Sunday, March 23, 2008

day 1 sans bf

matt and i broke up last night. i haven't been able to stop crying since! even though i broke up with him, i feel horrible about it. he was devastated. and i can't believe i did that to him. ugh, as much as i want to go back there and hold him, i know that i can't. this sucks major balls.

i know i made the right decision, but going through with it is going to be so hard. i don't want to be with anyone else - i won't be rebounding anytime soon. and that's probably for the best anyways. the purpose of this break up is not to end things with one boy and go running into the arms of another.

i hate myself so much for hurting him like that. i don't ever want to do that to someone again! i absolutely hate myself for it. i realize that what i did wasn't wrong, but i can't stop feeling tremendous amounts of guilt. ahhh! i just wish i wanted to be with him still.

i have this sinking feeling in my stomach - i hope it's not regret. i'm slightly worried it is. ugh. this past week has been so hard on me. i just wish times would start getting easier - and fast!

the worst part about this is that i still do love him - and that's what's making letting go so fucking difficult (pardon my french). it just wasn't right. jesus! i hate this, i hate this, i hate this.

well, as a pseudo-catholic (meaning i was rasied catholic but don't really believe in the insituation of the church), and in light of easter, i might as well view this as a re-birth. sure, this is the end of one chapter in my life, but at the same time the beginning of another.

No comments: