back in toronto

the past few days have been a blur: had my last night out at university (actually this time), moved back home, cleaned and gutted my apartment, etc. not to mention all of the good byes! for someone who has been "ready" to leave university for the past few months, i got pretty emotional about it all. i was especially sad to leave my roommate and our mutual best-friend nem (code name). good thing my roommate is still my roommate, as we're moving out together in the fall again. i would miss her too much!

life at home has been, well, life at home. hung out with my new roommates tonight (by this i mean my mom and dad). wasn't all that bad - had my frist home-cooked meal in a long time! and my mom's a chef so you know it was delicious. mmm, got to love her fajitas!

slipped up on both monday and tuesday. ugh! i was doing really well on both days until about 9 pm. on monday i got super drunk, so of course all rational decision making went out the window. and yesterday i thought to myself, "you deserve a treat after these four years of hard work", so i ordered a cookie sundae for dessert when i went out to dinner with my mom and rooms. at least we shared it 3 ways! ahhh, still came home and had a mini feast on ice cream. god, i love ice cream.

anyways, back on track today. i've only had 16.5 points to eat so far today, and am wondering how i'm going to get to 23 in the next 3 hours. i wish i had this problem all of the time. i'm thinking of making myself a peanut butter and banana smoothie. two of my favorite things in the entire world blended until drinkable = phenomenal. also, i got in a great workout today - 30 mins running intervals at the gym (total of 3.25 miles) and 20 mins on the stationary bike. i walked up a storm shopping, but am not going to count that as activity. with 2 weeks until i leave, i mean business!

here's what i've had to eat today:

1 egg (2)
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
little of bit of lettuce and tomato (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup fresh raspberries --> another perk of being home is the fresh fruit (0)

6 pieces salmon sushi (3.5)
1 green salad with 1 tsp dressing (1)

1 grande iced coffee with 2 pumps sugar-free mocha syrup and splash of skim milk (0.5)
1 large apple (2)

3 oz. chicken (2.5)
1 tsp olive oil (1) --> my mom says that she only used 1 tsp for the entire thing, but she looked a little a shifty when she said it...
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
1/4 cup salsa (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total is 16.5 points. practically a miracle. i don't know how this happened. it's as if my body is saying, "stop eating you gluten you!" i don't know why it's not hungry. i'll forever remember today as "the day i just wasn't hungry". i doubt i'll ever have a day like today again. i'm perpetually hungry/wanting to eat.

anyways, enough about my crazy day. as already mentioned, i went shopping for some cute numbers for my trip. i would post pictures of what i bought, but can't seem to find any online. i got 3 light-weight jersey dresses: 1 royal blue, 1 bubble-gum pink, and 1 brown. the brown one is stunning, if i do say so myself. it's got all of this braided detailing... aaamazing. also picked up a cute high waisted skirt and a pair of shorts. ok, perhaps not the most practical things, but i need to look nice when i go out!

oh, and mr. new zealand sent me an email saying that he's booked and paid for all of his flights. crazy to think that he's actually coming with me for part of my trip! and to think that this is the same guy i meet all those weeks ago. hubba hubba, he is sooo dreamy (disclaimer: i do not, in fact, write for tween magazines, although i definitely have the vocab to). strange how the world works sometimes.

yesterday i slippped up...

... and today i'm putting it behind me. but before i move on, i think a quick recap of what went down is in order.

had 12 daily points remaining around mid-afternoon (had even said no to the candies being passed around the exam i was proctoring!) started drinking around 4:30 pm. made smart drink choices - had a few bud lights and coors lights - but still ended up getting completely smashed. so by the time dinner rolled around, i was in no state of mind to make healthy choices. we went for greasy pub fare and i had the chicken sandwich with - get this - a salad! that's right. in my state of oblivion i some how managed to say no to the fries and yes to the veggies. i even ordered my dressing on the side. i think that calls for a freaking award or something. but unfortunately, friends, i didn't stop there. one of the girls we went out to dinner with didn't want the rest of her quesidilla so i had 1/3 of it. gross! i mean, where was the willpower when i really needed it? ugh. went back to my house to make some jello shooters and to get ready for the bare. had a few jello shooters and some cereal to, as i rationalized, "slow the absorption". bad move. anyways, ended up sobering up before the bar and decided to stay in instead. so that's it. the end of my drinking days at university. blah!

ok, so back to moving on. today i will not, i repeat, will not go over my daily points limit of 24. and i'm going to go for a run outside - it's such a beautiful day after all!

today has been hard

i woke up today feeling like absolute crap. i still feel like absolute crap. and you know what? i'm not going to start feeling better any time soon, as i have a massive project due tomorrow at 5 pm. great, just great.

my weekend has been wild. in fact, some might even say too wild. i went out on both friday and saturday and had wayyy too much to drink on both nights. i don't know how to say this, don't even really know if i want the entire blog world to know, but i was so desperate for male attention i did some pretty stupid things. don't worry - nothing got too scandalous. but i put myself out there and got shut down pretty hard. and it sucks. my self esteem is in the gutter right now. i don't know how to pick it back up, so of course i've resorted to mcdonald's to soothe my frustrations. obviously that's not helping anything at all.

