well, hello again

i'm back. currently at my cottage in northern ontario, canada. my 2.5 month trip across the world has come to an end. since may, i've been to: hong kong; macau, china; australia's east coast (notable highlights include sydney, surfer's paradise, brisbane, noosa, whitsundays, and cairns); northern thailand; laos; vietnam; cambodia; and the thai islands. and now i'm at a loss for words. because my trip wasn't really about the places i visited - yes, they were all magnificant in their own right - but the things i learned about myself along the way. boy, did i learn a lot about yours truly. i'm in a very interesting place right now. i need more time on my own, to allow all of these tidbits of information to settle in. that's why i decided to leave the city immidiately after landing - i need time to reflect, absorb, move on.

one of my most vivid memories from my trip comes from early may, a few days after having arrived in australia. just outside of sydney there's a mountain range called the "blue mountains". i decided to make the 2 hour journey on the train to the mountains on my own. once there, i hiked the trails for about 6 hours - just me and my map. after having climbed to the bottom of one of the ridges, i remember sitting down on a bench and sobbing for about an hour. not about anything in particular - just that i was there, on my own, doing something completely for myself. it was a very powerful moment for me. it was as if i was flexing my independence for the first time since my (somewhat) recent breakup.

ah, my breakup. my breakup followed me everywhere. i thought about him everyday. countless times i wished that he was there with me. hell, i think i wrote him about 10 emails over the course of my time away. didn't send them, but i wrote them. i wanted to tell him everything i was doing, share my experiences with him, ask him for advice, .... but i knew i couldn't. reaching out to him at that time would have been the wrong thing to do - it would have unecessarily hurt both of us. our relationship is done, it's run its course. i knew i couldn't rely on him for support anymore. travelling taught me two somewhat contradictory things about my relationship with him: (1) that i still loved him and (2) that it would never work between us.

and yes, i did travel with mr. new zealand for about 2.5 weeks. it was great - we got along fabulously. but he hurt me - and as much as i want to make excuses for him, i know i can't. he cheated on his girlfriend with me and i feel miserable about it. i'm embarassed that i compromised my morals for someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings. yet, from mr. new zealand i learned that i need to be on my own. i remember looking at him once while he was asleep and thinking to myself, "this is wrong, i don't want this, not yet".

on the other side of the world

have to keep this post quick, as it's very late here in asia. yup, you heard me right - i'm in asia and have been for the past few days! posting will be very sporadic for the next 3 months, as i will be focusing on my travels as opposed to my eating.

emotional eating at its finiest

i'm having a really rough go of it food wise. i mean, a really rough go of it. i can't seem to stop stuffing my face with whatever is lying around the house - ice cream, chocolate chips, cookies, fresh bread, etc. and yes, it really is that bad! i'm very nervous for my trip and am eating to calm my nerves. being at home just makes it so easy to fall of the bandwagon! usually when i feel this way i talk to my mom or call a friend. but lately my mom and i have been on bad terms (which is only fuelling my food obsession) and i feel as though i can't call my friends because i don't want to draw attention to the fact that i'm going on this crazy trip. so what do i do? i just eat and eat and eat some more. i feel really horrible about myself right now.

i've been off track the past 3 days. i was so good today until after dinner, when i binged on left overs, ice cream, chooclate chips, and arrow root cookies. god, why do i do this to myself? i feel absolutely horrible right now. at least i went for a long run today (40 mins).

i think i'm going to try to talk to my mom about it. hopefully she'll understand. and i want to get back on track right now. not tomorrow, or the next day. right now. doesn't matter when i leave, i have to do this to feel better about myself right now.

i'm going to take down my tracker on the side - it upsets me to think that i wasn't able to follow through on my goals! one day at a time. one hour at a time. hell, one minute at a time if that's what it takes.

must calm these nerves...

