re-committment day

since my eating habits have been downright dirty for the past week or so, i hereby claim today as "re-committment day". yes friends, i mean serious business - no more post-bar food, no more hungover breakfasts, no more junk. i weighed in today and the scale showed a staggering 148.8 lbs. i haven't been this heavy since the day after christmas. it's time for some serious changes.

my goals for this week are:

1. exercise 5 times
2. use only 35 flex points --> disclaimer: can be used on alcohol
3. eat at home as much as possible
4. walk everywhere

here's what i've had to eat so far today:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

2/3 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (1.5)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/2 cup crushed tomatoes (0)
loads of veggies

1 yogurt, vector, and berry parfait (sold at school snack bar, nutrition info. found online) (4)

2 cups edamame (3)
10 pieces sushi (5.5)

that brings me to 22 points with 3 remaining. my roomie and i walked home from school, so that earned me 1 activity point. i also plan on going to the gym later today. if i'm able to make it, my goal is to earn 3 activity points. i haven't exercised since friday afternoon and i'm beginning to feel it in my muscles. isn't it strange how your body craves exercise after a while?

one of those days

when matt and i broke up last weekend the first thing my mom said to me was, "you're going to have your good days and your bad days. just remember that you'll get through it. you're a tough cookie!" (i kid you not about the tough cookie bit). today is a bad day. in fact, today has been the worst day post-break up yet. i don't feel like a tough cookie at all - i feel like a lump of emotional dough.

the "break up blues" are really starting to sink it. i feel as though i've lost one of my best friends and in many ways i have. i miss him so much right now. i'm worried that if i go to asia i'll ruin all chances of us getting back together. but then i think to myself, "wasn't this the entire point of our breaking up to begin with?" you don't just break up with someone to get back together with them again a week or so later. i guess i'm just starting to really feel what life is like without him. and right now it's very lonely.

i want to call him but i know that doing so will only hurt him more. unless i'm 150000% sure i want to get back together with him it'll just cause more harm than good. and after what i've put him through, as well as myself, there is no way i'm going to do that to either of us. i guess that just goes to show that this momentary blip is just that - a day long lapse in judgement.

one of my personal goals for myself was not to run from my emotions during this time, but to face them head on. but tonight i think i need a break from all of this sadness. so here's my game plan for the next 4 or 5 hours:

1. clean up kitchen (done) and room
2. go for a run on the treadmill downstairs (try for 30 mins.)
3. call parents about trip planning - they're nervous nellies when it comes to me travelling through asia on my own (done)
4. prepare visa applications for tomorrow morning (done)
5. write 1 page for negotiations group project
6. read global environment of business case for tomorrow
7. make lunch (done)
8. read!

i heart me

i'm sick and tired of my own self-loathing. sure, i appear to be bright and cheerful on the outside, but there's always this little voice in my head saying, "oh no, don't eat that - it'll make you fat!" or "if only you were 5 lbs. thinner you would be so much happier." stop it! (yes, i realize that i did just yell at voices in my head... starting to feel like a bit of a loon). but i truly do want it to stop. i want to be feel comfortable and happy in my own skin. i want to stop putting myself down for having dessert once and while or only working out for 30 mins. when i needed to work out for 40 mins. to get that extra activity point.

when it comes down to it, i truly believe that i am happy with who i am - my person, my friends and family, my body. take today, for example. when i was lifting weights at the gym i felt so strong - i was proud of myself for what my body could do, not necessarily for how it looked doing it. these are the emotions i need to channel. and channel them i will!

that being said, i was hungover as all hell this morning, which resulted in a mini gorge on pancakes and chocolate chip cookies (president's choice "the decadent" cookies... all of you canadians out there know what i'm talking about). but, in the spirit of today's "i love me" theme, i am not going to feel bad about it. i made a choice and i'm moving on. ever since then i've been right on track - went to the gym and had a protein shake when i got home. i mean, could i have made healthier choices?!

