Sunday, March 23, 2008

moving on and being strong

* note: how sweet is the title of this post? i just had to point it out!

alright, so i know i only posted just over an hour ago, but i've been doing a lot of thinking in the past hour, and thought that i might as well write down my thoughts as a reminder of all of the "good" that is going to come out of this breakup. so, without further adieu, my thoughts in list form:

1. my last few posts have been downright depressing. i mean, if you didn't know me and had read them you probably would have thought that i was queen emo and that matt = pete wentz and i = ashely simpson. so not the case. as tough as this breakup is, it is the right thing to do. on the surface i feel shitty about it - i hate that i hurt him and i hate even more that i still do love him. but deep down, in my heart of hearts, i know i had to move on. it wasn't right.

2. i'm really effing proud of myself right now. it takes a lot of courage to do what i did, and as much it sucks right now, i think it says a lot about my personal strength. hey, bad things happen. people change. and instead of running from those changes or merely accepting them, i adapted to them. good on me!

3. one of the reasons i did break up with matt was to "stand on my own 2 feet" (and i quote). and that's exactly what i'm going to do. i want to get to know the real me and have some time of grow on my own. for the past 2 years i have been growing with someone - yes, someone amazing and someone who loved, and perhaps still does love, me very much - but with someone nonetheless. i've just entered into my 20s and i'm just about to leave school. it's time for me to be my own person, to discover what the world has to offer me as a single entity.

4. i'm thinking about moving to australia for the summer and getting a job working as a waitress or bartender there. this may seem like i'm running from my problems, but this is one of the reasons i ended things with matt (see numero 3). thinking about opportunities such as these gives me hope and reassures me that i've made the right decision. the world is my oyster; there is nothing tying me down.

5. there will be other new zealand friends and i don't want to miss out on them. in a way my friend came about at the opportune time - i think if i had stayed with matt during the summer it would have been so much harder for me to end things with him. in fact, i don't think i would have. he was the push i needed. i hope that one day i meet another ben from down under and that when i do i can truly explore everything he has to offer me.

6. if we are truly meant to be together i have faith that we will be. it might not be now, it might not be a month from now or even in a year, but if it's in the stars then we will find our way to each other. i have to believe this. hey, who knows, maybe i'll turn out to be toronto's carrie bradshaw and matt will be my very own mr. big and this blog will be my "sex in the city" column and... i'm stopping now.

so now that i've addressed the moving on aspect of this post, allow me to be strong for a few moments. here are the hardest things about this breakup:

1. he waited for me. we went through 2 years of long distance and the whole time he waited for me. there's a part of me that feels as though i owe it to him to spend this summer with him. but i can't feel obliged to be in a relationship. i have to be in a relationship for me, and not for the other person.

2. i can't get the vision of him standing there in front of me, tears falling down his face, asking me to stay, asking me to rethink everything, asking me to be something i'm not, out of my head (wow - talk about a run on sentence). i don't know if i'll ever be able to get this vision out of my head. it kills me to think about it. ugh. no amount "reasoning" will help me with this one.

3. he fought so hard for me. he did everything he could, and it just wasn't enough. and now he's probably thinking that all of his efforts have gone to waste. i hope one day he realizes that this isn't the case at all - the last few days have been wonderful. oh god, i feel terrible.

4. he used to look at me like i was the center of his universe. when i left last night, he just looked broken.

oh right, i totally forgot that the purpose of this blog is to help me deal with my emotional eating. well let's just say i've been calming myself with hoards of chocolate and white carbs. i'm going to let it be today, but tomorrow i'm back on track. i need a diversion from all of this "woah is me" crap anyways.


P.O.M. said...

You definately sound strong. (Much stronger than I am right now) I can't even blog about it yet.

death by chocolate said...

p.o.m. - i have moments of strength and moments when all i want to do to is crawl under a rock (like right now). i guess i'll just have to get through it.

sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time, as well. i wish there was something else i could say, but i'm at a loss for words. feel better!