when i eat like that (not that i ate tons of food, but i ate mindlessly - without control), i still get really upset with myself. so, how can i prevent this from happening again? well, i'll tell you:

1. consider the emotional consequences first. although it may taste great at the time, it's really not worth it after the fact.
2. find other stress releases! distract, distract, distract. sure, bingeing may make my problems "disappear" temporarily, but it really only adds another one to the list in the long run. realize that it's not a solution - it's a diversion, and a negative one at that.

my first goal for this week is not to be perfect in my healthy habits, but to improve upon last week - baby steps always.

something i've realized about myself through all of this (excessive work, lack of social life, family troubles) is that when i'm not happy i don't take care of myself. i let the things that are truly important to me slip, which only exacerbates my fears. i need to stop this vicious cycle before it truly spirals out of control. which brings me to my second goal for the week: focus on being happy or, when it comes to my great aunt, making the best of sh*tty circumstances.

one thing that makes me very happy: twilight premier next weekend!! edward, er, robert pattison, makes me feel like a 14-year-old school girl again and i absolutely love it. he is such a dreamboat... us single girls need our outlets ;)

november challenge

unfortunately don't have time for a well thought-out post today, as i'm just sitting down to watch gossip girl, a.k.a. queen b slay her interview at yale with s. anyways, since i now spend my days making "sick decks", i will now proceed to itemize the major going ons in my life over the past 2 months:

1. attended new york fashion week in september. naturally, it was incredible. had the best time attending the shows, going for dinner at fancy restaurants, partying in the rainbow room, ... aaamazing.
2. saw my ex-bf with his new gf out on the town. oh, and did i mention the new girl works with him? and that he recruited her to work with him last winter, when were still very much together? well now you know. that was a tough week or two.
3. started my new job in early october. it's amazing! i love the people, the projects, the atmosphere, everything. it's great. just great. i'm very happy there.

and now onto the topic at hand, my november challenge. see, the thing is i was hugely successful with dropping weight until about thanksgiving weekend. then i was at my lowest weight in years at 145.8 lbs (please keep in mind that my scale weighs about 3 lbs heavy - i use it for reference more than anything). last sunday i was 147.1 lbs. this weekend, however, was a total and complete disaster. i want to get back on track, working towards my ultimate goal of 135 lbs. the following is my strategy for doing just that:

eating
24 points per day, 35 flex points per week. focus on core foods, and avoid eating processed foods and aspartame as much as possible. keep sodium to a minimum - i.e., sushi once per week, few soups, no popcorn (even if it is smartpop), etc. save flex points for social engagements.

exercise
aim to workout 5 times per week, ideally 3 times during the week and twice on weekends. meet with personal trainer every thursday morning before work. and always stretch! not stretching after working out equals more pain and less calories burned.

sleeping
aim for 7 hours per night. in bed by 10:30 pm to wake up at 5:30 am.

emotional
no binge eating. do not manage work-related stresses with food. come home, relax, clean, shop, blog, whatever. just don't eat. and as for that whole new boy situation? remember that eating because you're happy is still emotional eating. you got that?

one day at a time

that's how i'm taking this whole "weight watchers" thing right now: focusing on each day as a separate entity, making smart decisions, going to the gym bright and early when i'd rather beat the living crap out of my alarm clock, ... except for today. today i'm choosing to give myself a break. actually, my body is demanding that i give myself a break. now, this may have something to do with one, or some combination of, the following: (1) i drank my face off last night (as a self-proclaimed light weight, this loosely translates to a bottle of wine and a vodka redbull or 2), (2) i chain smoked 1/2 a pack of cigarettes (this, in turn, may have something do with the fact that my current crush is a part-time chimney - funny how these things work, isn't it?), (3) i only got 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (and why yes, this may also have something to do with my crush du jour), and/or (4) i'm in the midst of re-watching the entire 1st season of sex and the city (episode 9 here i come!) but then again, maybe my body is just too spent from the hour-long yoga class i went to yesterday. good luck, sherlock - some mysteries are never meant to be solved.

excuse me, for i digress.

for today's post is not about the amazingly awesome, super-great night i had last night, but rather, about the little decisions i made during the day that allowed last night to happen. allow me to explain. yesterday's weigh in was downright depressing - up 1.5 lbs after being 100% on track all week. i consumed minimal alcohol (no more than 1/2 a pitcher), exercised 4 days of 7 (including 1 weight training session), only ate about 1/2 of my activity points, and even had 10 flex points left over when all was said and done. i've never not had a loss when i've followed the program so closely before. and i was so looking forward to a loss - i was sure that this week i was going to make it to the 5 lb mark. but alas, set backs happen, and as much as i wanted to drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream at 7 am, i didn't. nor did i punish myself by staying in at night. after all, my theme for the season is balance. so i made decisions that allowed to accomplish just this: i ate well all day (below daily points and mostly core foods), i went to the yoga class i had been pushing off, i took my dog for a 1 hour walk, and i planned my night (what i was going to drink, eat, etc.). and it worked! i had a fabulous night (have i mentioned this already?) and was able to stay well under my points allowance (still have about 15 flex points left for the rest of the week). by forgiving myself and moving forward i was able to prevent that downwards, binge-eating spiral that mini setbacks, such as yesterday's scale mishap, have been known to throw me into in the past. me: 1 vs. emotional eating: 0.

i'm already applying this lesson to today's conundrum: to work our or not to work out. 6 months ago i would have been frustrated with myself for being too hungover and weak-lunged to go to the gym (i'm not a true smoker, but one of those poser, social-smokers true smokers hate - so i don't fully inhale every time, so sue me!) but not now, not today. my eating is on track, and that alone is practically a miracle after a night of heaving drinking. so i'm going to let today's workout go and choose to focus on the other great things i'm doing for my body instead.

weight watchers update

you know what's great? exercise. i had one of my best workouts (dare i say it?) ever last night. not only was i able to push myself harder, faster, stronger (ok, ok, so i stole that line from kanye, who stole if from daft punk, who stole it from... um, illegal substances?), i had a great time doing it. my initial plan was to run intervals for 25 minutes and complete 2 circuits of my weight training program. however, i was feeling so great after my first two intervals on the treadmill i decided to up the ante by increasing incline and resistance. but even that didn't feel like enough of a challenge for me, so back to the settings feature i went - to once again increase the difficulty of my workout. my run ended up lasting for 35 minutes (4 activity points). i run for runs like the one i had last night - i crave the physical and emotional strength that comes from long, hard workouts. anyways, after my run i stayed on the treadmill for another 15 minutes (1 activity point), walking steep inclines as i listened to bill clinton's speech at the democratic convention (interesting fact about yours truly: i'm really into politics - i did minor in if after all!)

when i returned from my trip in july i weighed in at about 157 lbs. while this really upset me at the time, in retrospect it was a small price to play for the many adventures i had overseas - the exotic foods i tried (alright, so maybe the meat pies i had in australia weren't crazy exotic, but nothing cures a "pure blonde" hangover like minced meat wrapped in layer upon layer of puff pastry with... aaand now i'm drooling at my desk), the people i met over drinks, the 20 + hour airplane rides, ... i tried sparkpeople.com for a few weeks, but found the program to be too restrictive, so i went back to the tried and true - weight watchers online. i rejoined on august 1st, weighing in at 154.5 lbs. since august 1st, i've lost about 3.1 lbs. tomorrow is my weigh in day and i'm hoping to be down another 3 lbs to bring my total loss for the month of august to just over 5 lbs. keep your fingers crossed for me!