i hate that i'm so boy-crazy right now - that i've become so desperate for male attention that i'll compromise myself to get it. ugh! i've never been like this before. i don't know what my problems is. and i'm just so effing embarrased. ugh, should get back to work on my project, but i really need to vent. i feel so miserable. ugh! i know i will get through this, that this is just a symptom of the post break up jitters. i know, i know. but i hate feeling this way.

here's a thought: just say no!

bah! flashback a few hours to when i was getting ready to go out for some pati-o-so-good times. remember what i did? i set 2 mini goals for myself. and what were they? oh right, (1) make good choices and (2) no grease. fast forward a few hours to when we're sitting on the patio. what do i have to eat? oh that's right, i choose to split a pizza hut-type pizza with one of my buddies. and then what do i do then? ahhh yes, i order a brownie thingy-ma-bob for desert. ok, so back to those goals: (1) made bad choices and (2) lots of grease. when will i learn to listen to my head and not my stomach?

anyways, greasy pizza does quite the number on me, so i decided to come home early. so here i am. sitting in my living room. no friends. roomie away for the weekend. bloated as all hell. and all because i didn't listen to that little voice inside my head yelling, "don't do ittt!"

ahhh well. this sucks. tomorrow will be better. drinking lots of water now. have to flush out the bloat before monday morning weigh-in.

update from amsterdam

wow it's been a long time since i last posted. i'm going to have to keep this one short and sweet, as i only have 8 minutes and 18 seconds left of internet time.

europe has been amazing! it's an entirely other world over here. it's taken me a while to get used to the different lifestyle, but now that i've adjusted to it, i'm in complete and total love. everyone here is so chill. and the food is amazing. pretty sure i eat baguette/pastry with every meal and snack.

so let's talk about the food in europe. and let's talk about it in the most concise way possible - pros and cons style:
pro 1: it's delicious.
con 1: it's so delicious i can't stop eating it.
pro 2: it's cheap.
con 2: actually, it's not that cheap at all. i never think of euros in canadian dollars, so really i'm paying 50% more for everything over here than i would back home in canada. (disclaimer - after re-reading this post, i don't really know why this is on my list - but, since i feel it captures the "state" that i've been in for the past few days, i've decided not to delete it - *wink*wink*)
pro 3: there are different mcflurry flavors in each country.
con 3: i feel obligated to try each mcflurry flavor, as mcflurries are the most delicious things ever invented (minus peanut m&ms, my mother's baking, and a few other select items).
pro 4: it's full of calories, so theoretically i should stay fuller longer.
con 4: notice my use of "theoretically" in the above line. in actuality, fat makes me want to consume more fat, so this pro isn't a pro at all... it's a lie!

conclusion: i have noticed a visible difference in the size of my belly over the past 8 days. my clothes are snugger. even my tights! gasp!

prognosis: enjoy the last few days in europe, and get the hell back on track on tuesday. until then, make good choices. drink water. walk loads.

i hope everyone else has been having an enjoyable week. i haven't been able to check your blogs lately, but will be sure to do so when i'm back in canada.

ahhh!!

i'm going crazy!! i have so much school work to do, i don't know what to do with myself. i'm working on all of these group projects, and they're just going so effing slowly. ahhhh! i want my mom. yup, i just wrote that. this sucks.

i was back on track until today, when i fell off the bandwagon again. i'm so angry with myself, and my guilty feelings are only adding to my stress level. i need to breathe. drink some tea. relax. everything is going to be a-ok. repeat.

after this week is over, i'm officially never procrastinating again. you think by 4th year i would know this by now. but this time i'm serious.

i will try to post again later today. hopefully by then i will have taken a chill pill and have stopped freaking out. again: breathe in, beathe out.

tonight's goal: no more junk!! healthy foods only.

in the groove

wow, i am so full of energy right now i don't know what to do with myself. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's the sugar free red bull i drank four hours ago that's keeping me up. sometimes i do really stupid things. like drink a can of red bull at 10 pm when i want to be in bed by 12:30 am. oh well, what's done is done. i might as well make use of my artificially high energy level.

tomorrow is going to be tough. i'm volunteering all day, and both lunch and dinner are being "provided". i say "provided" because chances are it's going to be domino's pizza for lunch and pizza pizza for dinner, and neither of those options appeal to me. i won't be getting in any activity points tomorrow, so i'll probably have to dip into my flex. not to worry - i have 32.5 to get me to next thursday. i know i can do it! i've packed lots of healthy snacks to tide me over, as well. here's what i'm bringing with me:

sliced vegetables (carrots, celery, and cherry tomatoes) (0)
1 medium apple (1)
1 small orange (1)
12 almonds (2)
1 Luna bar (3)
1 Source yogurt (1)

i'm also considering bringing some oatmeal and peanut butter to make in the microwave at school if i really don't like the food being offered. i don't want to seem rude, but i want to stick to my diet and fitness goals!