ooo and interesting update on my friend from new zealand: he sent me a graduation card! how cute is that? looks like he's going to be joining me for one leg of my journey in june/july, as well. i'm pretty excited about it. we have a phone date coming up this week... i'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it!

i have a big weekend ahead of me, so i'm going to focus on making smart choices... and loving myself. yup, i'm going to be walking around as though i'm wearing one of those retro-chic "i heart ny" shirts, but instead of "ny" it says "me". that's right, uber dork here. but a dork that loves herself for who she is nonetheless!

hello world!

i. feel. fabulous. today was the first morning i didn't wake up crying about matt. in fact, i didn't even really think about him until i wrote that sentence. i'm moving on. as jay-z would say "it's time for the next episode".

and time it is! i spent most of last night making plans for the summer. i'm about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life. i've decided to travel through asia with one of my friends for about 3 months. we're leaving for china around the 20th of april and don't plan on returning to canada until the end of july. our plan of attack is this: 3 weeks touring china; 3 weeks tbd (my friend is going to india, so i'm looking at meeting up with some other friends who will be in the area at the time); 1 month thailand, laos, combodia, and vietnam; 1 week thai islands; and then (hopefully) 3 weeks australia. so i know what you're probably thinking: damn, that's going to be expensive. and it will be - applying for a big ass loan is numero uno on today's to do list. slightly disappointed that australia didn't work out. however, my job requires me to travel quite a bit, so i plan on taking a 6-month transfer there in my first year or two of working.

also, i woke up today to a some super cute emails from a few of my friends back in toronto. they heard through the grapevine about what happened between matt and i over the weekend. wow - i've always known that i have great friends, but i was not expecting the amount of support that has been flooding in over the past few days.

yesterday i was completely on track with my eating (27 points - but earned 6 activity points so i had the extra 2 covered). i went for a run yesterday evening to release some tension and, to my surprise, i was able to run 40 mins. without stopping! i haven't been able to do that since last summer. shows that my fitness is improving. i'm practically an american gladiator.

going out tonight, so have to plan my day accordingly. my goal is to earn 4 activity points and to have 4 daily points left over for when i start drinking at the early hour of 7 pm. yup, tonight is going to be major. personally, i hope not to hook up with anyone. perhaps not the most pc goal, but it's true - i really don't want to rebound!

i believe in horoscopes

check out my horoscope from this past saturday (the day matt and i officially called it quits):

"you've been trying hard to be what you imagine you ought to be rather than being who you are. respect is gained when people know you're true to your principles."

the past few days i've been thinking long and hard about why it didn't feel "right" with matt and i think my horoscope hits the nail on the head when it says that i was pretending to be something that i wasn't. matt's a great guy - as i've mentioned before - and for the past few years i've wanted him to be the guy for me. but in reality he wasn't, so i changed myself to be better suited to him and assumed that everything was a-ok. until i grew up a little more and realized that playing pretend is only fun for so long. i was sick of playing his girlfriend and am finally ready to be my own person. i'm officially boy free for the first time in 2.5 years and i couldn't be more excited to grow into myself. through all of this sadness i've learned a very valuable lesson: never compromise your own person to make someone else happy.

the past few days have been tough - i've definitely had my ups and downs - but my friends and family have been a great support to me. pretty sure i have plans every night for the next few days! exercise has also been a great stress relief. i've only taken one day off from working out in the past week (yesterday - we had a graduation dinner so i was short on time), which i'm very proud of myself for. it's reassuring to know that when the going gets tough, i get running! i've been venturing outside lately and the fresh air is definitely doing me some good. i even walked home from school today (about 35 min. walk) to clear my head. i'm really enjoying the time i'm taking for myself to think about everything that's been going on - even though most of my thought sessions often end in a blubbery phone call to my mom (god bless her little heart)!

while exercising has been great, my eating has seen better days. actually, it was just last night that my eating was off track. and by off track i mean completely derailed. i went to the keg with some friends for dinner, and let's just say that when you're half a bottle of wine in, there's no holding me back from that bread - mmm, keg bread is perhaps one of the best inventions of all time! eurydice just posted some motivating tips, so i'm thinking of printing them out and sticking them on my fridge. hey, a little inspiration never hurt anyone!