during the school year i had zero success loosing weight. while i was able to maintain for the bulk of it, i packed on a few extra pounds in the spring (it being my last few months of undergrad, i was no stranger to the bar scene... on any night of the week). i finished the school year about 5 lbs heavier than when i started it. so why, you may be asking, am i back on a program that didn't "work" for me the first time? because in many ways i believe that ww did work for me - if i hadn't been on it, i truly believe that my 4th year gain would have been much, much higher. this time i'm in an entirely different place, both physically and mentally, and am fully committed to achieving my goal weight of 135 lbs. i no longer feel the need to get out of my mind drunk 5 nights/week, to grab post-bar food, to smoke myself into oblivion. i finally want to learn how to balance my social life with my health and fitness goals. and that, blog world friends, is my current focus. it is my theme of the moment, my color for fall.

my menu for today:

breakfast
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup fresh blueberries (0.5)
2 slices ww toast (1)
1 tbsp. pc blue menu jam (0)
1/2 cup egg whites (1.5)
1/4 cup skim milk in large coffee (0.5)

snack 1
1 kashi cherry chocolate granola bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

lunch
1 ww wrap (1)
3 oz. deli-sliced turkey (2)
1 tbsp. light cream cheese (1)
1/2 cup lettuce (0)
tons of cut-up veggies (0)

snack 2
1 hg's grab and go breakfast cookies --> found this delicious, and i mean delicious, recipe online at www.hungry-girl.com
1/4 cup low-fat milk (0.5)
1 small apple (0.5)

dinner
tbd --> most likely going out for dinner, as sisters are leaving for uni tomorrow

exercise - cardio day
35 minutes elliptical trainer (2) --> probably much higher, but i like to be conservative
20 minutes stationary bike (1)

the non-back-to-school jitters

for the past 2 days i've been extremely anxious. and i think i've finally put my finger on it - the seasons are changing, my sisters are going back to school, my friends are moving away to start various jobs all around the world, and yet i'm still here, living out of my parents basement, just waiting. waiting for my life to pick up again. to start work, to make some serious moulla, to move out. and while i've found some really interesting things to do in the interm, i can't help but feel like i'm missing out. as noted in yesterday's post, i like to keep busy. i seem to get really on edge whenever i'm not wrapped up in a whirlwind of work, social events, friends, family, ... and that's how i feel right now.

for one, i'm having a really tough time living at home. i've lived on my own for the past 4 years, and well, re-entry has been slightly trying at times. at first it was great - no rent (thank you parents!), free food (another thanks to the folks), great location. but i miss my old lifestyle terribly. and my mother gets on my nerves like no one else can. she's insanely irritable and snaps at everything. oh, i'm sure i do my share to provoke her. and while i'm also sure there are lots of things i can do to improve my living situation, right now i feel like playing the snotty 21-year-old card and blaming her for all my anxieties. and my lack of boyfriend. and for the 3 lbs. i still have to loose to make my labor day goal. and for the fact that my friends are all moving away. and... and... and... this isn't getting me anywhere. time for me to suck it up and quit being a princess. god, i'm sooo typical. argh!

alright, now that that annoying little rant is out of my system, time to move forward. it's that time of post again - action plan time. so here's how i'm going to handle my frustrations when i get home from work:
- work out (for my personal sanity)
- laundry
- clean bedroom (including move desk chair to basement)
- clean bathroom cabinets (get rid of old products, etc.)
- organize makeup (i'm a makeup junkie, and right now my little case is overflowing with products i haven't used in over a year - it's stressing me out)
- go to bed early

a new start

wow. i really don't know what to say right now. staring at this blank screen, words are escaping me. there's so much going on in my life right now i don't know where to begin!

ok - breath in, breath out - let's start small. first things first. well, this week and next i'm working a temporary job at a graphic design studio. i love it here! while my role is minimal (this week i'm repsonsible for fielding all phone calls - what this really means is that i talk on the phone for about a minute an hour, 2 tops), i'm gaining great exposure to an industry i know almost zilch about. it's great! yesterday, for example, the office received proofs for the winter campaign for a major food and beverage brand. strange to think that they're already planning for the holiday season, but then again, i guess it's only 4 months away (wow, don't hate me ruining one of your last summer days with that thought - i already hate myself for thinking it!) next week i'm working on location for a photo shoot for a magazine ad.

this is getting easier - what else, what else? i start my "real life" job in just over 5 weeks. i'm really looking forward to it, but slightly terrified at the same time. after spending 6 - 7 weeks doing absolutely nothing with my life (ok, bit of an overstatement - more on what i've been up to later), i've realized that i need to be busy. if i'm not busy, i make myself busy by freaking out about things i don't need to freak out about. like the fact that i'm single. 80% of the time i'm a-ok with being single - in fact, for the most part i'm thrilled about it - but that other 20% of the time it's, "why does no one like me?" or, "i'm going to die single and alone with cats". horrible thoughts that i realize are completely irrational and insignificant most days, but make me choke up with fear on days when i have nothing to do. those are the days i need to distract myself. i least i'm handling these insecurities in a proactive way: when i feel these thoughts creeping on i try to go for a run or workout at the gym. ANYWAYS, taking this job has made me realize how happy i am to not be going back to school this year. i'm ready to gain hands on experience and to work on building my career as opposed to my transcript. a new start indeed!

other major things on my plate right now: (1) moving out (currently living at home with my parents), (2) paying off the debt i took on to go traveling, (3) working out (despite my best efforts i packed on a good 10 lbs while traveling - most is gone already, but still working on those last few stubborn pounds), (4) building my fall wardrobe, and (5) seeing as much of my friends and family as i possibly can before i start work in october. now, i realize that (1), (2), and (4) are slightly hypocritical, but hell, i effing love clothes and fall is my fashion nirvana. i mean, have you seen the size of this month's elle? well, i have and let's just say i have my work cut out for me (after all, i barely bought anything for summer since i spent the bulk of it traveling and bumming around my cottage). another reason i'm looking forward to starting my job: the steady income that will make balancing these things much, much easier.

well, hello again

i'm back. currently at my cottage in northern ontario, canada. my 2.5 month trip across the world has come to an end. since may, i've been to: hong kong; macau, china; australia's east coast (notable highlights include sydney, surfer's paradise, brisbane, noosa, whitsundays, and cairns); northern thailand; laos; vietnam; cambodia; and the thai islands. and now i'm at a loss for words. because my trip wasn't really about the places i visited - yes, they were all magnificant in their own right - but the things i learned about myself along the way. boy, did i learn a lot about yours truly. i'm in a very interesting place right now. i need more time on my own, to allow all of these tidbits of information to settle in. that's why i decided to leave the city immidiately after landing - i need time to reflect, absorb, move on.

