the non-back-to-school jitters

for the past 2 days i've been extremely anxious. and i think i've finally put my finger on it - the seasons are changing, my sisters are going back to school, my friends are moving away to start various jobs all around the world, and yet i'm still here, living out of my parents basement, just waiting. waiting for my life to pick up again. to start work, to make some serious moulla, to move out. and while i've found some really interesting things to do in the interm, i can't help but feel like i'm missing out. as noted in yesterday's post, i like to keep busy. i seem to get really on edge whenever i'm not wrapped up in a whirlwind of work, social events, friends, family, ... and that's how i feel right now.

for one, i'm having a really tough time living at home. i've lived on my own for the past 4 years, and well, re-entry has been slightly trying at times. at first it was great - no rent (thank you parents!), free food (another thanks to the folks), great location. but i miss my old lifestyle terribly. and my mother gets on my nerves like no one else can. she's insanely irritable and snaps at everything. oh, i'm sure i do my share to provoke her. and while i'm also sure there are lots of things i can do to improve my living situation, right now i feel like playing the snotty 21-year-old card and blaming her for all my anxieties. and my lack of boyfriend. and for the 3 lbs. i still have to loose to make my labor day goal. and for the fact that my friends are all moving away. and... and... and... this isn't getting me anywhere. time for me to suck it up and quit being a princess. god, i'm sooo typical. argh!

alright, now that that annoying little rant is out of my system, time to move forward. it's that time of post again - action plan time. so here's how i'm going to handle my frustrations when i get home from work:
- work out (for my personal sanity)
- laundry
- clean bedroom (including move desk chair to basement)
- clean bathroom cabinets (get rid of old products, etc.)
- organize makeup (i'm a makeup junkie, and right now my little case is overflowing with products i haven't used in over a year - it's stressing me out)
- go to bed early

anxiety attacks

i couldn't sleep for the life of me last night. it was very strange - went to bed anxious and woke up feeling even more so. i wonder what's gotten me so worked up? couldn't be my exam (should be pretty straight-forward), or the projects i'm working on (making good progress on all of them). can't be body issues (feeling great today!) or lack of exercise (ran for 46 minutes last night - wahoo!). hmmm... ahhh, yes. my trip. my trip is freaking me out. instead of leaving on the 12th, as i had originally planned, i'm now leaving on the 8th. only cuts down prep time by about 4 days, but still feeling worried that i'm not going to get everything done in time! ok, breathe. this is ok. i'm making a to do list as soon as i finish this post.

yesterday started off kind of shitty/kind of good, got worse, and then got a lot better. allow me to explain: i woke up early yesterday to go for a run, but received an instant message from mr. new zealand just as i was stepping out the door. obviously i had to respond and we ended up chatting for about an hour (recap: good = talking to mr. new zealand, bad = no run). but midway through our convo, the unthinkable happened - my computer fell breaking my charger (recap: very bad = charger breaking when 3 papers are due from friday - monday). ugh, so i had to deal with that. next, i went to a group meeting, where i found out that one chick in my group was "too overwhelmed" to do her part, so i was given an extra 1,500 words to write for this morning (recap: very, very bad = working with people who don't pull their weight). thanks a lot, asshole. it's not like i have nothing else going on right now.

anyways, day got better when - get this - i went for the best run i can remember last night! as already mentioned, i ran a whopping 46 minutes. that's right, bitches - no stopping and lots of big hills. i'm a machine. i had planned to run for about 30 minutes (time it takes me to do roughly 5 km), but when i finished my loop i had this strange urge to keep going. so i did. and now i'm uber buff. don't know whose blog i read this on, but i remember someone saying that running is like therapy. let's just say that last night's run was one big therapy session - got pretty worked up about matt in the middle of it (guess that's what happens when you listen to alanis morisette circa the late 90s), but just ran through it. i kept telling myself, "running is therapy, run through your emotions". hell, i feel great now.

i'm hoping to to go out tonight (last thursday night at university!). i may have to stay in because of that idiotic girl, but let's hope not. regardless, friday and saturday are going to be pretty wild. to track my progress this week (i know the weekend is going to be rough), i weighted myself today, even though monday is technically my weigh in day. good news - was down to 147.0 lbs. i'm going to try really hard to manage my eating this weekend, even though it is my last weekend at university. game plan is the same as always: make smart choices.

should get back to work, as i still have to pass this stupid, effing report off to my lazy-ass group member.

snowstorm = life ruiner

ok, so perhaps "life ruiner" is a little extreme. but it's definitely ruining my saturday night!

my frustrations in list form:

1. bf was supposed to come visit me at school this weekend but was unable to do so. why? too much snow.
2. friends and i were supposed to go out tonight (while i was hesitant go out earlier today, cabin fever has made me do a 180 since then), but aren't anymore. also due to too much snow.
3. i had planned on going to american apparel to get some leather-like spandex, but was unable to leave my house because there was too much effing snow.
4. i want to eat my face off becasue (a) i'm lonely, (b) i have nothing else to do minus work (work doesn't count because i hate it), (c) i can't order movies through cable at my house at school, (d) i was really looking forward to buying new leggings, and (e) i hate snow.

um, yeah, so tonight sucks. ahhh well, i'll get through it. i just have to remember to find things to do besides eating. like... remembering that there are people in the world who have much bigger problems than a measley little snowstorm. i'm officially a horrible human being.

horrible day = lots of lessons learned

as i wrote earlier this evening, i'm having a horrible day. i'm in the midst of working on a major group project, which is due at the end of this week. we've had this project for almost a year, but most of my group didn't really start working on it until mid january. i began working on it in november and have been holding regular meetings to encourage people to also get their asses into gear since then. all of my attempts up until about a month ago failed miserably.

there were originally 3 girls and 3 guys in my group. however, 2 of the girls are on exchange this semester, leaving the 3 guys and i to finish the project on our own. my closest friends in the group are these 2 girls. i wish they could have been here tonight!

so allow me to schoot the shit (pardon my french): we had a meeting this evening and i did not act appropriately. i let the stress of this project get to me, and i lashed out at my group members (i wasn't cruel, but firm... and to be fair, i made a point of doing it in the nicest way possible). i openly complained that they were not doing enough. this past weekend, for example, two of them went to the us drinking, while i spent a good portion of it working on the project. the other group member was mia for most of the weekend.

when two of them left the meeting to do what i thought were separate things, i spoke candidly with the other one about how i was feeling (let's call him "sean", not because i want to protect his privacy, but because that's his name, and if he should ever stumble upon this blog, i want thim to know how i feel right now... grrr!). i told him that i was feeling under appreciated, and that i wanted all of us to do well on this project. sean sat with me and helped me work through a problem, which made me feel somewhat better. the other 2 came back in the room and chatted briefly with us before leaving for the night. sean and i stayed longer, and i thought that we were getting along very well. he finally went home, and i stayed to continue working.

about 30 minutes after he left, sean messaged me on msn. he told me that when the other 2 guys left the room, they were actually planning on how to "deal" with me. sean mentionned that he and our other 2 group members no longer trust me with the project, and that they plan on taking it over from here on out. all of this he volunteered to me; i didn't pry to learn more about what they were saying about me behind my back. the worst part is that he ended the conversation with, "anyways, this conversation is pointless, i don't know why we're even talking about this" (sidenote: at this point i was thinking, "you're telling me this to try to make me feel like shit, scumbag!!") we haven't spoken since.

so i called my bf, and i cried. yes, i cried about a stupid school project. did i mention that i'm 21? yup, crying at 21 over a school project = very not cool.

so, what have i learned from this experience? well, lots:

1. never trust sean again. i have worked with him before on group projects, and in the past he has acted poorly. as of right now, feb. 20th, 2008, i vow to never work with sean again. all of you in internet land can be my witnesses. (note: i saved my msn convo with sean as a reminder of this lesson... and to possibly use as blackmail against him later on).
2. take a chill pill. it really doesn't matter how i do in school right now, as i have a sweet job lined up for me when i graduate. learn to stress about things when it matters, and not when it doesn't. tonight, for example, i really didn't need to stress.
3. do not lash out at others when you're feeling stressed. no further explanation needed here.
4. sean deserves to be kicked in the balls for kicking me when i was down. do not ever, i repeat ever, open up to him again. save your emotions for people who aren't going to turn around and use them to hurt you (this includes my dear bf, roomie, girl friends, etc.)
5. blogging is a great way to turn negative experiences into positive ones.

alright, enough bitching and whining. i'm going to zipit. but before i do, here's my plan for dealing with sean and the other 2 group members until this project is over:

- work from home or somewhere i won't run into them. the less face time, the better.
- put your head down and get my work done. in the end, an extra hour or 2 will have no impact on my final mark.
- do what has been assigned to me, and no more. do not "go the extra mile". it's their problem now.
- exercise. it's a great stress relief. and i'll be extra motivated because i'll be angry (my best workouts are always when i'm super angry... i'm going to kick the crap out of that treadmill tomorrow).
- get a good nights sleep.

good night!

oh! and obviously, since my emotions were out of control, i ate to feel better. and surprise, surprise, i feel worse than i did before i ate.