ooo and finally, new zealand boy is back and writing to me like it's his job (sweet! - sidenote: still considering myself boy free because he lives on the other side of the world), and it looks like i might be touring asia for the summer instead of settling in australia. it'll be interesting to see how my summer plans unfold over the next few days!

this post is not about feeling sorry for myself

since i've been up to my elbows in feelings for the past few days, i'm going to dedicate this post to everything that is not relationship related. yup, you heard me. i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. disclaimer: this does not mean that i'm going to be miss. happy-go-lucky from here on out. i just need a break from all of my sadness!

today i've really been focusing on (1) school work (lame!), (2) eating well (1 point left for the day, but i know i can do it!), and (3) doing feel good things (redecorating my room, working out, cleaning, reading, etc.)

so let's start with school. it effing blows. i hate school right now. i have 2 weeks of class left but it feels like an eternity. i can't wait for summer! (see? no miss. happy-go-lucky here)

ok, now eating well. check! here's what i've had to eat today:

1 scoop whey powder (2)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup silk plain light (0.5)

1 nutri-grain bar sweet and salty bar (3) --> mmm! these are delicious. they don't fill me up in the least, but they taste sooo good!

1 pita pit falafel salad (3) with 1/4 cup store-bought hummus (2)

1 oz. chedder cheese (3) --> oh, i was so pissed when i put this into the tracker and out popped 3 points. i wanted to kill all things dairy.
1 medium apple (1)

1 1/2 cup edamame in shells (2)
12 pieces sushi (6 salmon and 6 avocado) (6.5)

mmm, sushi dinner is my favorite! even though i only have 1 point left for the day, i'm not too worried about it. i plan on going to the gym later today and getting in a major sweat session. my goal is to do 35 mins. on the elliptical trainer and any remaining time doing weights (here's a little inside info on my gym routine: for whatever reason i thought it was a great idea to buy a membership to the gym furthest away from my house this year. did i mention that i don't have a car? and that it's a 45 min. bus ride away? oh, and that the goodlife is only a 5 min. walk away? yup, i make good choices. anyways, i've turned into a raging car whore, fully dependent on my friends for rides to the gym. so i'm not really at liberty to ask my friends to stay longer when they're pooped or vice versa)

so working out brings me to number 3: feel good things. here's my plan of attack for the rest of the evening. you'll notice that there is no room for being sad in my plan. i'm saving sadness for tomorrow.

1. finish presentation for class tomorrow. ok, not really feel good, but must be done nonetheless. and i'll feel better when it's done - right now it's just looming over my head!
2. do laundry. because who doesn't feel great when their towels are clean?!
3. redecorate my room.
4. read! i'm in the middle of a great book right now called "the thirteenth tale". i also just bought "eat, pray, love" as per the recommendations of some of my fellow bloggers.

oh, but before i sign off, there are 2 things that are really peeving me right now (swear to god that's the first and last time i'll ever use the word "peeve"):

1. my friend from new zealand hasn't written me since saturday (to be fair i didn't respond until sunday night)! but still! agh, i know i didn't break up with matt for this guy, but a little male attention would be appreciated right now! especially safe male attention - it's hard to "actually" rebound (if you catch my drift...) when the guy you're supposedly rebounding with lives on the other side of the world.
2. i was hoping to go to australia this summer to work but there's a chance that none of my friends will be able to go with me. that would suck. i suppose i could always go on my own. oh well, i'm sure it will work out for the best in the long run!

i had rabbit for lunch

easter update: i just ate an entire chocolate bunny in one sitting. maybe i'll start focusing on that whole "being healthy" thing right now.

personal drama update: i've spoken with some friends and am feeling better and better about my decision by the minute. break ups suck, but i'll get through it. besides, australia is getting closer by the minute...

moving on and being strong

* note: how sweet is the title of this post? i just had to point it out!

alright, so i know i only posted just over an hour ago, but i've been doing a lot of thinking in the past hour, and thought that i might as well write down my thoughts as a reminder of all of the "good" that is going to come out of this breakup. so, without further adieu, my thoughts in list form:

1. my last few posts have been downright depressing. i mean, if you didn't know me and had read them you probably would have thought that i was queen emo and that matt = pete wentz and i = ashely simpson. so not the case. as tough as this breakup is, it is the right thing to do. on the surface i feel shitty about it - i hate that i hurt him and i hate even more that i still do love him. but deep down, in my heart of hearts, i know i had to move on. it wasn't right.