one of my most vivid memories from my trip comes from early may, a few days after having arrived in australia. just outside of sydney there's a mountain range called the "blue mountains". i decided to make the 2 hour journey on the train to the mountains on my own. once there, i hiked the trails for about 6 hours - just me and my map. after having climbed to the bottom of one of the ridges, i remember sitting down on a bench and sobbing for about an hour. not about anything in particular - just that i was there, on my own, doing something completely for myself. it was a very powerful moment for me. it was as if i was flexing my independence for the first time since my (somewhat) recent breakup.

ah, my breakup. my breakup followed me everywhere. i thought about him everyday. countless times i wished that he was there with me. hell, i think i wrote him about 10 emails over the course of my time away. didn't send them, but i wrote them. i wanted to tell him everything i was doing, share my experiences with him, ask him for advice, .... but i knew i couldn't. reaching out to him at that time would have been the wrong thing to do - it would have unecessarily hurt both of us. our relationship is done, it's run its course. i knew i couldn't rely on him for support anymore. travelling taught me two somewhat contradictory things about my relationship with him: (1) that i still loved him and (2) that it would never work between us.

and yes, i did travel with mr. new zealand for about 2.5 weeks. it was great - we got along fabulously. but he hurt me - and as much as i want to make excuses for him, i know i can't. he cheated on his girlfriend with me and i feel miserable about it. i'm embarassed that i compromised my morals for someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings. yet, from mr. new zealand i learned that i need to be on my own. i remember looking at him once while he was asleep and thinking to myself, "this is wrong, i don't want this, not yet".

on the other side of the world

have to keep this post quick, as it's very late here in asia. yup, you heard me right - i'm in asia and have been for the past few days! posting will be very sporadic for the next 3 months, as i will be focusing on my travels as opposed to my eating.

emotional eating at its finiest

i'm having a really rough go of it food wise. i mean, a really rough go of it. i can't seem to stop stuffing my face with whatever is lying around the house - ice cream, chocolate chips, cookies, fresh bread, etc. and yes, it really is that bad! i'm very nervous for my trip and am eating to calm my nerves. being at home just makes it so easy to fall of the bandwagon! usually when i feel this way i talk to my mom or call a friend. but lately my mom and i have been on bad terms (which is only fuelling my food obsession) and i feel as though i can't call my friends because i don't want to draw attention to the fact that i'm going on this crazy trip. so what do i do? i just eat and eat and eat some more. i feel really horrible about myself right now.

i've been off track the past 3 days. i was so good today until after dinner, when i binged on left overs, ice cream, chooclate chips, and arrow root cookies. god, why do i do this to myself? i feel absolutely horrible right now. at least i went for a long run today (40 mins).

i think i'm going to try to talk to my mom about it. hopefully she'll understand. and i want to get back on track right now. not tomorrow, or the next day. right now. doesn't matter when i leave, i have to do this to feel better about myself right now.

i'm going to take down my tracker on the side - it upsets me to think that i wasn't able to follow through on my goals! one day at a time. one hour at a time. hell, one minute at a time if that's what it takes.

menu as promised

woohoo! i did it - managed to stay on plan all day, get to the gym for some cardio, and resist the cookies my sister baked this afternoon (another one of the joys of being home). it's smooth sailing here on out...

breakfast
1/2 cup fat-free yogurt (1)
1/2 cup nature's path flax plus flakes (0.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
6 crushed dry roasted almonds (no salt) (1)

snack 1
1 medium orange (1)

lunch
1 can water-packed tuna (3)
1 tbsp. light mayo (1)
2 slices weight watchers bread (1)
lettuce, tomato, cut up veggies (0)

snack 2 - pre workout
1/2 medium banana (1)

workout
28 mins. running inside (just over 3.0 miles) (3)
20 mins. stationary bike (just over 6.5 miles) (1)
5 mins. ab work (0)

snack 2 - post workout
1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1 1/2 tsp. natural peanut butter (1)
1/4 cup 1% milk in tea (0.5)

dinner
3 oz. lean flank steak (4) --> ok, ok, there are some perks to being home
1 medium sweet potato (2) cooked in 1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1 cup steamed broccoli (0)
1/2 grapefruit (1)

daily totals
total daily points used is 21
total activity points earned is 4
points remaining is 3, including activity points is 7

must calm these nerves...

first of all, quick update on the goals i set out for myself yesterday. was doing great until i found out the friend i was planning on tackling hong kong with is now leaving the city earlier than expected, giving me a day or two on my own. now, if this was australia, sure, ditch me at the last second. still being a dick, but i can get by. hong kong, however? that's more intimidating. anyways, when i found this news out i pretty much dove into the pail of chipits my mother keeps around the house for baking (one of the many joys of living at home). and no, didn't stop there - i just ate and ate and ate all night. probably the worse binge session i've had in over a year. so frustrating! but i know exactly why i did it: i'm getting nervous for my trip and am trying to comfort myself with chocolate and chips and pizza and... (yes, it was that bad) note to self: i'm still nervous and now i feel like a cow, too. great, just great.

yet, one positive thing did come out of this experience. i remembered that one of my friends from high school is in hong kong right now and sent her a quick email letting her know the situation. i just got an email back from her saying that she would be more than happy to show me around those days. thank you, buddha!

just finished the book "eat, pray, love" and have to say wasn't overly thrilled with it. i really enjoyed the chapter on india, and the chapter in italy was cute, but the last chapter just pissed me off. don't want to say too much here as to avoid giving away the ending, but i was not impressed. haha, guess i'm still a little bitter... (those of you who have read the book know what i'm talking about)

have, have, have to go to the gym today. i'm getting really lazy about it. and i've decided to change my "23 day challenge" to a "1 week to go!" challenge. 23 points a day is too low for me (as evidenced by my 3 day binge fest), so i'm going to aim for 24. will post my menu at the end of the day. i have to take this 1 day at a time right now - i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed!

very short, but will write more soon

for the past 2 nights i've been having mini binge fests before i go to bed. although i have been using my flex points, i need to stop this behavior before it becomes habitual. so, to nip this in the bud, i want to set 2 goals for myself today:

1. do not go over 23 daily points
2. go to bed early (before midnight)

will write more later when i have time. off to get my shots for asia!

the tale of the malfunctionning scale

once upon a time there was a weight watchers scale. this scale wasn't like the other scales - it was digital and supposedly accurate to the first decimal place. a young twenty something used this scale once a week for about 8 months, believing her weight to be in the range of 145.0 - 153.0 lbs. this girl's roommate would sometimes use the scale, as well. she would always comment that her weight seemed higher than normal when she stepped on it, but the two of them usually chalked it up to water bloat (they were frequent sushi eaters). until one day our heroine stepped on another scale - the scale she used previous to her fancy pants one. and lo and behold she came in at just under 145 lbs. - 4.5 lbs. less than what her scale had been reading! so what did she do? well, she did what any sane body-obsessed woman would do - she forgot about the twisted scale that was making her feel like shit and lived happily ever after with the new one. the end.