first of all, quick update on the goals i set out for myself yesterday. was doing great until i found out the friend i was planning on tackling hong kong with is now leaving the city earlier than expected, giving me a day or two on my own. now, if this was australia, sure, ditch me at the last second. still being a dick, but i can get by. hong kong, however? that's more intimidating. anyways, when i found this news out i pretty much dove into the pail of chipits my mother keeps around the house for baking (one of the many joys of living at home). and no, didn't stop there - i just ate and ate and ate all night. probably the worse binge session i've had in over a year. so frustrating! but i know exactly why i did it: i'm getting nervous for my trip and am trying to comfort myself with chocolate and chips and pizza and... (yes, it was that bad) note to self: i'm still nervous and now i feel like a cow, too. great, just great.

yet, one positive thing did come out of this experience. i remembered that one of my friends from high school is in hong kong right now and sent her a quick email letting her know the situation. i just got an email back from her saying that she would be more than happy to show me around those days. thank you, buddha!

just finished the book "eat, pray, love" and have to say wasn't overly thrilled with it. i really enjoyed the chapter on india, and the chapter in italy was cute, but the last chapter just pissed me off. don't want to say too much here as to avoid giving away the ending, but i was not impressed. haha, guess i'm still a little bitter... (those of you who have read the book know what i'm talking about)

have, have, have to go to the gym today. i'm getting really lazy about it. and i've decided to change my "23 day challenge" to a "1 week to go!" challenge. 23 points a day is too low for me (as evidenced by my 3 day binge fest), so i'm going to aim for 24. will post my menu at the end of the day. i have to take this 1 day at a time right now - i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed!

back in toronto

the past few days have been a blur: had my last night out at university (actually this time), moved back home, cleaned and gutted my apartment, etc. not to mention all of the good byes! for someone who has been "ready" to leave university for the past few months, i got pretty emotional about it all. i was especially sad to leave my roommate and our mutual best-friend nem (code name). good thing my roommate is still my roommate, as we're moving out together in the fall again. i would miss her too much!

life at home has been, well, life at home. hung out with my new roommates tonight (by this i mean my mom and dad). wasn't all that bad - had my frist home-cooked meal in a long time! and my mom's a chef so you know it was delicious. mmm, got to love her fajitas!

slipped up on both monday and tuesday. ugh! i was doing really well on both days until about 9 pm. on monday i got super drunk, so of course all rational decision making went out the window. and yesterday i thought to myself, "you deserve a treat after these four years of hard work", so i ordered a cookie sundae for dessert when i went out to dinner with my mom and rooms. at least we shared it 3 ways! ahhh, still came home and had a mini feast on ice cream. god, i love ice cream.

anyways, back on track today. i've only had 16.5 points to eat so far today, and am wondering how i'm going to get to 23 in the next 3 hours. i wish i had this problem all of the time. i'm thinking of making myself a peanut butter and banana smoothie. two of my favorite things in the entire world blended until drinkable = phenomenal. also, i got in a great workout today - 30 mins running intervals at the gym (total of 3.25 miles) and 20 mins on the stationary bike. i walked up a storm shopping, but am not going to count that as activity. with 2 weeks until i leave, i mean business!

here's what i've had to eat today:

1 egg (2)
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
little of bit of lettuce and tomato (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup fresh raspberries --> another perk of being home is the fresh fruit (0)

6 pieces salmon sushi (3.5)
1 green salad with 1 tsp dressing (1)

1 grande iced coffee with 2 pumps sugar-free mocha syrup and splash of skim milk (0.5)
1 large apple (2)

3 oz. chicken (2.5)
1 tsp olive oil (1) --> my mom says that she only used 1 tsp for the entire thing, but she looked a little a shifty when she said it...
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
1/4 cup salsa (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total is 16.5 points. practically a miracle. i don't know how this happened. it's as if my body is saying, "stop eating you gluten you!" i don't know why it's not hungry. i'll forever remember today as "the day i just wasn't hungry". i doubt i'll ever have a day like today again. i'm perpetually hungry/wanting to eat.

anyways, enough about my crazy day. as already mentioned, i went shopping for some cute numbers for my trip. i would post pictures of what i bought, but can't seem to find any online. i got 3 light-weight jersey dresses: 1 royal blue, 1 bubble-gum pink, and 1 brown. the brown one is stunning, if i do say so myself. it's got all of this braided detailing... aaamazing. also picked up a cute high waisted skirt and a pair of shorts. ok, perhaps not the most practical things, but i need to look nice when i go out!