2. i'm really effing proud of myself right now. it takes a lot of courage to do what i did, and as much it sucks right now, i think it says a lot about my personal strength. hey, bad things happen. people change. and instead of running from those changes or merely accepting them, i adapted to them. good on me!

3. one of the reasons i did break up with matt was to "stand on my own 2 feet" (and i quote). and that's exactly what i'm going to do. i want to get to know the real me and have some time of grow on my own. for the past 2 years i have been growing with someone - yes, someone amazing and someone who loved, and perhaps still does love, me very much - but with someone nonetheless. i've just entered into my 20s and i'm just about to leave school. it's time for me to be my own person, to discover what the world has to offer me as a single entity.

4. i'm thinking about moving to australia for the summer and getting a job working as a waitress or bartender there. this may seem like i'm running from my problems, but this is one of the reasons i ended things with matt (see numero 3). thinking about opportunities such as these gives me hope and reassures me that i've made the right decision. the world is my oyster; there is nothing tying me down.

5. there will be other new zealand friends and i don't want to miss out on them. in a way my friend came about at the opportune time - i think if i had stayed with matt during the summer it would have been so much harder for me to end things with him. in fact, i don't think i would have. he was the push i needed. i hope that one day i meet another ben from down under and that when i do i can truly explore everything he has to offer me.

6. if we are truly meant to be together i have faith that we will be. it might not be now, it might not be a month from now or even in a year, but if it's in the stars then we will find our way to each other. i have to believe this. hey, who knows, maybe i'll turn out to be toronto's carrie bradshaw and matt will be my very own mr. big and this blog will be my "sex in the city" column and... i'm stopping now.

so now that i've addressed the moving on aspect of this post, allow me to be strong for a few moments. here are the hardest things about this breakup:

1. he waited for me. we went through 2 years of long distance and the whole time he waited for me. there's a part of me that feels as though i owe it to him to spend this summer with him. but i can't feel obliged to be in a relationship. i have to be in a relationship for me, and not for the other person.

2. i can't get the vision of him standing there in front of me, tears falling down his face, asking me to stay, asking me to rethink everything, asking me to be something i'm not, out of my head (wow - talk about a run on sentence). i don't know if i'll ever be able to get this vision out of my head. it kills me to think about it. ugh. no amount "reasoning" will help me with this one.

3. he fought so hard for me. he did everything he could, and it just wasn't enough. and now he's probably thinking that all of his efforts have gone to waste. i hope one day he realizes that this isn't the case at all - the last few days have been wonderful. oh god, i feel terrible.

4. he used to look at me like i was the center of his universe. when i left last night, he just looked broken.

oh right, i totally forgot that the purpose of this blog is to help me deal with my emotional eating. well let's just say i've been calming myself with hoards of chocolate and white carbs. i'm going to let it be today, but tomorrow i'm back on track. i need a diversion from all of this "woah is me" crap anyways.

day 1 sans bf

matt and i broke up last night. i haven't been able to stop crying since! even though i broke up with him, i feel horrible about it. he was devastated. and i can't believe i did that to him. ugh, as much as i want to go back there and hold him, i know that i can't. this sucks major balls.

i know i made the right decision, but going through with it is going to be so hard. i don't want to be with anyone else - i won't be rebounding anytime soon. and that's probably for the best anyways. the purpose of this break up is not to end things with one boy and go running into the arms of another.