so, that pretty much sums up my weigh in today. i woke up and stepped on my weight watchers scale, which read 148.7 lbs., and then stepped on my old one, which read 145.0 lbs. (actually, it read about 144.8 lbs. - sweet!). my roommate had been complaining about my old scale all year - she goes to weight watchers meetings and found that my scale would overestimate her weight by 1.0 - 4.0 lbs. i've decided to finally listen to her and forget about ye old scale and replace her (because every inanimate object in my life is a her) with the new one. there you have it - i weigh just under 145.0 lbs. and there ain't nothing that bitch of a scale can do about it! don't think i've had a weigh in this exciting since i first started focusing on my body about 3 years ago (back then the scale was closer to 175.0 lbs.)

moving on, moving on. weekend was pretty uneventful. my sister's prom was on friday and i helped her with the after party at our place. fun, but i can think of a more exciting things to do than host 30 18-year olds between the hours of 1 am and 4 am in the morning. feel as though i went above and beyond the sisterly requirements on that one (did i mention i made them food?) saturday was spent lounging around most of the day and yesterday i had a family commitment which took up most of the afternoon. one of my best girl friends from high school came over to watch a movie last night and we picked a real oscar-winner - sydney white starring amanda bynes. again, more evidence i should write for the tween market. i have to admit, though, amanda bynes is pretty damn funny. and (dare i say it?) real!

i've been dreaming about my ex-boyfriend a lot these days and i'm really missing him. usually i'm very comfortable with the decision i made to end things with him, but today i'm not. it's making me feel a little mopey and even a bit sick to my stomach. i hope these feelings are mostly due to my move back home - life at home is much calmer than life at school. i know he's gone now, but i just wish i could hold him one last time. i want to know how he's doing - did he get on the project he wanted at work? did he end up running the boston marathon? did he beat "hard" on guitar hero (which i gave him, might i add)? it's only been 5 weeks or so - i shouldn't beat myself up for still having these feelings. but i do miss him and right now i want to reach out to him more than ever. i know i can't. it wouldn't be fair to either of us.

enough to the negative nancy talk, on to what i plan on eating today:

1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. natural peanut butter (1)
1 medium orange (1)

3 oz. turkey breast (2)
1/4 cup canned chickpeas (1)
1 tbsp. dressing (1)
2 slices weight watchers bread (1)
loads of 0-point vegetables (0)

1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)
6 almonds (1)
1/2 cup nature's path optimum slim (1)

total is 12, leaving 11 to play with for the rest of today. even though i was planning on taking today off from working out, i think it might help my emotional state if i break a sweat. so that's my goal for today - work out to get a load off!

back in toronto

the past few days have been a blur: had my last night out at university (actually this time), moved back home, cleaned and gutted my apartment, etc. not to mention all of the good byes! for someone who has been "ready" to leave university for the past few months, i got pretty emotional about it all. i was especially sad to leave my roommate and our mutual best-friend nem (code name). good thing my roommate is still my roommate, as we're moving out together in the fall again. i would miss her too much!

life at home has been, well, life at home. hung out with my new roommates tonight (by this i mean my mom and dad). wasn't all that bad - had my frist home-cooked meal in a long time! and my mom's a chef so you know it was delicious. mmm, got to love her fajitas!

slipped up on both monday and tuesday. ugh! i was doing really well on both days until about 9 pm. on monday i got super drunk, so of course all rational decision making went out the window. and yesterday i thought to myself, "you deserve a treat after these four years of hard work", so i ordered a cookie sundae for dessert when i went out to dinner with my mom and rooms. at least we shared it 3 ways! ahhh, still came home and had a mini feast on ice cream. god, i love ice cream.

anyways, back on track today. i've only had 16.5 points to eat so far today, and am wondering how i'm going to get to 23 in the next 3 hours. i wish i had this problem all of the time. i'm thinking of making myself a peanut butter and banana smoothie. two of my favorite things in the entire world blended until drinkable = phenomenal. also, i got in a great workout today - 30 mins running intervals at the gym (total of 3.25 miles) and 20 mins on the stationary bike. i walked up a storm shopping, but am not going to count that as activity. with 2 weeks until i leave, i mean business!

here's what i've had to eat today:

1 egg (2)
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
little of bit of lettuce and tomato (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup fresh raspberries --> another perk of being home is the fresh fruit (0)

6 pieces salmon sushi (3.5)
1 green salad with 1 tsp dressing (1)

1 grande iced coffee with 2 pumps sugar-free mocha syrup and splash of skim milk (0.5)
1 large apple (2)

3 oz. chicken (2.5)
1 tsp olive oil (1) --> my mom says that she only used 1 tsp for the entire thing, but she looked a little a shifty when she said it...
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
1/4 cup salsa (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total is 16.5 points. practically a miracle. i don't know how this happened. it's as if my body is saying, "stop eating you gluten you!" i don't know why it's not hungry. i'll forever remember today as "the day i just wasn't hungry". i doubt i'll ever have a day like today again. i'm perpetually hungry/wanting to eat.

anyways, enough about my crazy day. as already mentioned, i went shopping for some cute numbers for my trip. i would post pictures of what i bought, but can't seem to find any online. i got 3 light-weight jersey dresses: 1 royal blue, 1 bubble-gum pink, and 1 brown. the brown one is stunning, if i do say so myself. it's got all of this braided detailing... aaamazing. also picked up a cute high waisted skirt and a pair of shorts. ok, perhaps not the most practical things, but i need to look nice when i go out!

oh, and mr. new zealand sent me an email saying that he's booked and paid for all of his flights. crazy to think that he's actually coming with me for part of my trip! and to think that this is the same guy i meet all those weeks ago. hubba hubba, he is sooo dreamy (disclaimer: i do not, in fact, write for tween magazines, although i definitely have the vocab to). strange how the world works sometimes.

yesterday i slippped up...

... and today i'm putting it behind me. but before i move on, i think a quick recap of what went down is in order.

had 12 daily points remaining around mid-afternoon (had even said no to the candies being passed around the exam i was proctoring!) started drinking around 4:30 pm. made smart drink choices - had a few bud lights and coors lights - but still ended up getting completely smashed. so by the time dinner rolled around, i was in no state of mind to make healthy choices. we went for greasy pub fare and i had the chicken sandwich with - get this - a salad! that's right. in my state of oblivion i some how managed to say no to the fries and yes to the veggies. i even ordered my dressing on the side. i think that calls for a freaking award or something. but unfortunately, friends, i didn't stop there. one of the girls we went out to dinner with didn't want the rest of her quesidilla so i had 1/3 of it. gross! i mean, where was the willpower when i really needed it? ugh. went back to my house to make some jello shooters and to get ready for the bare. had a few jello shooters and some cereal to, as i rationalized, "slow the absorption". bad move. anyways, ended up sobering up before the bar and decided to stay in instead. so that's it. the end of my drinking days at university. blah!

ok, so back to moving on. today i will not, i repeat, will not go over my daily points limit of 24. and i'm going to go for a run outside - it's such a beautiful day after all!

