the tale of the malfunctionning scale

once upon a time there was a weight watchers scale. this scale wasn't like the other scales - it was digital and supposedly accurate to the first decimal place. a young twenty something used this scale once a week for about 8 months, believing her weight to be in the range of 145.0 - 153.0 lbs. this girl's roommate would sometimes use the scale, as well. she would always comment that her weight seemed higher than normal when she stepped on it, but the two of them usually chalked it up to water bloat (they were frequent sushi eaters). until one day our heroine stepped on another scale - the scale she used previous to her fancy pants one. and lo and behold she came in at just under 145 lbs. - 4.5 lbs. less than what her scale had been reading! so what did she do? well, she did what any sane body-obsessed woman would do - she forgot about the twisted scale that was making her feel like shit and lived happily ever after with the new one. the end.

so, that pretty much sums up my weigh in today. i woke up and stepped on my weight watchers scale, which read 148.7 lbs., and then stepped on my old one, which read 145.0 lbs. (actually, it read about 144.8 lbs. - sweet!). my roommate had been complaining about my old scale all year - she goes to weight watchers meetings and found that my scale would overestimate her weight by 1.0 - 4.0 lbs. i've decided to finally listen to her and forget about ye old scale and replace her (because every inanimate object in my life is a her) with the new one. there you have it - i weigh just under 145.0 lbs. and there ain't nothing that bitch of a scale can do about it! don't think i've had a weigh in this exciting since i first started focusing on my body about 3 years ago (back then the scale was closer to 175.0 lbs.)

moving on, moving on. weekend was pretty uneventful. my sister's prom was on friday and i helped her with the after party at our place. fun, but i can think of a more exciting things to do than host 30 18-year olds between the hours of 1 am and 4 am in the morning. feel as though i went above and beyond the sisterly requirements on that one (did i mention i made them food?) saturday was spent lounging around most of the day and yesterday i had a family commitment which took up most of the afternoon. one of my best girl friends from high school came over to watch a movie last night and we picked a real oscar-winner - sydney white starring amanda bynes. again, more evidence i should write for the tween market. i have to admit, though, amanda bynes is pretty damn funny. and (dare i say it?) real!

i've been dreaming about my ex-boyfriend a lot these days and i'm really missing him. usually i'm very comfortable with the decision i made to end things with him, but today i'm not. it's making me feel a little mopey and even a bit sick to my stomach. i hope these feelings are mostly due to my move back home - life at home is much calmer than life at school. i know he's gone now, but i just wish i could hold him one last time. i want to know how he's doing - did he get on the project he wanted at work? did he end up running the boston marathon? did he beat "hard" on guitar hero (which i gave him, might i add)? it's only been 5 weeks or so - i shouldn't beat myself up for still having these feelings. but i do miss him and right now i want to reach out to him more than ever. i know i can't. it wouldn't be fair to either of us.

enough to the negative nancy talk, on to what i plan on eating today:

1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. natural peanut butter (1)
1 medium orange (1)

3 oz. turkey breast (2)
1/4 cup canned chickpeas (1)
1 tbsp. dressing (1)
2 slices weight watchers bread (1)
loads of 0-point vegetables (0)

1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)
6 almonds (1)
1/2 cup nature's path optimum slim (1)

total is 12, leaving 11 to play with for the rest of today. even though i was planning on taking today off from working out, i think it might help my emotional state if i break a sweat. so that's my goal for today - work out to get a load off!

my very own challenge!

today was weigh in day. recall that on thursday morning i weighed 147.0 lbs. however, when i stepped on the scale this morning i weighed a staggering 152.7 lbs.! yikes! i don't even remember the last time my weight was this high. how can i have gained 5.2 lbs. over the course of 3 days? how is that even possible? i'm hoping that the gain is largely due to water retention, but who knows. god, i feel miserable about this.