i hate myself so much for hurting him like that. i don't ever want to do that to someone again! i absolutely hate myself for it. i realize that what i did wasn't wrong, but i can't stop feeling tremendous amounts of guilt. ahhh! i just wish i wanted to be with him still.

i have this sinking feeling in my stomach - i hope it's not regret. i'm slightly worried it is. ugh. this past week has been so hard on me. i just wish times would start getting easier - and fast!

the worst part about this is that i still do love him - and that's what's making letting go so fucking difficult (pardon my french). it just wasn't right. jesus! i hate this, i hate this, i hate this.

well, as a pseudo-catholic (meaning i was rasied catholic but don't really believe in the insituation of the church), and in light of easter, i might as well view this as a re-birth. sure, this is the end of one chapter in my life, but at the same time the beginning of another.

boggled

wow, i really have no idea what to do about my relationship right now. i'm beginning to think that the only reason i leaped to make a decision was because of my friend in new zealand. sure, he was great, but will i realistically ever see him again? was he even that great? what if i do get the chance to know him and he turns out to be a complete and total asshole? but if it's not him, then who will it be? someone else could just as easily come along and sweep me off my feet, right? right? what if i don't take this opportunity to end things and get trapped in a relationship i don't want to be in and have to go through this entire process again? what then? and what if this is love? and what if he is the the person i should be with, despite all odds? what then? what if i'm making the biggest mistake of my life? is taking the road less travelled really all that great? our relationship is so safe, perhaps it's best to stay in my little safety net! i just don't know!

bottom line is i'm worried that i've disillusioned myself as to what life will be like without matt. and without ben. basically, what life will be like on my own.

and now it becomes so obvious: i'm scared shitless. yes, there's a part of me that wants to stay with him, but there's always that part of me which is going to wonder, "what if?" can i live with that feeling right now, for the long run? or do i have to satisfy my curiosity by exploring the unknown? at this point it seems as though any decision is better than no decision. so what do i do? i don't know. sure, it may be obvious to all of you out there in web-erland, but to me, this issue is just as murky as it was when i first decided to end things. nothing's set in stone, so then why should this decision be? does that even make any sense? these ramblings are just leading me in circles...

break ups never end

it's been 2 days and i can't seem to go through with it. i've tried twice: once on the phone (i backed out because i didn't want to break up with him on the phone) and the second time last night/this morning. when i said "i think we have to go our separate ways" he got so upset. i've never seen him like that before. it broke my heart. so we talked about putting this decision off until the summer when we won't be long-distance anymore. i agreed to this, even though i don't know if i should have. i mean, i love him so much, i don't want to hurt him, but at the same time i'm 21 and ready to live my own life. ugh! i hate this - no matter what i do i'll be letting one of us down. i told him that i have my doubts about this decision, and he said he understood. i just wish i had the courage to go through with it! ugh. i feel like emotional crap.

anyways, on the positive side, i came home and went for a run (40 mins. - go me!) and tracked my points for the first time in days. i feel really good about getting back on track. it'll be tough to stay on track while i'm going through this relationship hell, but i'm going to do my best. when everything else in my life is going to shit, i might as well keep my healthy habits up!

alright, so here's what i've had to eat today:

1/2 cup quaker 1-minute oats (3)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1/2 cup source yogurt with 1/2 cup frozen raspberries (1)
1 medium apple (1)

1 ww bagel (2)
1 hardboiled egg mixed with 1 tbsp. low-fat mayo (3)
spinach and 1 medium tomato (0.5)
1 100-calorie pack of cheetos (2)

1 40 min. run, 5 mins. of which was walking (-4)

that leaves me with 11.5 daily points, and 4 activity points (total of 15.5 points). totally manageable.

i'm at my parent's house in toronto now and plan on spending the rest of the day doing "feel good" things, like cooking and painting (little known fact about me is that i'm way into sketching, painting, and fashion design). maybe i'll even walk my dog. looks like this "non-breakup-breakup" is already making me a better person!