planning ahead

to prevent myself from going over daily points + activity points, i've decided to plan my menu for the rest of the day:

breakfast - total 3.5 points
1 scoop whey powder (2)
1/2 cup vanilla sogood soy milk (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
crushed ice (0)

snack 1 - total 2.5 points
1/4 cup skim milk (0.5) in coffee (0)
1 all bran bar (2)

lunch - max. 5 points
salad and protein of some variety --> most likely 3 points for protein, 1 point for topping, 1 point for dressing

snack 2 - total 3 points
1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

dinner - total 5 points
1 tsp. olive oil for cooking vegetables in (1)
3/4 cup whole wheat cooked pasta (2)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1/2 cup canned tomato sauce (1)

snack 3 - total 1 - 3 points
options: 1 orange (1), 1 bag smartpop popcorn (1), 1 carnation hot chocolate (1)

planned activity - running for 30 min. outside (4)

daily points total is 19 (no snack 3 options) - 22 points (all snack 3 options). will be going out tonight, but am not going to drink more than 3 light beers (5.5 - 6.5 points depending on the brand). mini goal for today is to stay away from the cereal!

in related news, i'm moving back to toronto on monday, so am busy packing up my life for the past 4 years. looks like i'm going to have to throw a lot of stuff out - there's no way i can take everything back to my parent's house. also, have been busy planning my trip through asia and oceania. i'm getting so pumped! mr. new zealand will be joining me for at least the last 2 weeks of it, which i'm very excited about. i guess those crazy kiwis have a break from school next week, so that's when we're going to finalize most of the details. however, i'm not going to get my hopes up about him - i'm going into this assuming that we're friends and nothing more. if something happens, great, but if nothing happens, that's great too. as i've mentioned in my past posts this trip is about me and no boy (no matter how funny, smart, or good-looking he is... ok, maybe i have a little crush) is going to get in my way. god, i feel like that line came straight out of a destiny's child song (can i get all the ladiesss who're independennnt to throw - their - hands - up - at - meee?!)

stuffed

going to keep this quick, as i am about to go to bed. day was going really well eating-wise until after dinner munchies hit. damn you kashi golean crunch cereal! you are too delicious to resist. pair that with some vanilla soy milk and you have yourself a passionate duo. throw some berries in there and... no more food thoughts for me. the end. so, all in all, didn't meet the goal i set for myself yesterday, but made improvements nonetheless.

what i consumed today:

1 scoop whey powder (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)
1/4 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (0.5) --> grocery store was out of source
1/3 up vanilla sogood soy milk (1)

1/8 cup vanilla sogood soy milk (0.5) in coffee (0)

1 orange (1)

3.5 oz. cooked skinless chicken (3)
2 cups broccoli (1)
2 slices ww bread (1)

3/4 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

1 orange (1)
7 almonds (1)

1/8 cup 2% milk (0.5, but have to double check this)
2 oz. chicken (2 + 2 for 1 1/2 tsp. oil) on green salad (0) with 1/2 tsp. olive oil (0.5) from milestone's

1/3 cup quaker instant oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 hot chocolate (1)
1 bag smartpop! (1)

1 1/2 cups kashi golean cereal (6.5)
1 cups cup vanilla sogood soy milk (3)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)

in total ate 33 points. blah! earned 4 activity points from the gym, so used 5 flex points. double blah! have 24.5 flex points left for the week. most likely going out tomorrow, which means i will have to be extra careful with my eating.

also, for some point-related q's: when you order at restaurant, how much oil do you assume your food is cooked in? i never know how much to add (usually guess 1 1/2 tsp. to 1 tbsp. depending on how greasy i think the food is). how many 0-point items can you eat per day? and, lastly, when you eat the same food throughout the day, do you add the points value for that food to a running tally (as in, 1 1/2 cups of raspberries is 1 point) or count the servings separately throughout the day (3 1/2 cup servings of raspberries is 0 points)? i would appreciate any advice you have!

who would have thought 4 little falafel ball-things would be 7 points?!

question of the day. i went for mediterranean food with my roommate and ordered what i thought was a low-point option. imagine my frustration when the lunch i budgeted 8 points for came in at a whopping 13! argh! on a positive note, i went to my second yoga class today. i really didn't want to go, but am glad that i went. i felt strong and toned afterwards. i plan on incorporating yoga into my weekly workout schedule.

today's menu:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)

1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 large white pita (3)
1/4 cup homemade hummus (3)
4 falafel patties (7) --> typing this makes me so angry

1 starbucks fancy-pants drink (4)

1 cup whole wheat pasta (3)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1 tsp. oil (1)
1/2 cup tomato sauce (1)
oodles of veggies (0)

1/2 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
1/2 cup golean crunch (1.5)

total is 31.5 points. in retrospect, should have looked up points values of mediterranean food before lunch and should not have ordered such a fancy pants drink mid-afternoon. my goal for tomorrow is not to go over my daily points limit + activity points.

managed to stay on track last night despite going out with friends for beers and wings. only had 3 beers, so i got a little tipsy (yup, i'm a huge light weight), but not too drunk. it was great! i felt in control the entire time. didn't even touch the wings.

stepped on the scale around mid-day and my weight was already back down to 148 lbs. phew! don't know what happened on monday morning. must have been massive water retention (did drink like a fish over the weekend and went for vietnamese food on sunday night). i should readjust my points limit downwards (when i take the quiz at 148 lbs. it says that i should only be eating 23 points per day), but i've decided not to until next week. i'm used to eating about 25 points per day and think that a 2-point cut might be too hard for me, especially since i plan on working out more than usual.

and lastly... biggest loser finale was on tonight and ally won it all! amazing! first female biggest loser ever. great inspiration for the beginning of my very own personal weight challenge!

my very own challenge!

today was weigh in day. recall that on thursday morning i weighed 147.0 lbs. however, when i stepped on the scale this morning i weighed a staggering 152.7 lbs.! yikes! i don't even remember the last time my weight was this high. how can i have gained 5.2 lbs. over the course of 3 days? how is that even possible? i'm hoping that the gain is largely due to water retention, but who knows. god, i feel miserable about this.

what makes it worse is that i'm hoping to shed a few pounds before i leave for my trip on may 8th. i can't let this let diversion get in my way - 3 days is not the end of the world. i can get through this little blip (positive self talk, positive self talk, ...) doesn't help that my self esteem has reached all time lows thanks to this weekend's events.

so what am i going to do about this? i'm going to start my very own 23 day challenge. nothing is going to get in my way - university is done, i'm moving out in a week or so, and all of my toronto friends still have exams. let's call my challenge, um, i need a name... ah yes, "dbc's pick yourself up out of the gutter and get moving 23-day challenge". notice how i don't make mention to my trip or trying to look hot or anything like that. right now i'm thinking of weight loss as a means to end - and that end is to get rando dudes to like me (and by like, i mean want to pick me up at the bar... sure, too much information, but the truth of the matter nonetheless). i have to shed this mindset. i want to start thinking about weight loss as a means of improving myself - eating better, exercising more often and effectively, trying new things (foods, group classes, etc.). my mantra going forward is, "i'm doing this for me, and no one else." not even you - asshole boy who rejected me at the bar! f*ck y'all, i'm shedding these pounds to make me feel better, so there - nah!

now that we're all thoroughly impressed by my maturity, allow me to share my plan with you:

1. follow weight watchers. yes, i'm tempted to try other "faster acting" plans, but i know that they won't work. i want this weight loss (however minor it may be in just 23 days) to be permanent. i want to have my healthy habits set in stone by the time i leave - binging on delicious asian food while away = not on plan
2. reduce daily points to 24. normally i adjust my daily point values to be 25, but for these 23 days i'm going to do exactly what the site tells me -and today it told me to eat 24 points per day (normally 23 - ouch that hurts!)
3. work out minimum of 5 times a week. and try different exercises too! incorporate more weight training and yoga (both for the peace of mind and health benefits)
4. post progress on blog each day. you'll soon notice a new sidebar dedicated to my challenge. watch it as i tackle this baby head on
5. do not get drunk. you hear me? that's right, i am not getting drunk once in these 23 days. i'd love to say no drinking altogether but i know that's unrealistic for me. instead, 2 - 3 drinks when i got out max. none of this binge drinking and throwing myself at randos business. nu uh - i'm done with that (at least until australia...) i'm trying to solve all of my post-break up problems at the bar and - get this - it's not working. i need some quality sober time
6. taking a page out glams book here, but on the morning of may 8th, my 24th day on plan, i'm going to post a picture of myself in a bikini. on this very website. with the caption "i did it!" no ifs, ands, or buts about. this sh*t is going down

also, you may have noticed my self deprecating post last night and thought to yourself, "geeze, why is this chick such a debbie downer"? well, i'll tell you straight up that i got shut down on saturday night. cute guy, known him for a while now, just wasn't into me. i put myself out there for the first time since matt, and i got slapped in the face (not literally). and it suuucks. i felt horrible about myself. even now when i look back on it i get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach (ok, guess the "even now" bit wasn't necessary - this did just happen on saturday). ahhh well, live and let live. i've learned some lessons from this one and they will not be soon forgotten.

i have about 7.5 hours of school left - project due at 5 pm - so i should probably get down to it. god, can't wait for school to be over. it's such a drag.

here's to my new challenge! i know i can do it.

today has been hard

i woke up today feeling like absolute crap. i still feel like absolute crap. and you know what? i'm not going to start feeling better any time soon, as i have a massive project due tomorrow at 5 pm. great, just great.

my weekend has been wild. in fact, some might even say too wild. i went out on both friday and saturday and had wayyy too much to drink on both nights. i don't know how to say this, don't even really know if i want the entire blog world to know, but i was so desperate for male attention i did some pretty stupid things. don't worry - nothing got too scandalous. but i put myself out there and got shut down pretty hard. and it sucks. my self esteem is in the gutter right now. i don't know how to pick it back up, so of course i've resorted to mcdonald's to soothe my frustrations. obviously that's not helping anything at all.

i hate that i'm so boy-crazy right now - that i've become so desperate for male attention that i'll compromise myself to get it. ugh! i've never been like this before. i don't know what my problems is. and i'm just so effing embarrased. ugh, should get back to work on my project, but i really need to vent. i feel so miserable. ugh! i know i will get through this, that this is just a symptom of the post break up jitters. i know, i know. but i hate feeling this way.

anxiety attacks

i couldn't sleep for the life of me last night. it was very strange - went to bed anxious and woke up feeling even more so. i wonder what's gotten me so worked up? couldn't be my exam (should be pretty straight-forward), or the projects i'm working on (making good progress on all of them). can't be body issues (feeling great today!) or lack of exercise (ran for 46 minutes last night - wahoo!). hmmm... ahhh, yes. my trip. my trip is freaking me out. instead of leaving on the 12th, as i had originally planned, i'm now leaving on the 8th. only cuts down prep time by about 4 days, but still feeling worried that i'm not going to get everything done in time! ok, breathe. this is ok. i'm making a to do list as soon as i finish this post.

yesterday started off kind of shitty/kind of good, got worse, and then got a lot better. allow me to explain: i woke up early yesterday to go for a run, but received an instant message from mr. new zealand just as i was stepping out the door. obviously i had to respond and we ended up chatting for about an hour (recap: good = talking to mr. new zealand, bad = no run). but midway through our convo, the unthinkable happened - my computer fell breaking my charger (recap: very bad = charger breaking when 3 papers are due from friday - monday). ugh, so i had to deal with that. next, i went to a group meeting, where i found out that one chick in my group was "too overwhelmed" to do her part, so i was given an extra 1,500 words to write for this morning (recap: very, very bad = working with people who don't pull their weight). thanks a lot, asshole. it's not like i have nothing else going on right now.

anyways, day got better when - get this - i went for the best run i can remember last night! as already mentioned, i ran a whopping 46 minutes. that's right, bitches - no stopping and lots of big hills. i'm a machine. i had planned to run for about 30 minutes (time it takes me to do roughly 5 km), but when i finished my loop i had this strange urge to keep going. so i did. and now i'm uber buff. don't know whose blog i read this on, but i remember someone saying that running is like therapy. let's just say that last night's run was one big therapy session - got pretty worked up about matt in the middle of it (guess that's what happens when you listen to alanis morisette circa the late 90s), but just ran through it. i kept telling myself, "running is therapy, run through your emotions". hell, i feel great now.

i'm hoping to to go out tonight (last thursday night at university!). i may have to stay in because of that idiotic girl, but let's hope not. regardless, friday and saturday are going to be pretty wild. to track my progress this week (i know the weekend is going to be rough), i weighted myself today, even though monday is technically my weigh in day. good news - was down to 147.0 lbs. i'm going to try really hard to manage my eating this weekend, even though it is my last weekend at university. game plan is the same as always: make smart choices.

should get back to work, as i still have to pass this stupid, effing report off to my lazy-ass group member.

tomorrow's todo

disclaimer: this post is going to bore the hell out of everyone who isn't me.

feeling slightly overwhelmed right now, so thought that i would make a todo list. i always feel more accountable when the entire blog world is witness to my activities.

- make healthy lunch and snacks (bought lunch, made snack)
- go for a run (done)
- complete passport application and find guarantor (looong story on this one - let's just say it starts with my roommate doing a little spring cleaning and ends with my passport being thrown out 1 month before my trip)
- book stay in hong kong (recent addition to trip) (done)
- pick up information for group project 1 (done)
- read information and put together outline for project 2
- study for thursday exam
- 4 hours of student interviews (looking to find a replacement for one of the conferences i'm involved with) (done)
- take shirt to dry cleaners
- fold mountain of clothes
- finalize loan details
- finalize new visa details
- go to yoga (if there's time)

a quickie

don't have time to write much today - with all of the nice weather and patio-ing i completely "forgot" about my exam on thursday! yikes!

however, before i begin my daily recap, just wanted to say thanks to glam and eurydice for their encouraging comments on my last post. i've said it before and i'll say it again - i really need to take this time to focus on myself. i'm not "solid" yet and i so desperately want to be! i know in time, and with some personal reflection, my insecurities will subside. until then, however, just have to stay positive. and you know i will!

didn't make it to yoga today, as i was too busy with school to go. i'll have to revise my workout schedule for the week - since today was a day off, my goal is to get in at least 4 activity points-worth of exercise tomorrow. my plan is to get up early and go for a run (7:30 am wake up call - very early for me, but i hope to go to bed in the next hour or so). if i happen to finish my work early i'm going to go to yoga in the evening.