what makes it worse is that i'm hoping to shed a few pounds before i leave for my trip on may 8th. i can't let this let diversion get in my way - 3 days is not the end of the world. i can get through this little blip (positive self talk, positive self talk, ...) doesn't help that my self esteem has reached all time lows thanks to this weekend's events.

so what am i going to do about this? i'm going to start my very own 23 day challenge. nothing is going to get in my way - university is done, i'm moving out in a week or so, and all of my toronto friends still have exams. let's call my challenge, um, i need a name... ah yes, "dbc's pick yourself up out of the gutter and get moving 23-day challenge". notice how i don't make mention to my trip or trying to look hot or anything like that. right now i'm thinking of weight loss as a means to end - and that end is to get rando dudes to like me (and by like, i mean want to pick me up at the bar... sure, too much information, but the truth of the matter nonetheless). i have to shed this mindset. i want to start thinking about weight loss as a means of improving myself - eating better, exercising more often and effectively, trying new things (foods, group classes, etc.). my mantra going forward is, "i'm doing this for me, and no one else." not even you - asshole boy who rejected me at the bar! f*ck y'all, i'm shedding these pounds to make me feel better, so there - nah!

now that we're all thoroughly impressed by my maturity, allow me to share my plan with you:

1. follow weight watchers. yes, i'm tempted to try other "faster acting" plans, but i know that they won't work. i want this weight loss (however minor it may be in just 23 days) to be permanent. i want to have my healthy habits set in stone by the time i leave - binging on delicious asian food while away = not on plan
2. reduce daily points to 24. normally i adjust my daily point values to be 25, but for these 23 days i'm going to do exactly what the site tells me -and today it told me to eat 24 points per day (normally 23 - ouch that hurts!)
3. work out minimum of 5 times a week. and try different exercises too! incorporate more weight training and yoga (both for the peace of mind and health benefits)
4. post progress on blog each day. you'll soon notice a new sidebar dedicated to my challenge. watch it as i tackle this baby head on
5. do not get drunk. you hear me? that's right, i am not getting drunk once in these 23 days. i'd love to say no drinking altogether but i know that's unrealistic for me. instead, 2 - 3 drinks when i got out max. none of this binge drinking and throwing myself at randos business. nu uh - i'm done with that (at least until australia...) i'm trying to solve all of my post-break up problems at the bar and - get this - it's not working. i need some quality sober time
6. taking a page out glams book here, but on the morning of may 8th, my 24th day on plan, i'm going to post a picture of myself in a bikini. on this very website. with the caption "i did it!" no ifs, ands, or buts about. this sh*t is going down

also, you may have noticed my self deprecating post last night and thought to yourself, "geeze, why is this chick such a debbie downer"? well, i'll tell you straight up that i got shut down on saturday night. cute guy, known him for a while now, just wasn't into me. i put myself out there for the first time since matt, and i got slapped in the face (not literally). and it suuucks. i felt horrible about myself. even now when i look back on it i get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach (ok, guess the "even now" bit wasn't necessary - this did just happen on saturday). ahhh well, live and let live. i've learned some lessons from this one and they will not be soon forgotten.

i have about 7.5 hours of school left - project due at 5 pm - so i should probably get down to it. god, can't wait for school to be over. it's such a drag.

here's to my new challenge! i know i can do it.

anxiety attacks

i couldn't sleep for the life of me last night. it was very strange - went to bed anxious and woke up feeling even more so. i wonder what's gotten me so worked up? couldn't be my exam (should be pretty straight-forward), or the projects i'm working on (making good progress on all of them). can't be body issues (feeling great today!) or lack of exercise (ran for 46 minutes last night - wahoo!). hmmm... ahhh, yes. my trip. my trip is freaking me out. instead of leaving on the 12th, as i had originally planned, i'm now leaving on the 8th. only cuts down prep time by about 4 days, but still feeling worried that i'm not going to get everything done in time! ok, breathe. this is ok. i'm making a to do list as soon as i finish this post.

