Monday, March 17, 2008

"love" or something like it

it's funny how someone you've only known for a few short days (and may never meet again) can have such a profound impact on your life. someone you never knew existed one day, but changes your life forever thereafter the next. i met someone like this over the weekend. his name is ben, and is from new zealand.

sure, at first you may think this post is overly dramatic. but for me in my current situation, it barely captures my emotional state. allow me to begin by telling you that i've been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years. we met when i was going through my "too skinny" phase and he was a great support as i was leaving it. he graduated at the end of my second year, and we have been pursuing a long distance relationship since then.

my boyfriend is a great guy - our relationship has been very positive. he's never not treated me well - never cheated, has always been devoted, etc. last march, however, we broke up for about a week. he ended it with me, and then asked to get back together about a week later. i agreed, but always doubted my decision to continue seeing him. how could i ever forgive the person who broke my heart? i don't know how, but somehow i managed to accept his mistake. it took a long time for me to regain trust in him. in fact, in retrospect, i don't think i ever really did.

since we got back together i have been questioning my relationship. there are so many people and places i want to see and i don't want to feel tied to any one person or place. and right now i do feel that way - to matt and to toronto. i want to be free to explore and discover the world! ben showed me how important it is that i do just this. our brief relationship showed me how much i was missing out. and a boyfriend show not deprive you of life experience. he should enhance them. right now i believe he is taking away more than he is giving.

i hate it that i'm going to break his heart and most likely mine in the process. but i know i have to end things with him. i don't feel guilty about ben (to be fair, nothing physical happened... it was more "emotional cheating" than "actual cheating"). i don't regret anything i did. i feel as though he was the push i needed to end my current relationship. i'm worried that i'm making a mistake, but i know deep down this is what i have to do. and if it is a mistake, so what? live and let live. i can never deny myself of my emotions. and i'm not going to start today.

so here i go - 6:30 pm is our call. i would rather end things with him in person, but he picked up on my tone last night on the phone and began to press me on it. i wasn't going to lie to him. it's interesting, though - i'm surprisingly calm. i hope it goes well. wish me luck!

2 comments:

Glam said...

Having just lived through a breakup three months ago I empathize with you. I also know that no matter how much you realize the breakup is for the best, it still sucks when the time comes to end things.

Good luck! I'll be thinking of you.

eurydice said...

good luck - if you are having doubts or feel "tied down" then it's best to end it. only you can make yourself happy. i hope the call went well! (as well as can be expected lol).