here's what i had to eat today:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)

1 apple (1)

1 falafel pita pit salad (3) with 1/4 cup store-bought hummus (2)

1 pria bar (3)

1 all bran bar (2)

2 cups edamame (3)
6 pieces salmon sushi (3.5)
1 green salad (0) with 1 tbsp. dressing (1)

5 oz. wine (2)

1/2 cup kashi golean! crunch (1.5)
1/2 cup all bran flakes (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)
3/4 cup silk plain light (1)

total of 27.5 points. had to use 2.5 flex points, bringing my weekly flex tally down to 32.5 points.

weighty issues

after being 85% on plan all week, i was excited for my weigh in today. i literally leaped out of bed and onto the scale. and you know what i found there? 148.2 lbs. - a weight much higher than i was aiming for. sure, it's a loss of 0.6 lbs., and i know what they say, "a loss is a loss", but i don't feel good about that number at all. it's strange how a few pounds can make such a difference. whenever i'm over 147 lbs., i always feel uncomfortable in my body.

however, i realize there are probably several reasons for why i didn't see the scale move more: (1) i was sick for most of the week, so i was only able to squeeze in 2 workouts, (2) saturday night (enough said), and (3) haven't been eating enough protein. i know what i have to do this week. here's my plan of attack:

monday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
tuesday - yoga for 90 mins. (3 activity points), possibly gym (see what my friends are doing)
wednesday - day off
thursday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
friday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
saturday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
sunday - day off

now, this is going to be a lot of exercise and at times i'm going to hurt a lot. but i have to remember that there's a difference between discomfort and pain - push through the discomfort and stop when there's pain. if i pace myself i know i can do it. also, it's exams for us here at uni and since i only have 1 exam (in my easiest course, might i add), i'm sure i'll have the time to focus this much on exercise.

yesterday i went to the local yoga studio and signed up for the beginner's package - unlimited classes for 1 week for $20 cdn. aaamazing. the class i went to yesterday was called "hip hop yoga". kind of a weird concept - this special teacher comes in and all of the poses are done to late 90s rap. last summer i went to yoga about once a week at a studio close to my work. it was great, i really loved it. i'm glad that i'm getting back into it. thanks to pom for her post about yoga - it was the push i needed to get out there and get sweating.

but before i sign off, there's something i need to address: my insecurities surrounding weight post-bf. i've really noticed a difference in my thinking over the past 2 weeks or so. i've noticed my thoughts slowly becoming more and more weight focused. yes, to a certain extent this is because i'm slightly heavier than usual. but i also think a lot of it is due to my recent singleness. ah, i hate to say this, but at times i catch my inner voice repeating this awful line: "you have to be thinner for guys to like you." yes, it's that bad. i need to put a stop to it. recently i've found myself comparing my body to those of other girls' my age. at yoga, for example, i couldn't stop looking in that effing wall mirror at all of their tight bodies. i was jealous! actually! i also need to stop thinking that my new mission in life is to find another boy. after all (and i say this often to remind myself), i broke up with matt because i wanted to be my own person. these thoughts show me that i truly have to focus on myself - and i don't mean my looks. i have to focus on standing on my own two feet once and for all.

here's a thought: just say no!

bah! flashback a few hours to when i was getting ready to go out for some pati-o-so-good times. remember what i did? i set 2 mini goals for myself. and what were they? oh right, (1) make good choices and (2) no grease. fast forward a few hours to when we're sitting on the patio. what do i have to eat? oh that's right, i choose to split a pizza hut-type pizza with one of my buddies. and then what do i do then? ahhh yes, i order a brownie thingy-ma-bob for desert. ok, so back to those goals: (1) made bad choices and (2) lots of grease. when will i learn to listen to my head and not my stomach?

anyways, greasy pizza does quite the number on me, so i decided to come home early. so here i am. sitting in my living room. no friends. roomie away for the weekend. bloated as all hell. and all because i didn't listen to that little voice inside my head yelling, "don't do ittt!"

ahhh well. this sucks. tomorrow will be better. drinking lots of water now. have to flush out the bloat before monday morning weigh-in.

sunny skies = drinking outside

another beautiful day! makes me want to crack out the summer dresses and decorated sandals. god, i love spring. winter is just so blah.

have to keep this short, as i'm about to go for drinks with friends on - you guessed it - a patio. pretty exciting. first outdoor drinking adventure of the year. wahoo!

today i've had to eat:

1/2 cup plain astro yogurt (1) (ran out of source yogurts this morning)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

1/4 cup skim milk in coffee (0.5)

2 pieces of whole wheat bread (2)
2 slices of deli-turkey (1)
lettuce and tomato (0)

1/4 large white pita (0.5)
1 1/2 tbsp. hummus (1)

1 grande skinny vanilla latte (3) (here i go with the lingo again)

1/2 cup all bran flakes (1)
1/2 cup kashi golean crunch! (2)
1 cup plain silk light (1)
4 large strawberries (0) --> these may actually be 1 point, have to double check
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

9 points left. since we'll most likely be grabbing bar food for dinner, i had a big bowl of cereal around 5 pm. hopefully it tides me over for the eveing - i'm a flipping animal around food when i'm hungry. probably should have had a snack with some more protein in it, but the berries i bought today at the grocery store just looked so good!

i had to work on a group project this morning, which kind of sucked (our meeting started at 9:30 am - i'm not even human at the hour in the morning - note to self: this will have to change when i start work in the fall). i met my roomie for lebanesse food after. since i had a small sandwich at our meeting, i just nibbled at her plate (disclaimer: usually i don't do this, but rooms and i are so tight we don't mind sharing the occasional pita and hummus appetizer).

anyways, i then went shopping and bought 2 shirts at american apparel. god, i love american apparel. it's so effing smart. i mean, cute little clothes in every color of the rainbow? genius!! one draw back to american apparel (and this is by no means thier fault): the new location in london is only a few blocks away from me, so i drop oodles of money there each month. it's so accessible i plan outfits around clothes i don't even own yet. tonight's ensemble, for example, involves me running down the street to pick up a new vest. seriously, i need to get this addiction under control. it's like i need to go to aa for aa. brutal.

okkk, so enough about clothing. let's talk about eating (baby, let's talk about you and... i'm stopping now). i've been 100% on plan for 6 days now. i haven't been able to stay on track like this since january. it's inevitable that i'm going to go over my 35 flex tonight, but i'm not going to go over by too much (you got that stomach?). my plan of attack: make smart choices and say no to grease. and that includes you, delicious poutine from sammy souvlaki's.

spring has sprung

the weather is finally turning around here in canada. it was gorgeous outside today - moderate temperature, sunny skies, birds singing, etc. just beautiful out! warm weather puts me in such a great mood. the bleak winter weather had really been getting to me the past few weeks. but no more!

yesterday was my last day of class at university. end of an era, you might say. not i, though - just the start of the next one! school has been great, but i've grown out of it. i'm ready for a change. i'm really excited to start work (i know those of you with jobs may be rolling your eyes at this, haha). i can't wait to make some serious coin (even though it's not going to be that serious in the first few years), move back to toronto, and get a new place. london's been great - it's just a little too small for me. i'm a whole lotta woman for this one horse town!