yesterday started off kind of shitty/kind of good, got worse, and then got a lot better. allow me to explain: i woke up early yesterday to go for a run, but received an instant message from mr. new zealand just as i was stepping out the door. obviously i had to respond and we ended up chatting for about an hour (recap: good = talking to mr. new zealand, bad = no run). but midway through our convo, the unthinkable happened - my computer fell breaking my charger (recap: very bad = charger breaking when 3 papers are due from friday - monday). ugh, so i had to deal with that. next, i went to a group meeting, where i found out that one chick in my group was "too overwhelmed" to do her part, so i was given an extra 1,500 words to write for this morning (recap: very, very bad = working with people who don't pull their weight). thanks a lot, asshole. it's not like i have nothing else going on right now.

anyways, day got better when - get this - i went for the best run i can remember last night! as already mentioned, i ran a whopping 46 minutes. that's right, bitches - no stopping and lots of big hills. i'm a machine. i had planned to run for about 30 minutes (time it takes me to do roughly 5 km), but when i finished my loop i had this strange urge to keep going. so i did. and now i'm uber buff. don't know whose blog i read this on, but i remember someone saying that running is like therapy. let's just say that last night's run was one big therapy session - got pretty worked up about matt in the middle of it (guess that's what happens when you listen to alanis morisette circa the late 90s), but just ran through it. i kept telling myself, "running is therapy, run through your emotions". hell, i feel great now.

i'm hoping to to go out tonight (last thursday night at university!). i may have to stay in because of that idiotic girl, but let's hope not. regardless, friday and saturday are going to be pretty wild. to track my progress this week (i know the weekend is going to be rough), i weighted myself today, even though monday is technically my weigh in day. good news - was down to 147.0 lbs. i'm going to try really hard to manage my eating this weekend, even though it is my last weekend at university. game plan is the same as always: make smart choices.

should get back to work, as i still have to pass this stupid, effing report off to my lazy-ass group member.

weighty issues

after being 85% on plan all week, i was excited for my weigh in today. i literally leaped out of bed and onto the scale. and you know what i found there? 148.2 lbs. - a weight much higher than i was aiming for. sure, it's a loss of 0.6 lbs., and i know what they say, "a loss is a loss", but i don't feel good about that number at all. it's strange how a few pounds can make such a difference. whenever i'm over 147 lbs., i always feel uncomfortable in my body.

however, i realize there are probably several reasons for why i didn't see the scale move more: (1) i was sick for most of the week, so i was only able to squeeze in 2 workouts, (2) saturday night (enough said), and (3) haven't been eating enough protein. i know what i have to do this week. here's my plan of attack:

monday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
tuesday - yoga for 90 mins. (3 activity points), possibly gym (see what my friends are doing)
wednesday - day off
thursday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
friday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
saturday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
sunday - day off

now, this is going to be a lot of exercise and at times i'm going to hurt a lot. but i have to remember that there's a difference between discomfort and pain - push through the discomfort and stop when there's pain. if i pace myself i know i can do it. also, it's exams for us here at uni and since i only have 1 exam (in my easiest course, might i add), i'm sure i'll have the time to focus this much on exercise.

yesterday i went to the local yoga studio and signed up for the beginner's package - unlimited classes for 1 week for $20 cdn. aaamazing. the class i went to yesterday was called "hip hop yoga". kind of a weird concept - this special teacher comes in and all of the poses are done to late 90s rap. last summer i went to yoga about once a week at a studio close to my work. it was great, i really loved it. i'm glad that i'm getting back into it. thanks to pom for her post about yoga - it was the push i needed to get out there and get sweating.

