boggled

wow, i really have no idea what to do about my relationship right now. i'm beginning to think that the only reason i leaped to make a decision was because of my friend in new zealand. sure, he was great, but will i realistically ever see him again? was he even that great? what if i do get the chance to know him and he turns out to be a complete and total asshole? but if it's not him, then who will it be? someone else could just as easily come along and sweep me off my feet, right? right? what if i don't take this opportunity to end things and get trapped in a relationship i don't want to be in and have to go through this entire process again? what then? and what if this is love? and what if he is the the person i should be with, despite all odds? what then? what if i'm making the biggest mistake of my life? is taking the road less travelled really all that great? our relationship is so safe, perhaps it's best to stay in my little safety net! i just don't know!

bottom line is i'm worried that i've disillusioned myself as to what life will be like without matt. and without ben. basically, what life will be like on my own.

and now it becomes so obvious: i'm scared shitless. yes, there's a part of me that wants to stay with him, but there's always that part of me which is going to wonder, "what if?" can i live with that feeling right now, for the long run? or do i have to satisfy my curiosity by exploring the unknown? at this point it seems as though any decision is better than no decision. so what do i do? i don't know. sure, it may be obvious to all of you out there in web-erland, but to me, this issue is just as murky as it was when i first decided to end things. nothing's set in stone, so then why should this decision be? does that even make any sense? these ramblings are just leading me in circles...