ugh, and did i mention that i've been sick with bronchitis the past few days? i think it's from all of the stress i've been under the past few weeks, with the break up and all. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. well until last night, that is - i slept like a log for about 16 hours. i'm feeling much better now and even plan on going out tonight. god, i'm such a rebel!

eating has been 110% on track the past few days. since i do have bronchitis, i don't plan on drinking much tonight. i haven't been able to work out, but i did walk home from school today to get some exercise in (1 activity point). yesterday i was well under my points limit (i guess that happens when you sleep for 70% of the day). i find that when i'm under by more than a point or two one day i'm ravenous the next! today was no exception - i could have eaten anything that wasn't nailed down. but resist i did. here's what i've had to eat so far:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)
1 large orange (1)

1 cup campbell's garden minestrone soup (1)
3 tbsp. shredded cheese (1.5)
1 grande extra hot skinny vanilla latte (3) --> yes, i'm one of those annoying people who speaks "starbucks". might have something to do with the fact that my roomie worked there over the summer

1 fruit and yogurt parfait from school snack bar (4)

1 nutri-grain peanut bar (3)
1 source yogurt (1)

1 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (3)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
loads of veggies (0)

total is 23, with 2 to spare plus 1 activity point. that means i can have 1.5 drinks guilt-free and will be dipping into my flex to cover the rest (hopefully not too many more). my goal for tonight is not to go out for post-bar food.

today i booked my plane tickets to and from the south-pacific. very exciting! i leave on may 12th and don't plan on returning until july 10th.

daily wrap up

nothing too crazy to report today. just wanted to give a quick update on my healthy eating goals.

eating has been on track. i'm at 24.5 points and plan on heading to bed in the next hour or so (i.e., no late-night snacking). feeling pretty good about this, since i was so tempted to binge earlier today. here's my menu from today:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen blueberries (0.5)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

coffee with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 source yogurt (1)
1 all bran bar (2)

1 chicken pita pit salad (3)
3 tbsp. store-bought hummus (1.5)

tea with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 nutri-grain peanut bar (3)

2 small oranges (1)

2 cups edamame (3)
8 small pieces salmon sushi (3)
8 small pieces vegetable sushi (2.5)

unfortunately, wasn't able to get much exercise in (other than a few minutes walking here and there). i feel as though i'm coming down with a bit of a cold, so i plan on heading to the doc on campus tomorrow after class. hopefully i'll be feeling better so that (1) i can get some quality running in and (2) my posts won't be sooo lame.

oh! but before i forget, must give an update on my travel plans. looks like things with mr. new zealand are really heating up. we talked for about an hour last night and it sounds as though he's fully committed to backpacking with me for the last 3 weeks of my trip. wahoo!

re-committment day

since my eating habits have been downright dirty for the past week or so, i hereby claim today as "re-committment day". yes friends, i mean serious business - no more post-bar food, no more hungover breakfasts, no more junk. i weighed in today and the scale showed a staggering 148.8 lbs. i haven't been this heavy since the day after christmas. it's time for some serious changes.

my goals for this week are:

1. exercise 5 times
2. use only 35 flex points --> disclaimer: can be used on alcohol
3. eat at home as much as possible
4. walk everywhere

here's what i've had to eat so far today:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

2/3 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (1.5)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/2 cup crushed tomatoes (0)
loads of veggies

1 yogurt, vector, and berry parfait (sold at school snack bar, nutrition info. found online) (4)

2 cups edamame (3)
10 pieces sushi (5.5)

that brings me to 22 points with 3 remaining. my roomie and i walked home from school, so that earned me 1 activity point. i also plan on going to the gym later today. if i'm able to make it, my goal is to earn 3 activity points. i haven't exercised since friday afternoon and i'm beginning to feel it in my muscles. isn't it strange how your body craves exercise after a while?

one of those days

when matt and i broke up last weekend the first thing my mom said to me was, "you're going to have your good days and your bad days. just remember that you'll get through it. you're a tough cookie!" (i kid you not about the tough cookie bit). today is a bad day. in fact, today has been the worst day post-break up yet. i don't feel like a tough cookie at all - i feel like a lump of emotional dough.

the "break up blues" are really starting to sink it. i feel as though i've lost one of my best friends and in many ways i have. i miss him so much right now. i'm worried that if i go to asia i'll ruin all chances of us getting back together. but then i think to myself, "wasn't this the entire point of our breaking up to begin with?" you don't just break up with someone to get back together with them again a week or so later. i guess i'm just starting to really feel what life is like without him. and right now it's very lonely.

i want to call him but i know that doing so will only hurt him more. unless i'm 150000% sure i want to get back together with him it'll just cause more harm than good. and after what i've put him through, as well as myself, there is no way i'm going to do that to either of us. i guess that just goes to show that this momentary blip is just that - a day long lapse in judgement.

one of my personal goals for myself was not to run from my emotions during this time, but to face them head on. but tonight i think i need a break from all of this sadness. so here's my game plan for the next 4 or 5 hours:

1. clean up kitchen (done) and room
2. go for a run on the treadmill downstairs (try for 30 mins.)
3. call parents about trip planning - they're nervous nellies when it comes to me travelling through asia on my own (done)
4. prepare visa applications for tomorrow morning (done)
5. write 1 page for negotiations group project
6. read global environment of business case for tomorrow
7. make lunch (done)
8. read!

i heart me

i'm sick and tired of my own self-loathing. sure, i appear to be bright and cheerful on the outside, but there's always this little voice in my head saying, "oh no, don't eat that - it'll make you fat!" or "if only you were 5 lbs. thinner you would be so much happier." stop it! (yes, i realize that i did just yell at voices in my head... starting to feel like a bit of a loon). but i truly do want it to stop. i want to be feel comfortable and happy in my own skin. i want to stop putting myself down for having dessert once and while or only working out for 30 mins. when i needed to work out for 40 mins. to get that extra activity point.

when it comes down to it, i truly believe that i am happy with who i am - my person, my friends and family, my body. take today, for example. when i was lifting weights at the gym i felt so strong - i was proud of myself for what my body could do, not necessarily for how it looked doing it. these are the emotions i need to channel. and channel them i will!

that being said, i was hungover as all hell this morning, which resulted in a mini gorge on pancakes and chocolate chip cookies (president's choice "the decadent" cookies... all of you canadians out there know what i'm talking about). but, in the spirit of today's "i love me" theme, i am not going to feel bad about it. i made a choice and i'm moving on. ever since then i've been right on track - went to the gym and had a protein shake when i got home. i mean, could i have made healthier choices?!

ooo and interesting update on my friend from new zealand: he sent me a graduation card! how cute is that? looks like he's going to be joining me for one leg of my journey in june/july, as well. i'm pretty excited about it. we have a phone date coming up this week... i'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it!

i have a big weekend ahead of me, so i'm going to focus on making smart choices... and loving myself. yup, i'm going to be walking around as though i'm wearing one of those retro-chic "i heart ny" shirts, but instead of "ny" it says "me". that's right, uber dork here. but a dork that loves herself for who she is nonetheless!