but before i sign off, there's something i need to address: my insecurities surrounding weight post-bf. i've really noticed a difference in my thinking over the past 2 weeks or so. i've noticed my thoughts slowly becoming more and more weight focused. yes, to a certain extent this is because i'm slightly heavier than usual. but i also think a lot of it is due to my recent singleness. ah, i hate to say this, but at times i catch my inner voice repeating this awful line: "you have to be thinner for guys to like you." yes, it's that bad. i need to put a stop to it. recently i've found myself comparing my body to those of other girls' my age. at yoga, for example, i couldn't stop looking in that effing wall mirror at all of their tight bodies. i was jealous! actually! i also need to stop thinking that my new mission in life is to find another boy. after all (and i say this often to remind myself), i broke up with matt because i wanted to be my own person. these thoughts show me that i truly have to focus on myself - and i don't mean my looks. i have to focus on standing on my own two feet once and for all.

re-committment day

since my eating habits have been downright dirty for the past week or so, i hereby claim today as "re-committment day". yes friends, i mean serious business - no more post-bar food, no more hungover breakfasts, no more junk. i weighed in today and the scale showed a staggering 148.8 lbs. i haven't been this heavy since the day after christmas. it's time for some serious changes.

my goals for this week are:

1. exercise 5 times
2. use only 35 flex points --> disclaimer: can be used on alcohol
3. eat at home as much as possible
4. walk everywhere

here's what i've had to eat so far today:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

2/3 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (1.5)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/2 cup crushed tomatoes (0)
loads of veggies

1 yogurt, vector, and berry parfait (sold at school snack bar, nutrition info. found online) (4)

2 cups edamame (3)
10 pieces sushi (5.5)

that brings me to 22 points with 3 remaining. my roomie and i walked home from school, so that earned me 1 activity point. i also plan on going to the gym later today. if i'm able to make it, my goal is to earn 3 activity points. i haven't exercised since friday afternoon and i'm beginning to feel it in my muscles. isn't it strange how your body craves exercise after a while?

finally back!

after 10 days in europe, and possibly the 5 busiest days of the school year yet, i finally have my life organized again! phew. i get so antsy when my room is messy and when my fridge is empty. but today i knocked both cleaning and grocery shopping off of my todo list. way to go me!

well, i'm way overdue for a recap of the past 2 weeks, so here i go:

1. europe was phenomenal. one of the best trips i've ever been on. i went with my roomie and our mutual friend ash. although our flight out was delayed by 12 hours (grrr!), we arrived in glasgow, scotland safe and sound and partied there the first night. the next day we flew to paris (yes, paris! i was actually there!) and spent 4 days exploring the city. highlights from paris: drinking 2 euro bottles of wine, the louvre (greek and roman ruins, divinci, 15th and 16th painters), the mussee d'orsay (manet, monet, degras, van gogh), montemarte, and, of course, le tour eiffel (god, i'm so french!) oh, and did i mention the shopping? 2 dresses, 1 coat, and a few accessories. all in all, i did pretty well for myself! we then took a train to amsterdam where, as you may have guessed from my last post, we got out of this world high. here's a little tip for all of you travellers out there: when the woman who sells drugs for a living tells you to only eat 1/2 a space cake, do not, i repeat, do not, eat more than 1/2 a space cake. otherwise you'll end up like my friends and i: stoned for 24 hours plus. i kid you not. anyways, after 3 days in amsterdam (1 of which i have no recollection of... thanks, space cakes), we returned to paris for our last night and flew back to toronto the following day.

here are some pictures from our trip:

(entrance to the louvre)

(some sweet graffiti we found in montemarte)

(the real moulin rouge. it was slightly disappointing, actually. i thought the pink elephant from the movie was real!)