oh, and mr. new zealand sent me an email saying that he's booked and paid for all of his flights. crazy to think that he's actually coming with me for part of my trip! and to think that this is the same guy i meet all those weeks ago. hubba hubba, he is sooo dreamy (disclaimer: i do not, in fact, write for tween magazines, although i definitely have the vocab to). strange how the world works sometimes.

planning ahead

to prevent myself from going over daily points + activity points, i've decided to plan my menu for the rest of the day:

breakfast - total 3.5 points
1 scoop whey powder (2)
1/2 cup vanilla sogood soy milk (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
crushed ice (0)

snack 1 - total 2.5 points
1/4 cup skim milk (0.5) in coffee (0)
1 all bran bar (2)

lunch - max. 5 points
salad and protein of some variety --> most likely 3 points for protein, 1 point for topping, 1 point for dressing

snack 2 - total 3 points
1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

dinner - total 5 points
1 tsp. olive oil for cooking vegetables in (1)
3/4 cup whole wheat cooked pasta (2)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1/2 cup canned tomato sauce (1)

snack 3 - total 1 - 3 points
options: 1 orange (1), 1 bag smartpop popcorn (1), 1 carnation hot chocolate (1)

planned activity - running for 30 min. outside (4)

daily points total is 19 (no snack 3 options) - 22 points (all snack 3 options). will be going out tonight, but am not going to drink more than 3 light beers (5.5 - 6.5 points depending on the brand). mini goal for today is to stay away from the cereal!

in related news, i'm moving back to toronto on monday, so am busy packing up my life for the past 4 years. looks like i'm going to have to throw a lot of stuff out - there's no way i can take everything back to my parent's house. also, have been busy planning my trip through asia and oceania. i'm getting so pumped! mr. new zealand will be joining me for at least the last 2 weeks of it, which i'm very excited about. i guess those crazy kiwis have a break from school next week, so that's when we're going to finalize most of the details. however, i'm not going to get my hopes up about him - i'm going into this assuming that we're friends and nothing more. if something happens, great, but if nothing happens, that's great too. as i've mentioned in my past posts this trip is about me and no boy (no matter how funny, smart, or good-looking he is... ok, maybe i have a little crush) is going to get in my way. god, i feel like that line came straight out of a destiny's child song (can i get all the ladiesss who're independennnt to throw - their - hands - up - at - meee?!)

anxiety attacks

i couldn't sleep for the life of me last night. it was very strange - went to bed anxious and woke up feeling even more so. i wonder what's gotten me so worked up? couldn't be my exam (should be pretty straight-forward), or the projects i'm working on (making good progress on all of them). can't be body issues (feeling great today!) or lack of exercise (ran for 46 minutes last night - wahoo!). hmmm... ahhh, yes. my trip. my trip is freaking me out. instead of leaving on the 12th, as i had originally planned, i'm now leaving on the 8th. only cuts down prep time by about 4 days, but still feeling worried that i'm not going to get everything done in time! ok, breathe. this is ok. i'm making a to do list as soon as i finish this post.

yesterday started off kind of shitty/kind of good, got worse, and then got a lot better. allow me to explain: i woke up early yesterday to go for a run, but received an instant message from mr. new zealand just as i was stepping out the door. obviously i had to respond and we ended up chatting for about an hour (recap: good = talking to mr. new zealand, bad = no run). but midway through our convo, the unthinkable happened - my computer fell breaking my charger (recap: very bad = charger breaking when 3 papers are due from friday - monday). ugh, so i had to deal with that. next, i went to a group meeting, where i found out that one chick in my group was "too overwhelmed" to do her part, so i was given an extra 1,500 words to write for this morning (recap: very, very bad = working with people who don't pull their weight). thanks a lot, asshole. it's not like i have nothing else going on right now.

anyways, day got better when - get this - i went for the best run i can remember last night! as already mentioned, i ran a whopping 46 minutes. that's right, bitches - no stopping and lots of big hills. i'm a machine. i had planned to run for about 30 minutes (time it takes me to do roughly 5 km), but when i finished my loop i had this strange urge to keep going. so i did. and now i'm uber buff. don't know whose blog i read this on, but i remember someone saying that running is like therapy. let's just say that last night's run was one big therapy session - got pretty worked up about matt in the middle of it (guess that's what happens when you listen to alanis morisette circa the late 90s), but just ran through it. i kept telling myself, "running is therapy, run through your emotions". hell, i feel great now.

