well hello there, world. it's me, dbc - you may not recognize me as i've spent the past 2 weeks under a rock, also known as the downtown toronto tower in which i work. i've been working morning, noon, and night - and when i'm not working, i'm recuperating from working. take this weekend, for example. 2 all nighters (wed. +thurs.) does not for a fun weekend make. in fact, the past 2 nights i've been in bed by 11 pm. i'm so wiped i couldn't even make it through an entire session with my personal trainer yesterday. i feel like such a wimp!
i wish i could say that work is the worst of my problems right now, but it's not - this week i found out that my very dear great aunt has ovarian cancer. now, don't let her status as my "great aunt" confound you - having grown up without any grandparents, she is the closest thing i've ever had to a grandmother, and that is what i consider her to be. unfortunately for my family, ovarian cancer isn't the most, hmmm, how to put this, "humane" of cancers - very little can be done once it spreads. and spread it has. it's a silent killer - 1 one minute you think you're fine (no symptoms, no nothing), and the next wham! you find out if you've had it for about 2 years. needless to say, i plan on spending my day with her in the hospital.
due to the obscene hours i've been putting in at work i've fallen off the bandwagon hard - and i mean HARD. in fact, it's more like the bandwagon ran over me a few times (reverse, drive forward, reverse, drive forward, ... repeat times 80) ok, ok, perhaps i'm being slightly melodramatic. at last sunday's weigh in i was down to 146.5 lbs (loss of about 0.6), but i couldn't face the music today - thursday through last night were miserable with a capital m. what's frustrating is that i wasn't even working yesterday and up until dinner i was 110% on track. but then one treat led to another which led to 4 fudgeos (ahhh, the delights of still living at home), which led to about a cup of chocolate fudge crackle ice cream. the whole time i kept thinking to myself, "why the eff am i eating this? i'm not even hungry! in fact, i'm still full from yesterday's binge fest!" but ate i did and now i need to get the eff over it. when i eat like that (not that i ate tons of food, but i ate mindlessly - without control), i still get really upset with myself. so, how can i prevent this from happening again? well, i'll tell you:
1. consider the emotional consequences first. although it may taste great at the time, it's really not worth it after the fact.
2. find other stress releases! distract, distract, distract. sure, bingeing may make my problems "disappear" temporarily, but it really only adds another one to the list in the long run. realize that it's not a solution - it's a diversion, and a negative one at that.
my first goal for this week is not to be perfect in my healthy habits, but to improve upon last week - baby steps always.
something i've realized about myself through all of this (excessive work, lack of social life, family troubles) is that when i'm not happy i don't take care of myself. i let the things that are truly important to me slip, which only exacerbates my fears. i need to stop this vicious cycle before it truly spirals out of control. which brings me to my second goal for the week: focus on being happy or, when it comes to my great aunt, making the best of sh*tty circumstances.
one thing that makes me very happy: twilight premier next weekend!! edward, er, robert pattison, makes me feel like a 14-year-old school girl again and i absolutely love it. he is such a dreamboat... us single girls need our outlets ;)