(my roomie and i (i'm in the dress!) checking out some bikes for rent. you can rent them for a few hours all over the city and then drop them off at another bike rack. pretty cool idea)

(downtown amsterdam)

2. as i mentioned previously, this week has been crazy busy. i got back on tuesday to a pile of work that i didn't even know i had. the jet lag didn't help things either. everything is all done now... thank god! my calendar is pretty open until the end of the semester when i have 1 exam. that's right, you heard me. 1 exam. i lucked out this year!
3. while i was away, i was really worried about my weight. i was very disappointed in myself to see how much it bothered me. i thought that i had let go of a lot of negative feelings when i got through my "too skinny" period a couple years back. but unfortunately they reared their ugly heads again while i was away. in retrospect, however, i had no cause for concern: i put on 2.1 pounds (tuesday morning weigh in), all of which i lost in 2 days (thursday morning weigh in). since i've been back, i haven't experienced any of those ugly emotions. i hope i can keep them at bay.
4. the project that was due the day i left turned out horribly. the project iself was alright, but our group dynamic went to complete shit. ah, well, except for the presentation we have to make in a couple of weeks, it's over. however, there was one good thing about the project: i learned a lot about managing people. i made tons of mistakes, as my group members did as well, but i truly believe that we are all the better for it. i hope i remember the lessons i learned from this experience when i start my new job in the fall!

wow, what a recap. and now on to what i've eaten today:

1/2 cup instant oatmeal (2.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)
1 coffee with 2 tbsp. 2% milk (0.5)

2 slices ww bread (1)
3 oz. turkey (2)
3/4 cup campbell's healthy request minestrone soup (1.5)
1 medium apple (1)

1 scoop whey powder (2)
1 small banana (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries (0.5)

1/2 cup amy's spicy vegetable chili (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 small baked sweet potato (1.5)
salad (0)
dressing made with 1 tsp. olive oil, 1 tbsp. dijon mustard, and lemon juice (1)

that leaves me with 2.5 points for the rest of the day. definitely doable.

i have yet to get in any exercise today, but i plan on going to the treadmill downstairs and walking inclines for about 40 minutes.

bonne voyage!!

lately my posts have been pretty negative, so my goal for today's post is to keep it positive. and i don't think it'll be hard to do because.... drumroll please... i'm going to europe tomorrow!! saweet!!

instead of doing the typical, "oh i'm in 4th year, let's go to an all inclusive resort in mexico and drink pina coladas and hook up with randoms/ex-boyfriends/friends/etc." for 7 days, my roomie, our good friend ash, and myself are heading over the pond to europe. we're flying to the uk tomorrow night, and then to paris on saturday. we plan on spending a few days in paris, and then training to amsterdam and possibly berlin. i've never been to paris, so on a scale of 1 to 10 for excitement, i'm pushing a 9.

in all of the stress and craziness that has been the past few weeks, i completely forgot about our trip. but the first thing that came to me this morning was a vision of my friends and i standing infront of the eiffel tower, with red berrets and dark lipstick, chain smoking, and drinking wine. god, sometimes i am just sooo "adult". i'll be sure to posts pics when i get back.

ok, so this next part is going to be a bit tricky, since i've promised to be positive in this post and when it comes to this issue, it can be incredibly hard for me to do so at times. i'm just going to bite the bullet and say it: today was weigh in, and i gained 2.3 pounds. i'm not going to scream, or curse, or pinch my belly to see if the fat is "really there". i'm going to accept it, move on, and continue making positive changes. i know why the scale went up this week: my emotions were out of sorts, and i ate to try to calm them. obviously, and as i should know by now, this didn't work. but that's a-ok, because today i'm miss. cheery and i refuse to: (1) feel guilty, (2) feel bad about myselfk, (3) overeat in an attempt to feel "better", and (4) look into the mirror and think about what i would look like if only i was a little thinner. no, not today.

here's what i've had to eat so far today:
1/2 cup oatmeal (2.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 small orange (0.5)
1 coffee with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)

1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1 cup frozen whole strawberries (0)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1/2 tbsp. light cream cheese (0.5)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)

1 cup gardenay squash soup (1.5)
1 ww wrap (1)
1/2 can tuna in water (1.5)
1/2 tbsp. light mayo (0.5)

1/2 cup Nature's Path flakes (0.5)
1/4 cup GoLean Crunch (1)
1/2 cup Almond Breeze (0.5)
1/4 cup frozen blueberries (0)