i'm hoping to to go out tonight (last thursday night at university!). i may have to stay in because of that idiotic girl, but let's hope not. regardless, friday and saturday are going to be pretty wild. to track my progress this week (i know the weekend is going to be rough), i weighted myself today, even though monday is technically my weigh in day. good news - was down to 147.0 lbs. i'm going to try really hard to manage my eating this weekend, even though it is my last weekend at university. game plan is the same as always: make smart choices.

should get back to work, as i still have to pass this stupid, effing report off to my lazy-ass group member.

spring has sprung

the weather is finally turning around here in canada. it was gorgeous outside today - moderate temperature, sunny skies, birds singing, etc. just beautiful out! warm weather puts me in such a great mood. the bleak winter weather had really been getting to me the past few weeks. but no more!

yesterday was my last day of class at university. end of an era, you might say. not i, though - just the start of the next one! school has been great, but i've grown out of it. i'm ready for a change. i'm really excited to start work (i know those of you with jobs may be rolling your eyes at this, haha). i can't wait to make some serious coin (even though it's not going to be that serious in the first few years), move back to toronto, and get a new place. london's been great - it's just a little too small for me. i'm a whole lotta woman for this one horse town!

ugh, and did i mention that i've been sick with bronchitis the past few days? i think it's from all of the stress i've been under the past few weeks, with the break up and all. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. well until last night, that is - i slept like a log for about 16 hours. i'm feeling much better now and even plan on going out tonight. god, i'm such a rebel!

eating has been 110% on track the past few days. since i do have bronchitis, i don't plan on drinking much tonight. i haven't been able to work out, but i did walk home from school today to get some exercise in (1 activity point). yesterday i was well under my points limit (i guess that happens when you sleep for 70% of the day). i find that when i'm under by more than a point or two one day i'm ravenous the next! today was no exception - i could have eaten anything that wasn't nailed down. but resist i did. here's what i've had to eat so far:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)
1 large orange (1)

1 cup campbell's garden minestrone soup (1)
3 tbsp. shredded cheese (1.5)
1 grande extra hot skinny vanilla latte (3) --> yes, i'm one of those annoying people who speaks "starbucks". might have something to do with the fact that my roomie worked there over the summer

1 fruit and yogurt parfait from school snack bar (4)

1 nutri-grain peanut bar (3)
1 source yogurt (1)

1 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (3)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
loads of veggies (0)

total is 23, with 2 to spare plus 1 activity point. that means i can have 1.5 drinks guilt-free and will be dipping into my flex to cover the rest (hopefully not too many more). my goal for tonight is not to go out for post-bar food.

today i booked my plane tickets to and from the south-pacific. very exciting! i leave on may 12th and don't plan on returning until july 10th.

daily wrap up

nothing too crazy to report today. just wanted to give a quick update on my healthy eating goals.

eating has been on track. i'm at 24.5 points and plan on heading to bed in the next hour or so (i.e., no late-night snacking). feeling pretty good about this, since i was so tempted to binge earlier today. here's my menu from today:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen blueberries (0.5)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

coffee with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 source yogurt (1)
1 all bran bar (2)

1 chicken pita pit salad (3)
3 tbsp. store-bought hummus (1.5)

tea with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 nutri-grain peanut bar (3)

2 small oranges (1)

2 cups edamame (3)
8 small pieces salmon sushi (3)
8 small pieces vegetable sushi (2.5)

unfortunately, wasn't able to get much exercise in (other than a few minutes walking here and there). i feel as though i'm coming down with a bit of a cold, so i plan on heading to the doc on campus tomorrow after class. hopefully i'll be feeling better so that (1) i can get some quality running in and (2) my posts won't be sooo lame.

oh! but before i forget, must give an update on my travel plans. looks like things with mr. new zealand are really heating up. we talked for about an hour last night and it sounds as though he's fully committed to backpacking with me for the last 3 weeks of my trip. wahoo!