november challenge

unfortunately don't have time for a well thought-out post today, as i'm just sitting down to watch gossip girl, a.k.a. queen b slay her interview at yale with s. anyways, since i now spend my days making "sick decks", i will now proceed to itemize the major going ons in my life over the past 2 months:

1. attended new york fashion week in september. naturally, it was incredible. had the best time attending the shows, going for dinner at fancy restaurants, partying in the rainbow room, ... aaamazing.
2. saw my ex-bf with his new gf out on the town. oh, and did i mention the new girl works with him? and that he recruited her to work with him last winter, when were still very much together? well now you know. that was a tough week or two.
3. started my new job in early october. it's amazing! i love the people, the projects, the atmosphere, everything. it's great. just great. i'm very happy there.

and now onto the topic at hand, my november challenge. see, the thing is i was hugely successful with dropping weight until about thanksgiving weekend. then i was at my lowest weight in years at 145.8 lbs (please keep in mind that my scale weighs about 3 lbs heavy - i use it for reference more than anything). last sunday i was 147.1 lbs. this weekend, however, was a total and complete disaster. i want to get back on track, working towards my ultimate goal of 135 lbs. the following is my strategy for doing just that:

eating
24 points per day, 35 flex points per week. focus on core foods, and avoid eating processed foods and aspartame as much as possible. keep sodium to a minimum - i.e., sushi once per week, few soups, no popcorn (even if it is smartpop), etc. save flex points for social engagements.

exercise
aim to workout 5 times per week, ideally 3 times during the week and twice on weekends. meet with personal trainer every thursday morning before work. and always stretch! not stretching after working out equals more pain and less calories burned.

sleeping
aim for 7 hours per night. in bed by 10:30 pm to wake up at 5:30 am.

emotional
no binge eating. do not manage work-related stresses with food. come home, relax, clean, shop, blog, whatever. just don't eat. and as for that whole new boy situation? remember that eating because you're happy is still emotional eating. you got that?

well, hello again

i'm back. currently at my cottage in northern ontario, canada. my 2.5 month trip across the world has come to an end. since may, i've been to: hong kong; macau, china; australia's east coast (notable highlights include sydney, surfer's paradise, brisbane, noosa, whitsundays, and cairns); northern thailand; laos; vietnam; cambodia; and the thai islands. and now i'm at a loss for words. because my trip wasn't really about the places i visited - yes, they were all magnificant in their own right - but the things i learned about myself along the way. boy, did i learn a lot about yours truly. i'm in a very interesting place right now. i need more time on my own, to allow all of these tidbits of information to settle in. that's why i decided to leave the city immidiately after landing - i need time to reflect, absorb, move on.

one of my most vivid memories from my trip comes from early may, a few days after having arrived in australia. just outside of sydney there's a mountain range called the "blue mountains". i decided to make the 2 hour journey on the train to the mountains on my own. once there, i hiked the trails for about 6 hours - just me and my map. after having climbed to the bottom of one of the ridges, i remember sitting down on a bench and sobbing for about an hour. not about anything in particular - just that i was there, on my own, doing something completely for myself. it was a very powerful moment for me. it was as if i was flexing my independence for the first time since my (somewhat) recent breakup.

ah, my breakup. my breakup followed me everywhere. i thought about him everyday. countless times i wished that he was there with me. hell, i think i wrote him about 10 emails over the course of my time away. didn't send them, but i wrote them. i wanted to tell him everything i was doing, share my experiences with him, ask him for advice, .... but i knew i couldn't. reaching out to him at that time would have been the wrong thing to do - it would have unecessarily hurt both of us. our relationship is done, it's run its course. i knew i couldn't rely on him for support anymore. travelling taught me two somewhat contradictory things about my relationship with him: (1) that i still loved him and (2) that it would never work between us.

and yes, i did travel with mr. new zealand for about 2.5 weeks. it was great - we got along fabulously. but he hurt me - and as much as i want to make excuses for him, i know i can't. he cheated on his girlfriend with me and i feel miserable about it. i'm embarassed that i compromised my morals for someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings. yet, from mr. new zealand i learned that i need to be on my own. i remember looking at him once while he was asleep and thinking to myself, "this is wrong, i don't want this, not yet".

i believe in horoscopes

check out my horoscope from this past saturday (the day matt and i officially called it quits):

"you've been trying hard to be what you imagine you ought to be rather than being who you are. respect is gained when people know you're true to your principles."

the past few days i've been thinking long and hard about why it didn't feel "right" with matt and i think my horoscope hits the nail on the head when it says that i was pretending to be something that i wasn't. matt's a great guy - as i've mentioned before - and for the past few years i've wanted him to be the guy for me. but in reality he wasn't, so i changed myself to be better suited to him and assumed that everything was a-ok. until i grew up a little more and realized that playing pretend is only fun for so long. i was sick of playing his girlfriend and am finally ready to be my own person. i'm officially boy free for the first time in 2.5 years and i couldn't be more excited to grow into myself. through all of this sadness i've learned a very valuable lesson: never compromise your own person to make someone else happy.