Dinner is tbd. going back home to toronto tonight to see the bf before i leave. i'm pretty excited. he's been such a great support during the past few days.

happy, happy day!

today has been sweet. i woke up around 9 am to my bf calling to wish me a happy 2 year anniversary and valentine's day. it's so nice waking up to someone telling you how much they love you and how beautiful they think you are. it was a great start to the day!

but then something truly wonderful happened. i stepped on the scale and i was down 2 pounds! that's right bitches, i'm back at 145 (where i was in the fall), and i'm pretty effing happy about it. so what did i do to celebrate? i went to the gym and got in a good 1 hour workout for a total of 4 activity points. i'm so healthy it hurts. after the gym i went out for sushi with my roomie and her mom. it was delicious. i could eat sushi forever. i used up a lot of points at lunch (8.5 to be exact), so i'm going to have to be extra careful for the rest of today.

also, today is my 5th day on track. wahoo! usually i break down and binge around day 3 or 4. don't get me wrong - i still have massive cravings - but the difference this time is that i haven't been giving into them. yesterday, for example, i could have eaten my weight in chocolate. to get my mind out of the gutter, i did everything i could think of to stay busy: made a nice dinner, cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed my bathroom, organized my closet, etc. and it worked. thank you jesus.

my menu for today:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
chai tea with 1/4 cup silk light (0.5)

1/3 cup uncooked oatmeal (1.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 green salad with dressing (1)
1 1/2 cups edamame (1.5)
8 small pieces tuna shushi (3)
8 small pieces salmon sushi (3)

1/2 scoop whey powder (1)
1/2 medium banana (1)
1 cup frozen strawberries (0)
1/2 cup silk light (0.5)

and, as always, dinner is tbd. i have lots of healthy foods in my fridge, so it should be a good one.

last week i regretted not doing enough work on wednesday and thursday. but yesterday i did nothing after i handed in my assignment. and today i've been too busy deciding whether or not i should go out tonight to do any work (my life is full of problems). looks like i should get down to work and stat. school can be so lame.

i'm a hungry monster

i have been super hungry all day. for whatever reason, i just want to eat and eat and eat some more. i think it's because yesterday i was off track and ate much more than i usually do. i always find the first day back on plan to be pretty difficult. i also seem to run into trouble around the third or fourth day of eating healthy. that just seems to be my time to snap. thank god for flex points. it's strange how eating more helps me control my binge eating. on second thought, i guess it makes sense. eat more = more energy = less cravings. hmmm... might have to dip into my flex points tonight.

so i wighted in today, and i was up to 147.1 lbs. not too bad, given that i ate a boatload of salt at dinner yesterday and my period is coming up (too much information?) haha, i guess you could say that i was proud of my 0.9 lb gain. i really think my goal for the rest of the semester should be to maintain my weight. i think focusing on lossing will just make me miserable: i'll either restrict myself too much, and get angry with myself for not enjoying my last few months here, or i'll give into my cravings, and be frustrated with myself for not sticking to my goals. so really, it's loose-loose. maintaining is the way for me right now.

i'm proud of myself for sticking to the goals i made last night. i had protein for breafast and i went to the gym with my roommate. i got in 35 minutes of intense cardio, but i didn't get in any weight training (my roommate drives me to the gym, so when it's time for her to go, it's time for me to go, too). oh well, tomorrow is another day.

this is what i've eaten so far today:
egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. sugar-free jam (0)
1/2 cup astro yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
chai tea (0)
1/4 cup silk light (0.5)

1 schoop whey protein (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 cup silk light (1)

1 medium baked sweet potato (2)
1/2 cup amy's tofu chili (2)
1/2 cup eden's pinto beans (1)
cucumber slices

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt(1)
1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
12 almonds (2)

i'm planning on having tuna lettuce wraps for dinner (3.5), with 1 cup campbell's gardenay squash soup (1.5). that leaves me with a few leftover points for snacks later tonight, as well as the 4 activity points i earned at the gym today.