another day, another post

well hello there, world. it's me, dbc - you may not recognize me as i've spent the past 2 weeks under a rock, also known as the downtown toronto tower in which i work. i've been working morning, noon, and night - and when i'm not working, i'm recuperating from working. take this weekend, for example. 2 all nighters (wed. +thurs.) does not for a fun weekend make. in fact, the past 2 nights i've been in bed by 11 pm. i'm so wiped i couldn't even make it through an entire session with my personal trainer yesterday. i feel like such a wimp!

i wish i could say that work is the worst of my problems right now, but it's not - this week i found out that my very dear great aunt has ovarian cancer. now, don't let her status as my "great aunt" confound you - having grown up without any grandparents, she is the closest thing i've ever had to a grandmother, and that is what i consider her to be. unfortunately for my family, ovarian cancer isn't the most, hmmm, how to put this, "humane" of cancers - very little can be done once it spreads. and spread it has. it's a silent killer - 1 one minute you think you're fine (no symptoms, no nothing), and the next wham! you find out if you've had it for about 2 years. needless to say, i plan on spending my day with her in the hospital.

due to the obscene hours i've been putting in at work i've fallen off the bandwagon hard - and i mean HARD. in fact, it's more like the bandwagon ran over me a few times (reverse, drive forward, reverse, drive forward, ... repeat times 80) ok, ok, perhaps i'm being slightly melodramatic. at last sunday's weigh in i was down to 146.5 lbs (loss of about 0.6), but i couldn't face the music today - thursday through last night were miserable with a capital m. what's frustrating is that i wasn't even working yesterday and up until dinner i was 110% on track. but then one treat led to another which led to 4 fudgeos (ahhh, the delights of still living at home), which led to about a cup of chocolate fudge crackle ice cream. the whole time i kept thinking to myself, "why the eff am i eating this? i'm not even hungry! in fact, i'm still full from yesterday's binge fest!" but ate i did and now i need to get the eff over it. when i eat like that (not that i ate tons of food, but i ate mindlessly - without control), i still get really upset with myself. so, how can i prevent this from happening again? well, i'll tell you:

1. consider the emotional consequences first. although it may taste great at the time, it's really not worth it after the fact.
2. find other stress releases! distract, distract, distract. sure, bingeing may make my problems "disappear" temporarily, but it really only adds another one to the list in the long run. realize that it's not a solution - it's a diversion, and a negative one at that.

my first goal for this week is not to be perfect in my healthy habits, but to improve upon last week - baby steps always.

something i've realized about myself through all of this (excessive work, lack of social life, family troubles) is that when i'm not happy i don't take care of myself. i let the things that are truly important to me slip, which only exacerbates my fears. i need to stop this vicious cycle before it truly spirals out of control. which brings me to my second goal for the week: focus on being happy or, when it comes to my great aunt, making the best of sh*tty circumstances.

one thing that makes me very happy: twilight premier next weekend!! edward, er, robert pattison, makes me feel like a 14-year-old school girl again and i absolutely love it. he is such a dreamboat... us single girls need our outlets ;)

november challenge

unfortunately don't have time for a well thought-out post today, as i'm just sitting down to watch gossip girl, a.k.a. queen b slay her interview at yale with s. anyways, since i now spend my days making "sick decks", i will now proceed to itemize the major going ons in my life over the past 2 months:

1. attended new york fashion week in september. naturally, it was incredible. had the best time attending the shows, going for dinner at fancy restaurants, partying in the rainbow room, ... aaamazing.
2. saw my ex-bf with his new gf out on the town. oh, and did i mention the new girl works with him? and that he recruited her to work with him last winter, when were still very much together? well now you know. that was a tough week or two.
3. started my new job in early october. it's amazing! i love the people, the projects, the atmosphere, everything. it's great. just great. i'm very happy there.

and now onto the topic at hand, my november challenge. see, the thing is i was hugely successful with dropping weight until about thanksgiving weekend. then i was at my lowest weight in years at 145.8 lbs (please keep in mind that my scale weighs about 3 lbs heavy - i use it for reference more than anything). last sunday i was 147.1 lbs. this weekend, however, was a total and complete disaster. i want to get back on track, working towards my ultimate goal of 135 lbs. the following is my strategy for doing just that:

eating
24 points per day, 35 flex points per week. focus on core foods, and avoid eating processed foods and aspartame as much as possible. keep sodium to a minimum - i.e., sushi once per week, few soups, no popcorn (even if it is smartpop), etc. save flex points for social engagements.

exercise
aim to workout 5 times per week, ideally 3 times during the week and twice on weekends. meet with personal trainer every thursday morning before work. and always stretch! not stretching after working out equals more pain and less calories burned.

sleeping
aim for 7 hours per night. in bed by 10:30 pm to wake up at 5:30 am.

emotional
no binge eating. do not manage work-related stresses with food. come home, relax, clean, shop, blog, whatever. just don't eat. and as for that whole new boy situation? remember that eating because you're happy is still emotional eating. you got that?

weight watchers update

you know what's great? exercise. i had one of my best workouts (dare i say it?) ever last night. not only was i able to push myself harder, faster, stronger (ok, ok, so i stole that line from kanye, who stole if from daft punk, who stole it from... um, illegal substances?), i had a great time doing it. my initial plan was to run intervals for 25 minutes and complete 2 circuits of my weight training program. however, i was feeling so great after my first two intervals on the treadmill i decided to up the ante by increasing incline and resistance. but even that didn't feel like enough of a challenge for me, so back to the settings feature i went - to once again increase the difficulty of my workout. my run ended up lasting for 35 minutes (4 activity points). i run for runs like the one i had last night - i crave the physical and emotional strength that comes from long, hard workouts. anyways, after my run i stayed on the treadmill for another 15 minutes (1 activity point), walking steep inclines as i listened to bill clinton's speech at the democratic convention (interesting fact about yours truly: i'm really into politics - i did minor in if after all!)

when i returned from my trip in july i weighed in at about 157 lbs. while this really upset me at the time, in retrospect it was a small price to play for the many adventures i had overseas - the exotic foods i tried (alright, so maybe the meat pies i had in australia weren't crazy exotic, but nothing cures a "pure blonde" hangover like minced meat wrapped in layer upon layer of puff pastry with... aaand now i'm drooling at my desk), the people i met over drinks, the 20 + hour airplane rides, ... i tried sparkpeople.com for a few weeks, but found the program to be too restrictive, so i went back to the tried and true - weight watchers online. i rejoined on august 1st, weighing in at 154.5 lbs. since august 1st, i've lost about 3.1 lbs. tomorrow is my weigh in day and i'm hoping to be down another 3 lbs to bring my total loss for the month of august to just over 5 lbs. keep your fingers crossed for me!

during the school year i had zero success loosing weight. while i was able to maintain for the bulk of it, i packed on a few extra pounds in the spring (it being my last few months of undergrad, i was no stranger to the bar scene... on any night of the week). i finished the school year about 5 lbs heavier than when i started it. so why, you may be asking, am i back on a program that didn't "work" for me the first time? because in many ways i believe that ww did work for me - if i hadn't been on it, i truly believe that my 4th year gain would have been much, much higher. this time i'm in an entirely different place, both physically and mentally, and am fully committed to achieving my goal weight of 135 lbs. i no longer feel the need to get out of my mind drunk 5 nights/week, to grab post-bar food, to smoke myself into oblivion. i finally want to learn how to balance my social life with my health and fitness goals. and that, blog world friends, is my current focus. it is my theme of the moment, my color for fall.

my menu for today:

breakfast
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup fresh blueberries (0.5)
2 slices ww toast (1)
1 tbsp. pc blue menu jam (0)
1/2 cup egg whites (1.5)
1/4 cup skim milk in large coffee (0.5)

snack 1
1 kashi cherry chocolate granola bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

lunch
1 ww wrap (1)
3 oz. deli-sliced turkey (2)
1 tbsp. light cream cheese (1)
1/2 cup lettuce (0)
tons of cut-up veggies (0)

snack 2
1 hg's grab and go breakfast cookies --> found this delicious, and i mean delicious, recipe online at www.hungry-girl.com
1/4 cup low-fat milk (0.5)
1 small apple (0.5)

dinner
tbd --> most likely going out for dinner, as sisters are leaving for uni tomorrow

exercise - cardio day
35 minutes elliptical trainer (2) --> probably much higher, but i like to be conservative
20 minutes stationary bike (1)

very short, but will write more soon

for the past 2 nights i've been having mini binge fests before i go to bed. although i have been using my flex points, i need to stop this behavior before it becomes habitual. so, to nip this in the bud, i want to set 2 goals for myself today:

1. do not go over 23 daily points
2. go to bed early (before midnight)

will write more later when i have time. off to get my shots for asia!

yesterday i slippped up...

... and today i'm putting it behind me. but before i move on, i think a quick recap of what went down is in order.

had 12 daily points remaining around mid-afternoon (had even said no to the candies being passed around the exam i was proctoring!) started drinking around 4:30 pm. made smart drink choices - had a few bud lights and coors lights - but still ended up getting completely smashed. so by the time dinner rolled around, i was in no state of mind to make healthy choices. we went for greasy pub fare and i had the chicken sandwich with - get this - a salad! that's right. in my state of oblivion i some how managed to say no to the fries and yes to the veggies. i even ordered my dressing on the side. i think that calls for a freaking award or something. but unfortunately, friends, i didn't stop there. one of the girls we went out to dinner with didn't want the rest of her quesidilla so i had 1/3 of it. gross! i mean, where was the willpower when i really needed it? ugh. went back to my house to make some jello shooters and to get ready for the bare. had a few jello shooters and some cereal to, as i rationalized, "slow the absorption". bad move. anyways, ended up sobering up before the bar and decided to stay in instead. so that's it. the end of my drinking days at university. blah!

ok, so back to moving on. today i will not, i repeat, will not go over my daily points limit of 24. and i'm going to go for a run outside - it's such a beautiful day after all!

stuffed

going to keep this quick, as i am about to go to bed. day was going really well eating-wise until after dinner munchies hit. damn you kashi golean crunch cereal! you are too delicious to resist. pair that with some vanilla soy milk and you have yourself a passionate duo. throw some berries in there and... no more food thoughts for me. the end. so, all in all, didn't meet the goal i set for myself yesterday, but made improvements nonetheless.

what i consumed today:

1 scoop whey powder (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)
1/4 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (0.5) --> grocery store was out of source
1/3 up vanilla sogood soy milk (1)

1/8 cup vanilla sogood soy milk (0.5) in coffee (0)

1 orange (1)

3.5 oz. cooked skinless chicken (3)
2 cups broccoli (1)
2 slices ww bread (1)

3/4 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

1 orange (1)
7 almonds (1)

1/8 cup 2% milk (0.5, but have to double check this)
2 oz. chicken (2 + 2 for 1 1/2 tsp. oil) on green salad (0) with 1/2 tsp. olive oil (0.5) from milestone's

1/3 cup quaker instant oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 hot chocolate (1)
1 bag smartpop! (1)

1 1/2 cups kashi golean cereal (6.5)
1 cups cup vanilla sogood soy milk (3)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)

in total ate 33 points. blah! earned 4 activity points from the gym, so used 5 flex points. double blah! have 24.5 flex points left for the week. most likely going out tomorrow, which means i will have to be extra careful with my eating.

also, for some point-related q's: when you order at restaurant, how much oil do you assume your food is cooked in? i never know how much to add (usually guess 1 1/2 tsp. to 1 tbsp. depending on how greasy i think the food is). how many 0-point items can you eat per day? and, lastly, when you eat the same food throughout the day, do you add the points value for that food to a running tally (as in, 1 1/2 cups of raspberries is 1 point) or count the servings separately throughout the day (3 1/2 cup servings of raspberries is 0 points)? i would appreciate any advice you have!

who would have thought 4 little falafel ball-things would be 7 points?!

question of the day. i went for mediterranean food with my roommate and ordered what i thought was a low-point option. imagine my frustration when the lunch i budgeted 8 points for came in at a whopping 13! argh! on a positive note, i went to my second yoga class today. i really didn't want to go, but am glad that i went. i felt strong and toned afterwards. i plan on incorporating yoga into my weekly workout schedule.

today's menu:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)

1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 large white pita (3)
1/4 cup homemade hummus (3)
4 falafel patties (7) --> typing this makes me so angry

1 starbucks fancy-pants drink (4)

1 cup whole wheat pasta (3)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1 tsp. oil (1)
1/2 cup tomato sauce (1)
oodles of veggies (0)

1/2 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
1/2 cup golean crunch (1.5)

total is 31.5 points. in retrospect, should have looked up points values of mediterranean food before lunch and should not have ordered such a fancy pants drink mid-afternoon. my goal for tomorrow is not to go over my daily points limit + activity points.

managed to stay on track last night despite going out with friends for beers and wings. only had 3 beers, so i got a little tipsy (yup, i'm a huge light weight), but not too drunk. it was great! i felt in control the entire time. didn't even touch the wings.

stepped on the scale around mid-day and my weight was already back down to 148 lbs. phew! don't know what happened on monday morning. must have been massive water retention (did drink like a fish over the weekend and went for vietnamese food on sunday night). i should readjust my points limit downwards (when i take the quiz at 148 lbs. it says that i should only be eating 23 points per day), but i've decided not to until next week. i'm used to eating about 25 points per day and think that a 2-point cut might be too hard for me, especially since i plan on working out more than usual.

and lastly... biggest loser finale was on tonight and ally won it all! amazing! first female biggest loser ever. great inspiration for the beginning of my very own personal weight challenge!

my very own challenge!

today was weigh in day. recall that on thursday morning i weighed 147.0 lbs. however, when i stepped on the scale this morning i weighed a staggering 152.7 lbs.! yikes! i don't even remember the last time my weight was this high. how can i have gained 5.2 lbs. over the course of 3 days? how is that even possible? i'm hoping that the gain is largely due to water retention, but who knows. god, i feel miserable about this.

what makes it worse is that i'm hoping to shed a few pounds before i leave for my trip on may 8th. i can't let this let diversion get in my way - 3 days is not the end of the world. i can get through this little blip (positive self talk, positive self talk, ...) doesn't help that my self esteem has reached all time lows thanks to this weekend's events.

so what am i going to do about this? i'm going to start my very own 23 day challenge. nothing is going to get in my way - university is done, i'm moving out in a week or so, and all of my toronto friends still have exams. let's call my challenge, um, i need a name... ah yes, "dbc's pick yourself up out of the gutter and get moving 23-day challenge". notice how i don't make mention to my trip or trying to look hot or anything like that. right now i'm thinking of weight loss as a means to end - and that end is to get rando dudes to like me (and by like, i mean want to pick me up at the bar... sure, too much information, but the truth of the matter nonetheless). i have to shed this mindset. i want to start thinking about weight loss as a means of improving myself - eating better, exercising more often and effectively, trying new things (foods, group classes, etc.). my mantra going forward is, "i'm doing this for me, and no one else." not even you - asshole boy who rejected me at the bar! f*ck y'all, i'm shedding these pounds to make me feel better, so there - nah!

now that we're all thoroughly impressed by my maturity, allow me to share my plan with you:

1. follow weight watchers. yes, i'm tempted to try other "faster acting" plans, but i know that they won't work. i want this weight loss (however minor it may be in just 23 days) to be permanent. i want to have my healthy habits set in stone by the time i leave - binging on delicious asian food while away = not on plan
2. reduce daily points to 24. normally i adjust my daily point values to be 25, but for these 23 days i'm going to do exactly what the site tells me -and today it told me to eat 24 points per day (normally 23 - ouch that hurts!)
3. work out minimum of 5 times a week. and try different exercises too! incorporate more weight training and yoga (both for the peace of mind and health benefits)
4. post progress on blog each day. you'll soon notice a new sidebar dedicated to my challenge. watch it as i tackle this baby head on
5. do not get drunk. you hear me? that's right, i am not getting drunk once in these 23 days. i'd love to say no drinking altogether but i know that's unrealistic for me. instead, 2 - 3 drinks when i got out max. none of this binge drinking and throwing myself at randos business. nu uh - i'm done with that (at least until australia...) i'm trying to solve all of my post-break up problems at the bar and - get this - it's not working. i need some quality sober time
6. taking a page out glams book here, but on the morning of may 8th, my 24th day on plan, i'm going to post a picture of myself in a bikini. on this very website. with the caption "i did it!" no ifs, ands, or buts about. this sh*t is going down

also, you may have noticed my self deprecating post last night and thought to yourself, "geeze, why is this chick such a debbie downer"? well, i'll tell you straight up that i got shut down on saturday night. cute guy, known him for a while now, just wasn't into me. i put myself out there for the first time since matt, and i got slapped in the face (not literally). and it suuucks. i felt horrible about myself. even now when i look back on it i get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach (ok, guess the "even now" bit wasn't necessary - this did just happen on saturday). ahhh well, live and let live. i've learned some lessons from this one and they will not be soon forgotten.

i have about 7.5 hours of school left - project due at 5 pm - so i should probably get down to it. god, can't wait for school to be over. it's such a drag.

here's to my new challenge! i know i can do it.

weighty issues

after being 85% on plan all week, i was excited for my weigh in today. i literally leaped out of bed and onto the scale. and you know what i found there? 148.2 lbs. - a weight much higher than i was aiming for. sure, it's a loss of 0.6 lbs., and i know what they say, "a loss is a loss", but i don't feel good about that number at all. it's strange how a few pounds can make such a difference. whenever i'm over 147 lbs., i always feel uncomfortable in my body.

however, i realize there are probably several reasons for why i didn't see the scale move more: (1) i was sick for most of the week, so i was only able to squeeze in 2 workouts, (2) saturday night (enough said), and (3) haven't been eating enough protein. i know what i have to do this week. here's my plan of attack:

monday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
tuesday - yoga for 90 mins. (3 activity points), possibly gym (see what my friends are doing)
wednesday - day off
thursday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
friday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
saturday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
sunday - day off

now, this is going to be a lot of exercise and at times i'm going to hurt a lot. but i have to remember that there's a difference between discomfort and pain - push through the discomfort and stop when there's pain. if i pace myself i know i can do it. also, it's exams for us here at uni and since i only have 1 exam (in my easiest course, might i add), i'm sure i'll have the time to focus this much on exercise.

yesterday i went to the local yoga studio and signed up for the beginner's package - unlimited classes for 1 week for $20 cdn. aaamazing. the class i went to yesterday was called "hip hop yoga". kind of a weird concept - this special teacher comes in and all of the poses are done to late 90s rap. last summer i went to yoga about once a week at a studio close to my work. it was great, i really loved it. i'm glad that i'm getting back into it. thanks to pom for her post about yoga - it was the push i needed to get out there and get sweating.

but before i sign off, there's something i need to address: my insecurities surrounding weight post-bf. i've really noticed a difference in my thinking over the past 2 weeks or so. i've noticed my thoughts slowly becoming more and more weight focused. yes, to a certain extent this is because i'm slightly heavier than usual. but i also think a lot of it is due to my recent singleness. ah, i hate to say this, but at times i catch my inner voice repeating this awful line: "you have to be thinner for guys to like you." yes, it's that bad. i need to put a stop to it. recently i've found myself comparing my body to those of other girls' my age. at yoga, for example, i couldn't stop looking in that effing wall mirror at all of their tight bodies. i was jealous! actually! i also need to stop thinking that my new mission in life is to find another boy. after all (and i say this often to remind myself), i broke up with matt because i wanted to be my own person. these thoughts show me that i truly have to focus on myself - and i don't mean my looks. i have to focus on standing on my own two feet once and for all.

sunny skies = drinking outside

another beautiful day! makes me want to crack out the summer dresses and decorated sandals. god, i love spring. winter is just so blah.

have to keep this short, as i'm about to go for drinks with friends on - you guessed it - a patio. pretty exciting. first outdoor drinking adventure of the year. wahoo!

today i've had to eat:

1/2 cup plain astro yogurt (1) (ran out of source yogurts this morning)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

1/4 cup skim milk in coffee (0.5)

2 pieces of whole wheat bread (2)
2 slices of deli-turkey (1)
lettuce and tomato (0)

1/4 large white pita (0.5)
1 1/2 tbsp. hummus (1)

1 grande skinny vanilla latte (3) (here i go with the lingo again)

1/2 cup all bran flakes (1)
1/2 cup kashi golean crunch! (2)
1 cup plain silk light (1)
4 large strawberries (0) --> these may actually be 1 point, have to double check
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

9 points left. since we'll most likely be grabbing bar food for dinner, i had a big bowl of cereal around 5 pm. hopefully it tides me over for the eveing - i'm a flipping animal around food when i'm hungry. probably should have had a snack with some more protein in it, but the berries i bought today at the grocery store just looked so good!

i had to work on a group project this morning, which kind of sucked (our meeting started at 9:30 am - i'm not even human at the hour in the morning - note to self: this will have to change when i start work in the fall). i met my roomie for lebanesse food after. since i had a small sandwich at our meeting, i just nibbled at her plate (disclaimer: usually i don't do this, but rooms and i are so tight we don't mind sharing the occasional pita and hummus appetizer).

anyways, i then went shopping and bought 2 shirts at american apparel. god, i love american apparel. it's so effing smart. i mean, cute little clothes in every color of the rainbow? genius!! one draw back to american apparel (and this is by no means thier fault): the new location in london is only a few blocks away from me, so i drop oodles of money there each month. it's so accessible i plan outfits around clothes i don't even own yet. tonight's ensemble, for example, involves me running down the street to pick up a new vest. seriously, i need to get this addiction under control. it's like i need to go to aa for aa. brutal.

okkk, so enough about clothing. let's talk about eating (baby, let's talk about you and... i'm stopping now). i've been 100% on plan for 6 days now. i haven't been able to stay on track like this since january. it's inevitable that i'm going to go over my 35 flex tonight, but i'm not going to go over by too much (you got that stomach?). my plan of attack: make smart choices and say no to grease. and that includes you, delicious poutine from sammy souvlaki's.

spring has sprung

the weather is finally turning around here in canada. it was gorgeous outside today - moderate temperature, sunny skies, birds singing, etc. just beautiful out! warm weather puts me in such a great mood. the bleak winter weather had really been getting to me the past few weeks. but no more!

yesterday was my last day of class at university. end of an era, you might say. not i, though - just the start of the next one! school has been great, but i've grown out of it. i'm ready for a change. i'm really excited to start work (i know those of you with jobs may be rolling your eyes at this, haha). i can't wait to make some serious coin (even though it's not going to be that serious in the first few years), move back to toronto, and get a new place. london's been great - it's just a little too small for me. i'm a whole lotta woman for this one horse town!

ugh, and did i mention that i've been sick with bronchitis the past few days? i think it's from all of the stress i've been under the past few weeks, with the break up and all. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. well until last night, that is - i slept like a log for about 16 hours. i'm feeling much better now and even plan on going out tonight. god, i'm such a rebel!

eating has been 110% on track the past few days. since i do have bronchitis, i don't plan on drinking much tonight. i haven't been able to work out, but i did walk home from school today to get some exercise in (1 activity point). yesterday i was well under my points limit (i guess that happens when you sleep for 70% of the day). i find that when i'm under by more than a point or two one day i'm ravenous the next! today was no exception - i could have eaten anything that wasn't nailed down. but resist i did. here's what i've had to eat so far:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)
1 large orange (1)

1 cup campbell's garden minestrone soup (1)
3 tbsp. shredded cheese (1.5)
1 grande extra hot skinny vanilla latte (3) --> yes, i'm one of those annoying people who speaks "starbucks". might have something to do with the fact that my roomie worked there over the summer

1 fruit and yogurt parfait from school snack bar (4)

1 nutri-grain peanut bar (3)
1 source yogurt (1)

1 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (3)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
loads of veggies (0)

total is 23, with 2 to spare plus 1 activity point. that means i can have 1.5 drinks guilt-free and will be dipping into my flex to cover the rest (hopefully not too many more). my goal for tonight is not to go out for post-bar food.

today i booked my plane tickets to and from the south-pacific. very exciting! i leave on may 12th and don't plan on returning until july 10th.

hello world!

i. feel. fabulous. today was the first morning i didn't wake up crying about matt. in fact, i didn't even really think about him until i wrote that sentence. i'm moving on. as jay-z would say "it's time for the next episode".

and time it is! i spent most of last night making plans for the summer. i'm about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life. i've decided to travel through asia with one of my friends for about 3 months. we're leaving for china around the 20th of april and don't plan on returning to canada until the end of july. our plan of attack is this: 3 weeks touring china; 3 weeks tbd (my friend is going to india, so i'm looking at meeting up with some other friends who will be in the area at the time); 1 month thailand, laos, combodia, and vietnam; 1 week thai islands; and then (hopefully) 3 weeks australia. so i know what you're probably thinking: damn, that's going to be expensive. and it will be - applying for a big ass loan is numero uno on today's to do list. slightly disappointed that australia didn't work out. however, my job requires me to travel quite a bit, so i plan on taking a 6-month transfer there in my first year or two of working.

also, i woke up today to a some super cute emails from a few of my friends back in toronto. they heard through the grapevine about what happened between matt and i over the weekend. wow - i've always known that i have great friends, but i was not expecting the amount of support that has been flooding in over the past few days.

yesterday i was completely on track with my eating (27 points - but earned 6 activity points so i had the extra 2 covered). i went for a run yesterday evening to release some tension and, to my surprise, i was able to run 40 mins. without stopping! i haven't been able to do that since last summer. shows that my fitness is improving. i'm practically an american gladiator.

going out tonight, so have to plan my day accordingly. my goal is to earn 4 activity points and to have 4 daily points left over for when i start drinking at the early hour of 7 pm. yup, tonight is going to be major. personally, i hope not to hook up with anyone. perhaps not the most pc goal, but it's true - i really don't want to rebound!

i'm a busy bee

the past few days have been a whirlwind. while the bulk of my school work is over for the semeseter, i've been really busy organizing an event at school. my school hosts an international conference each year and this year i was responsible for communicating with all of the international delegates. quite the job when you have 60+ people coming from all over the world! anyway, it's my one involvement, so i want to do a good job. the conference starts tomorrow and lasts until sunday morning.

so here's the thing with the conference: it's really just an excuse to get drunk and hook up with foreigners (those of us with significant others, however, get to watch from the side lines and live vicariosuly through our single friends... hmmm, that actually sounds a tad creepy). booze is provided (yup, you heard me right, all you can drink free booze) and we get line bypass to all of the most popular bars from wednesday night until sunday morning. all in all, quite the social extravaganza. only thing is it's hiroshima for my waist line. ugh! i'm really worried about all of the drinking. because when i get drunk, my inner fattie bursts out and consumes everthing in sight. and by everything in sight, i mean it. last night, for example, my roomie and some friends went out and when i came home i went to town on a jar of peanut butter. seriously, i didn't even use a spoon.

for the past day or so i've been trying to think of strategies to avoid downing copious amounts of food. and i think i've found it: i'm going to be gentle with myself. that's its. no planned workouts, no pre-made meals, no nothing. i'm going to trust myself to make smart decisions. sure, if i have the time i'll try to squeeze in a run here and there. or if i can run home for a meal instead of eating ou i'll do it. but if i can't, i'm not going to let it ruin my day. i think the worst think i can do is let myself get into that whole "i feel so bad about eating that treat so i'm going to down this tub of m&ms" cycle. the competition is only 4 days long, and 4 days of eating less than perfectly is not going to kill me. it hasn't in the past, and it's not going to this week.

ok, so now that my little pep talk is over, a little review of what i've eaten today (please keep in mind that i was hungover as all hell and had 9:00 am class):

1/3 cup quaker oatmeal (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 small orange (0.5)

1 cup cantaloupe (1)
1 source yogurt (1) --> how much of a rip off is it that source yogurts are 35 calories and 1 effing point? aykarumba!
1 all bran bar (2)
1/4 cup skim milk in coffee (0.5)

1 pita pit salad with chicken (3) and
1/4 cup hummus (2)
30 pieces m&ms (estimating 4 points)

1 fruit and yogurt parfait (4)

1.5 cups edamame (2)
12 pieces sushi (5.5)

1 skinny tall latte (2)

1/2 cup golean! crunch cereal (1)
3/4 cup all bran flakes (1.5)
1 cup silk light (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total points = 34 --> 9 over daily amount of 25

ugh, this number doesn't make me too happy. oh well, all i can do is move on. here's my game plan for tomorrow:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. jam (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

1/2 can tuna drained (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
lettuce and vegetables (0)

1 medium apple (1)
1 cheesestring (1)

total =13.5 with 11.5 remaining. this should get me through the dinner and our first night out. also, my goal is to run for 30 mins. either tomorrow morning (depending on what time i get to bed) or at lunch.

snowstorm = life ruiner

ok, so perhaps "life ruiner" is a little extreme. but it's definitely ruining my saturday night!

my frustrations in list form:

1. bf was supposed to come visit me at school this weekend but was unable to do so. why? too much snow.
2. friends and i were supposed to go out tonight (while i was hesitant go out earlier today, cabin fever has made me do a 180 since then), but aren't anymore. also due to too much snow.
3. i had planned on going to american apparel to get some leather-like spandex, but was unable to leave my house because there was too much effing snow.
4. i want to eat my face off becasue (a) i'm lonely, (b) i have nothing else to do minus work (work doesn't count because i hate it), (c) i can't order movies through cable at my house at school, (d) i was really looking forward to buying new leggings, and (e) i hate snow.

um, yeah, so tonight sucks. ahhh well, i'll get through it. i just have to remember to find things to do besides eating. like... remembering that there are people in the world who have much bigger problems than a measley little snowstorm. i'm officially a horrible human being.

update from amsterdam

wow it's been a long time since i last posted. i'm going to have to keep this one short and sweet, as i only have 8 minutes and 18 seconds left of internet time.

europe has been amazing! it's an entirely other world over here. it's taken me a while to get used to the different lifestyle, but now that i've adjusted to it, i'm in complete and total love. everyone here is so chill. and the food is amazing. pretty sure i eat baguette/pastry with every meal and snack.

so let's talk about the food in europe. and let's talk about it in the most concise way possible - pros and cons style:
pro 1: it's delicious.
con 1: it's so delicious i can't stop eating it.
pro 2: it's cheap.
con 2: actually, it's not that cheap at all. i never think of euros in canadian dollars, so really i'm paying 50% more for everything over here than i would back home in canada. (disclaimer - after re-reading this post, i don't really know why this is on my list - but, since i feel it captures the "state" that i've been in for the past few days, i've decided not to delete it - *wink*wink*)
pro 3: there are different mcflurry flavors in each country.
con 3: i feel obligated to try each mcflurry flavor, as mcflurries are the most delicious things ever invented (minus peanut m&ms, my mother's baking, and a few other select items).
pro 4: it's full of calories, so theoretically i should stay fuller longer.
con 4: notice my use of "theoretically" in the above line. in actuality, fat makes me want to consume more fat, so this pro isn't a pro at all... it's a lie!

conclusion: i have noticed a visible difference in the size of my belly over the past 8 days. my clothes are snugger. even my tights! gasp!

prognosis: enjoy the last few days in europe, and get the hell back on track on tuesday. until then, make good choices. drink water. walk loads.

i hope everyone else has been having an enjoyable week. i haven't been able to check your blogs lately, but will be sure to do so when i'm back in canada.

ahhh!!

i'm going crazy!! i have so much school work to do, i don't know what to do with myself. i'm working on all of these group projects, and they're just going so effing slowly. ahhhh! i want my mom. yup, i just wrote that. this sucks.

i was back on track until today, when i fell off the bandwagon again. i'm so angry with myself, and my guilty feelings are only adding to my stress level. i need to breathe. drink some tea. relax. everything is going to be a-ok. repeat.

after this week is over, i'm officially never procrastinating again. you think by 4th year i would know this by now. but this time i'm serious.

i will try to post again later today. hopefully by then i will have taken a chill pill and have stopped freaking out. again: breathe in, beathe out.

tonight's goal: no more junk!! healthy foods only.

looong day

wow. what a day. so much fun, but so much food. i think i consumed 10 billion calories today (give or a take a million or two). as i mentionned yesterday, i spent the day volunteering. both lunch and dinner were provided: lunch was a buffet of sandwiches, fruit, and tortilla chips, and dinner was a pasta bar. i made healthy choices at lunch, but fell off the bandwagon at dinner. oh, and i fell hard. in fact, it was more like my bandwagon caught on fire and exploded into thousands of little pieces. seriously - it was calorie hell. at this point in time i don't even know if there is a bandwagon for me to get back on. anyways, here's what i ate: 1 large serving of vegetarian pasta (ravioli in tomato sauce), 1 large serving of chicken pasta (cream sauce + lots of cheese = fat on my stomach), 2 bread sticks, 1 serving of salad, 5 Hershey's kisses, and 1 Chocolate Extreme Blizzard from Dairy Queen (in my defense, i ate the Blizzard a few hours after dinner). ugh! and guess how i feel right now? guilty, lethargic, and fat.

i know that the best thing i can do is to track all of my points and plan for tomorrow. i'm also volunteering tomorrow, but only until mid-afternoon (it's a 2 day committment). lunch is pizza. i'm considering bringing my own lunch so as to avoid eating it. i know that pizza is one of my trigger foods and abstaining from it all together will ensure that i stay on plan. however, i'm worried that the people holding the event will think that i'm being rude and inconsiderate by not eating the food. sometimes eating healthy can be such a social faux pas!

my getting back on track plan:

eat filling breakfast with protein:
1 egg (2)
2 ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. jam (1)
1/2 cup Astro plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
1/4 silk light with 1 cup coffee (0.5)

eat a small snack before lunch:
12 almonds (2)
1 apple (1)

plan to work out in the afternoon:
earn at least 4 activity points (30 minutes running, 35 minutes on the eliptical trainer, etc.)

lacking motivation

menu for today:

1 ww bagel (2)
1 egg (2)
1 Source yogurt (1)
1 cup frozen strawberries (0)
1/4 cup silk light (0.5)
1 cup coffee

1 apple (1)
1 Source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 large coffee

pita pit salad with:
6 falafel ball-things (3)
3 tbsp. hummus (1.5)
lots of veggies (0)

1 scoop whey protein powder (2)
1/2 cup silk light (0.5)
1 cup frozen strawberries (1)
1 Source yogurt (1)

1/3 cup uncooked oatmeal (1.5)
1/2 tbsp. all natural peanut butter (1)

as of right now, dinner has yet to determined. i went grocery shopping today, so i have lots of options. i'm thinking of making white fish, with sweet potato fries, and a salad. it's my favorite dinner!

my fitness goal for the day is to go to the gym in my building and run on the treadmill for 30 minutes. i have very little motivation right now, having just come off of 3 very stressful days at school (handed in my final assignment this morning at 8 - phew!). not surprisingly, i haven't been sleeping much lately, which has made it hard to stay within my daily points (i ran out of flex points mid-way through a burrito early saturday morning). when i'm stressed and tired, all i want to do is eat and eat and eat some more. however, i've resisted the urge and have been on track since sunday. way to go me! now all i have to do is get one more workout in this week and i will have accomplished almost all of my weekly goals. i can't wait for my flex points to reset tomorrow.

tomorrow is valentines day and my two-year anniversary with my boyfriend. yeah, it's pretty corny that we started dating on v-day, but we did, so i'm going to celebrate the shit out of it (read: get wasted with my friends). i wish i could go back to the city to see him, but i can't because i'm volunteering all day friday and have to be on campus by 9:00 am. oh well! we had such a wonderful weekend together. i miss him so much. i really am so lucky to have such a great guy in my life.

lately i've been feeling pretty antsy at school, and i think it's been coming out in my eating. i'm nervous to graduate, yet so excited at the same time. i feel as though my mixed emotions are rearing their ugly heads in the form of late night binges (like that burrito at 2 am on saturday... yeah, like i really stopped eating it when i ran out of flex points). i need to find another way to handle my emotions. eating doesn't help anything. but even though i know this, sometimes i just can't seem to stop myself.

on the edge...

i'm on the brink of a binge right now. i have a test in 15 minutes, and another assignment due for tomorrow. i've already accepted that i'm going to have to skip my early evening class to get it all done. ugh, i hate missing classes, but i know that the next week is going to be jam packed with work, so loosing out on sleep right now would not be a good idea.

goal for today = do not go over daily points!! just don't do it!! i have 12.5 points left for today. please god, let me stay away from all things evil and full of calories.

i'll post later today with an update and recap of yesterday (here's a little preview: i was 100% on track!!)

success!

yay me! yesterday i stayed on plan, and even managed to squeeze in a 45-minute work out before i went to bed. i ate 27 points, 2 above my target of 25 per day. but i also earned 4 activity points from my work out, so i'm still on track. i'm hoping today goes just as well as yesterday. here's my planned menu for the day:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)
1/3 cup plain non-fat yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
1 cup coffee with 1/4 cup silk light (0.5)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 Source yogurt (1)

2/3 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (1.5)
1 cup canned crushed tomatoes with spices (0)
1/2 can of tuna (1.5)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1 small orange (0.5)

don't know what i'm going to do about afternoon snack or dinner yet. i'll probably grab something on campus for my snack, and then come home to whip up something delicious for dinner.

ahhh! only drawback to yesterday: i didn't get as much done as i was hoping to. i got the first 2 things on my list done, but i still have the remaining 3 to do, as well as the things on my to do list for today. yikes! it's going to be another busy day. i'm thinking of skipping my last class of the day (shhh!)

alright, now for today's goals:
1. stay on on plan - under 25 daily points
2. try to squeeze in some exercise - even just riding the bike or walking inclines in my building for about 25 minutes
3. get school work done!