the past few days have been tough - i've definitely had my ups and downs - but my friends and family have been a great support to me. pretty sure i have plans every night for the next few days! exercise has also been a great stress relief. i've only taken one day off from working out in the past week (yesterday - we had a graduation dinner so i was short on time), which i'm very proud of myself for. it's reassuring to know that when the going gets tough, i get running! i've been venturing outside lately and the fresh air is definitely doing me some good. i even walked home from school today (about 35 min. walk) to clear my head. i'm really enjoying the time i'm taking for myself to think about everything that's been going on - even though most of my thought sessions often end in a blubbery phone call to my mom (god bless her little heart)!

while exercising has been great, my eating has seen better days. actually, it was just last night that my eating was off track. and by off track i mean completely derailed. i went to the keg with some friends for dinner, and let's just say that when you're half a bottle of wine in, there's no holding me back from that bread - mmm, keg bread is perhaps one of the best inventions of all time! eurydice just posted some motivating tips, so i'm thinking of printing them out and sticking them on my fridge. hey, a little inspiration never hurt anyone!

ooo and finally, new zealand boy is back and writing to me like it's his job (sweet! - sidenote: still considering myself boy free because he lives on the other side of the world), and it looks like i might be touring asia for the summer instead of settling in australia. it'll be interesting to see how my summer plans unfold over the next few days!

horrible day = lots of lessons learned

as i wrote earlier this evening, i'm having a horrible day. i'm in the midst of working on a major group project, which is due at the end of this week. we've had this project for almost a year, but most of my group didn't really start working on it until mid january. i began working on it in november and have been holding regular meetings to encourage people to also get their asses into gear since then. all of my attempts up until about a month ago failed miserably.

there were originally 3 girls and 3 guys in my group. however, 2 of the girls are on exchange this semester, leaving the 3 guys and i to finish the project on our own. my closest friends in the group are these 2 girls. i wish they could have been here tonight!

so allow me to schoot the shit (pardon my french): we had a meeting this evening and i did not act appropriately. i let the stress of this project get to me, and i lashed out at my group members (i wasn't cruel, but firm... and to be fair, i made a point of doing it in the nicest way possible). i openly complained that they were not doing enough. this past weekend, for example, two of them went to the us drinking, while i spent a good portion of it working on the project. the other group member was mia for most of the weekend.

when two of them left the meeting to do what i thought were separate things, i spoke candidly with the other one about how i was feeling (let's call him "sean", not because i want to protect his privacy, but because that's his name, and if he should ever stumble upon this blog, i want thim to know how i feel right now... grrr!). i told him that i was feeling under appreciated, and that i wanted all of us to do well on this project. sean sat with me and helped me work through a problem, which made me feel somewhat better. the other 2 came back in the room and chatted briefly with us before leaving for the night. sean and i stayed longer, and i thought that we were getting along very well. he finally went home, and i stayed to continue working.

about 30 minutes after he left, sean messaged me on msn. he told me that when the other 2 guys left the room, they were actually planning on how to "deal" with me. sean mentionned that he and our other 2 group members no longer trust me with the project, and that they plan on taking it over from here on out. all of this he volunteered to me; i didn't pry to learn more about what they were saying about me behind my back. the worst part is that he ended the conversation with, "anyways, this conversation is pointless, i don't know why we're even talking about this" (sidenote: at this point i was thinking, "you're telling me this to try to make me feel like shit, scumbag!!") we haven't spoken since.

so i called my bf, and i cried. yes, i cried about a stupid school project. did i mention that i'm 21? yup, crying at 21 over a school project = very not cool.

so, what have i learned from this experience? well, lots:

1. never trust sean again. i have worked with him before on group projects, and in the past he has acted poorly. as of right now, feb. 20th, 2008, i vow to never work with sean again. all of you in internet land can be my witnesses. (note: i saved my msn convo with sean as a reminder of this lesson... and to possibly use as blackmail against him later on).
2. take a chill pill. it really doesn't matter how i do in school right now, as i have a sweet job lined up for me when i graduate. learn to stress about things when it matters, and not when it doesn't. tonight, for example, i really didn't need to stress.
3. do not lash out at others when you're feeling stressed. no further explanation needed here.
4. sean deserves to be kicked in the balls for kicking me when i was down. do not ever, i repeat ever, open up to him again. save your emotions for people who aren't going to turn around and use them to hurt you (this includes my dear bf, roomie, girl friends, etc.)
5. blogging is a great way to turn negative experiences into positive ones.

alright, enough bitching and whining. i'm going to zipit. but before i do, here's my plan for dealing with sean and the other 2 group members until this project is over:

- work from home or somewhere i won't run into them. the less face time, the better.
- put your head down and get my work done. in the end, an extra hour or 2 will have no impact on my final mark.
- do what has been assigned to me, and no more. do not "go the extra mile". it's their problem now.
- exercise. it's a great stress relief. and i'll be extra motivated because i'll be angry (my best workouts are always when i'm super angry... i'm going to kick the crap out of that treadmill tomorrow).
- get a good nights sleep.

good night!

oh! and obviously, since my emotions were out of control, i ate to feel better. and surprise, surprise, i feel worse than i did before i ate.