"love" or something like it

it's funny how someone you've only known for a few short days (and may never meet again) can have such a profound impact on your life. someone you never knew existed one day, but changes your life forever thereafter the next. i met someone like this over the weekend. his name is ben, and is from new zealand.

sure, at first you may think this post is overly dramatic. but for me in my current situation, it barely captures my emotional state. allow me to begin by telling you that i've been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years. we met when i was going through my "too skinny" phase and he was a great support as i was leaving it. he graduated at the end of my second year, and we have been pursuing a long distance relationship since then.

my boyfriend is a great guy - our relationship has been very positive. he's never not treated me well - never cheated, has always been devoted, etc. last march, however, we broke up for about a week. he ended it with me, and then asked to get back together about a week later. i agreed, but always doubted my decision to continue seeing him. how could i ever forgive the person who broke my heart? i don't know how, but somehow i managed to accept his mistake. it took a long time for me to regain trust in him. in fact, in retrospect, i don't think i ever really did.

since we got back together i have been questioning my relationship. there are so many people and places i want to see and i don't want to feel tied to any one person or place. and right now i do feel that way - to matt and to toronto. i want to be free to explore and discover the world! ben showed me how important it is that i do just this. our brief relationship showed me how much i was missing out. and a boyfriend show not deprive you of life experience. he should enhance them. right now i believe he is taking away more than he is giving.

i hate it that i'm going to break his heart and most likely mine in the process. but i know i have to end things with him. i don't feel guilty about ben (to be fair, nothing physical happened... it was more "emotional cheating" than "actual cheating"). i don't regret anything i did. i feel as though he was the push i needed to end my current relationship. i'm worried that i'm making a mistake, but i know deep down this is what i have to do. and if it is a mistake, so what? live and let live. i can never deny myself of my emotions. and i'm not going to start today.

so here i go - 6:30 pm is our call. i would rather end things with him in person, but he picked up on my tone last night on the phone and began to press me on it. i wasn't going to lie to him. it's interesting, though - i'm surprisingly calm. i hope it goes well. wish me luck!

i'm a busy bee

the past few days have been a whirlwind. while the bulk of my school work is over for the semeseter, i've been really busy organizing an event at school. my school hosts an international conference each year and this year i was responsible for communicating with all of the international delegates. quite the job when you have 60+ people coming from all over the world! anyway, it's my one involvement, so i want to do a good job. the conference starts tomorrow and lasts until sunday morning.

so here's the thing with the conference: it's really just an excuse to get drunk and hook up with foreigners (those of us with significant others, however, get to watch from the side lines and live vicariosuly through our single friends... hmmm, that actually sounds a tad creepy). booze is provided (yup, you heard me right, all you can drink free booze) and we get line bypass to all of the most popular bars from wednesday night until sunday morning. all in all, quite the social extravaganza. only thing is it's hiroshima for my waist line. ugh! i'm really worried about all of the drinking. because when i get drunk, my inner fattie bursts out and consumes everthing in sight. and by everything in sight, i mean it. last night, for example, my roomie and some friends went out and when i came home i went to town on a jar of peanut butter. seriously, i didn't even use a spoon.

for the past day or so i've been trying to think of strategies to avoid downing copious amounts of food. and i think i've found it: i'm going to be gentle with myself. that's its. no planned workouts, no pre-made meals, no nothing. i'm going to trust myself to make smart decisions. sure, if i have the time i'll try to squeeze in a run here and there. or if i can run home for a meal instead of eating ou i'll do it. but if i can't, i'm not going to let it ruin my day. i think the worst think i can do is let myself get into that whole "i feel so bad about eating that treat so i'm going to down this tub of m&ms" cycle. the competition is only 4 days long, and 4 days of eating less than perfectly is not going to kill me. it hasn't in the past, and it's not going to this week.

ok, so now that my little pep talk is over, a little review of what i've eaten today (please keep in mind that i was hungover as all hell and had 9:00 am class):

1/3 cup quaker oatmeal (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 small orange (0.5)

1 cup cantaloupe (1)
1 source yogurt (1) --> how much of a rip off is it that source yogurts are 35 calories and 1 effing point? aykarumba!
1 all bran bar (2)
1/4 cup skim milk in coffee (0.5)

1 pita pit salad with chicken (3) and
1/4 cup hummus (2)
30 pieces m&ms (estimating 4 points)

1 fruit and yogurt parfait (4)

1.5 cups edamame (2)
12 pieces sushi (5.5)

1 skinny tall latte (2)

1/2 cup golean! crunch cereal (1)
3/4 cup all bran flakes (1.5)
1 cup silk light (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total points = 34 --> 9 over daily amount of 25

ugh, this number doesn't make me too happy. oh well, all i can do is move on. here's my game plan for tomorrow:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. jam (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

1/2 can tuna drained (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
lettuce and vegetables (0)

1 medium apple (1)
1 cheesestring (1)

total =13.5 with 11.5 remaining. this should get me through the dinner and our first night out. also, my goal is to run for 30 mins. either tomorrow morning (depending on what time i get to bed) or at lunch.

snowstorm = life ruiner

ok, so perhaps "life ruiner" is a little extreme. but it's definitely ruining my saturday night!

my frustrations in list form:

1. bf was supposed to come visit me at school this weekend but was unable to do so. why? too much snow.
2. friends and i were supposed to go out tonight (while i was hesitant go out earlier today, cabin fever has made me do a 180 since then), but aren't anymore. also due to too much snow.
3. i had planned on going to american apparel to get some leather-like spandex, but was unable to leave my house because there was too much effing snow.
4. i want to eat my face off becasue (a) i'm lonely, (b) i have nothing else to do minus work (work doesn't count because i hate it), (c) i can't order movies through cable at my house at school, (d) i was really looking forward to buying new leggings, and (e) i hate snow.

um, yeah, so tonight sucks. ahhh well, i'll get through it. i just have to remember to find things to do besides eating. like... remembering that there are people in the world who have much bigger problems than a measley little snowstorm. i'm officially a horrible human being.

sometimes i count...

... foods that are 2 points as 1 point. take my (second) afternoon snack today: 1 apple and 1 cheesestring. now technically the cheesestring should be 2 points (60 calories, 4 gm. fat, 0 gm. fiber), but i think that's just too much for 1 measley stick of cheese. ok, i take that back. it's not a measley stick of cheese - after all, you can make some sweet hoola girls and furry things out of it. but still!

this brings me to my second weight watchers confession: i eat 2 more points each day than i should. everytime i do the quiz i add 2 points to my total. the extra 2 points makes the program that much more manageable for me. when i eat more on a regular basis, i tend to binge less. after all, my primary focus right now is handling my bingeing and not loosing the 10 or so extra pounds i'm carrying around.

onwards with the news. or my news, i should say. today started off great: got up, made french toast for breakfast, went to the gym, had a healthy lunch and afternoon snack. and then about an hour ago intense hunger hit. eff! i could eat a cow. i think part of my problem is the copious amount of snow that is currently being dumped on southern ontario. i can't see out of my window, let alone go for a walk, shopping, coffee. i literally can't leave my house! this is bad news bears for my growling stomach, as i find leaving my house the best way to get my mind off of eating. ugh!

my menu for today:

2 ww bread (1)
1 egg (2) --> notice how i counted this as 2 points. i swear i don't cheat all of the time!
2 tbsp. light maple syrup (1)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries (0)
1/2 cup soy milk (1/4 cup for french toast and 1/4 cup for coffee)

1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1/2 can of drained tuna (in water) (1.5)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
2 tbsp. balsamic vinegar (0)
lettuce and veggies (0)
1/4 cup soy milk (for tea)

1/2 scoop whey powder (1)
3/4 small banana (1)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1/2 cup soy milk (1)

1 medium apple (1)
1 cheesestring (1)

8 points remaining plus 4 activity points. 12 should do quite nicely for today.

dinenr is tba, but looking like white fish with sweet potato fries. i might even cave and make some pasta. pasta always fills me up!

some of my friends want to go out tonight, but right now i would rather stay at home and get caught up on work. i hate going out when it's blizzarding out. i spend about an hour getting ready only to end up looking like sasquatch upon my arrival. real cute.

finally back!

after 10 days in europe, and possibly the 5 busiest days of the school year yet, i finally have my life organized again! phew. i get so antsy when my room is messy and when my fridge is empty. but today i knocked both cleaning and grocery shopping off of my todo list. way to go me!

well, i'm way overdue for a recap of the past 2 weeks, so here i go:

1. europe was phenomenal. one of the best trips i've ever been on. i went with my roomie and our mutual friend ash. although our flight out was delayed by 12 hours (grrr!), we arrived in glasgow, scotland safe and sound and partied there the first night. the next day we flew to paris (yes, paris! i was actually there!) and spent 4 days exploring the city. highlights from paris: drinking 2 euro bottles of wine, the louvre (greek and roman ruins, divinci, 15th and 16th painters), the mussee d'orsay (manet, monet, degras, van gogh), montemarte, and, of course, le tour eiffel (god, i'm so french!) oh, and did i mention the shopping? 2 dresses, 1 coat, and a few accessories. all in all, i did pretty well for myself! we then took a train to amsterdam where, as you may have guessed from my last post, we got out of this world high. here's a little tip for all of you travellers out there: when the woman who sells drugs for a living tells you to only eat 1/2 a space cake, do not, i repeat, do not, eat more than 1/2 a space cake. otherwise you'll end up like my friends and i: stoned for 24 hours plus. i kid you not. anyways, after 3 days in amsterdam (1 of which i have no recollection of... thanks, space cakes), we returned to paris for our last night and flew back to toronto the following day.

here are some pictures from our trip:

(entrance to the louvre)

(some sweet graffiti we found in montemarte)

(the real moulin rouge. it was slightly disappointing, actually. i thought the pink elephant from the movie was real!)

(my roomie and i (i'm in the dress!) checking out some bikes for rent. you can rent them for a few hours all over the city and then drop them off at another bike rack. pretty cool idea)

(downtown amsterdam)

2. as i mentioned previously, this week has been crazy busy. i got back on tuesday to a pile of work that i didn't even know i had. the jet lag didn't help things either. everything is all done now... thank god! my calendar is pretty open until the end of the semester when i have 1 exam. that's right, you heard me. 1 exam. i lucked out this year!
3. while i was away, i was really worried about my weight. i was very disappointed in myself to see how much it bothered me. i thought that i had let go of a lot of negative feelings when i got through my "too skinny" period a couple years back. but unfortunately they reared their ugly heads again while i was away. in retrospect, however, i had no cause for concern: i put on 2.1 pounds (tuesday morning weigh in), all of which i lost in 2 days (thursday morning weigh in). since i've been back, i haven't experienced any of those ugly emotions. i hope i can keep them at bay.
4. the project that was due the day i left turned out horribly. the project iself was alright, but our group dynamic went to complete shit. ah, well, except for the presentation we have to make in a couple of weeks, it's over. however, there was one good thing about the project: i learned a lot about managing people. i made tons of mistakes, as my group members did as well, but i truly believe that we are all the better for it. i hope i remember the lessons i learned from this experience when i start my new job in the fall!

wow, what a recap. and now on to what i've eaten today:

1/2 cup instant oatmeal (2.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)
1 coffee with 2 tbsp. 2% milk (0.5)

2 slices ww bread (1)
3 oz. turkey (2)
3/4 cup campbell's healthy request minestrone soup (1.5)
1 medium apple (1)

1 scoop whey powder (2)
1 small banana (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries (0.5)

1/2 cup amy's spicy vegetable chili (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 small baked sweet potato (1.5)
salad (0)
dressing made with 1 tsp. olive oil, 1 tbsp. dijon mustard, and lemon juice (1)

that leaves me with 2.5 points for the rest of the day. definitely doable.

i have yet to get in any exercise today, but i plan on going to the treadmill downstairs and walking inclines for about 40 minutes.