boggled

wow, i really have no idea what to do about my relationship right now. i'm beginning to think that the only reason i leaped to make a decision was because of my friend in new zealand. sure, he was great, but will i realistically ever see him again? was he even that great? what if i do get the chance to know him and he turns out to be a complete and total asshole? but if it's not him, then who will it be? someone else could just as easily come along and sweep me off my feet, right? right? what if i don't take this opportunity to end things and get trapped in a relationship i don't want to be in and have to go through this entire process again? what then? and what if this is love? and what if he is the the person i should be with, despite all odds? what then? what if i'm making the biggest mistake of my life? is taking the road less travelled really all that great? our relationship is so safe, perhaps it's best to stay in my little safety net! i just don't know!

bottom line is i'm worried that i've disillusioned myself as to what life will be like without matt. and without ben. basically, what life will be like on my own.

and now it becomes so obvious: i'm scared shitless. yes, there's a part of me that wants to stay with him, but there's always that part of me which is going to wonder, "what if?" can i live with that feeling right now, for the long run? or do i have to satisfy my curiosity by exploring the unknown? at this point it seems as though any decision is better than no decision. so what do i do? i don't know. sure, it may be obvious to all of you out there in web-erland, but to me, this issue is just as murky as it was when i first decided to end things. nothing's set in stone, so then why should this decision be? does that even make any sense? these ramblings are just leading me in circles...

break ups never end

it's been 2 days and i can't seem to go through with it. i've tried twice: once on the phone (i backed out because i didn't want to break up with him on the phone) and the second time last night/this morning. when i said "i think we have to go our separate ways" he got so upset. i've never seen him like that before. it broke my heart. so we talked about putting this decision off until the summer when we won't be long-distance anymore. i agreed to this, even though i don't know if i should have. i mean, i love him so much, i don't want to hurt him, but at the same time i'm 21 and ready to live my own life. ugh! i hate this - no matter what i do i'll be letting one of us down. i told him that i have my doubts about this decision, and he said he understood. i just wish i had the courage to go through with it! ugh. i feel like emotional crap.

anyways, on the positive side, i came home and went for a run (40 mins. - go me!) and tracked my points for the first time in days. i feel really good about getting back on track. it'll be tough to stay on track while i'm going through this relationship hell, but i'm going to do my best. when everything else in my life is going to shit, i might as well keep my healthy habits up!

alright, so here's what i've had to eat today:

1/2 cup quaker 1-minute oats (3)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1/2 cup source yogurt with 1/2 cup frozen raspberries (1)
1 medium apple (1)

1 ww bagel (2)
1 hardboiled egg mixed with 1 tbsp. low-fat mayo (3)
spinach and 1 medium tomato (0.5)
1 100-calorie pack of cheetos (2)

1 40 min. run, 5 mins. of which was walking (-4)

that leaves me with 11.5 daily points, and 4 activity points (total of 15.5 points). totally manageable.

i'm at my parent's house in toronto now and plan on spending the rest of the day doing "feel good" things, like cooking and painting (little known fact about me is that i'm way into sketching, painting, and fashion design). maybe i'll even walk my dog. looks like this "non-breakup-breakup" is already making me a better person!

"love" or something like it

it's funny how someone you've only known for a few short days (and may never meet again) can have such a profound impact on your life. someone you never knew existed one day, but changes your life forever thereafter the next. i met someone like this over the weekend. his name is ben, and is from new zealand.

sure, at first you may think this post is overly dramatic. but for me in my current situation, it barely captures my emotional state. allow me to begin by telling you that i've been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years. we met when i was going through my "too skinny" phase and he was a great support as i was leaving it. he graduated at the end of my second year, and we have been pursuing a long distance relationship since then.

my boyfriend is a great guy - our relationship has been very positive. he's never not treated me well - never cheated, has always been devoted, etc. last march, however, we broke up for about a week. he ended it with me, and then asked to get back together about a week later. i agreed, but always doubted my decision to continue seeing him. how could i ever forgive the person who broke my heart? i don't know how, but somehow i managed to accept his mistake. it took a long time for me to regain trust in him. in fact, in retrospect, i don't think i ever really did.

since we got back together i have been questioning my relationship. there are so many people and places i want to see and i don't want to feel tied to any one person or place. and right now i do feel that way - to matt and to toronto. i want to be free to explore and discover the world! ben showed me how important it is that i do just this. our brief relationship showed me how much i was missing out. and a boyfriend show not deprive you of life experience. he should enhance them. right now i believe he is taking away more than he is giving.

i hate it that i'm going to break his heart and most likely mine in the process. but i know i have to end things with him. i don't feel guilty about ben (to be fair, nothing physical happened... it was more "emotional cheating" than "actual cheating"). i don't regret anything i did. i feel as though he was the push i needed to end my current relationship. i'm worried that i'm making a mistake, but i know deep down this is what i have to do. and if it is a mistake, so what? live and let live. i can never deny myself of my emotions. and i'm not going to start today.

so here i go - 6:30 pm is our call. i would rather end things with him in person, but he picked up on my tone last night on the phone and began to press me on it. i wasn't going to lie to him. it's interesting, though - i'm surprisingly calm. i hope it goes well. wish me luck!

i'm a busy bee

the past few days have been a whirlwind. while the bulk of my school work is over for the semeseter, i've been really busy organizing an event at school. my school hosts an international conference each year and this year i was responsible for communicating with all of the international delegates. quite the job when you have 60+ people coming from all over the world! anyway, it's my one involvement, so i want to do a good job. the conference starts tomorrow and lasts until sunday morning.

so here's the thing with the conference: it's really just an excuse to get drunk and hook up with foreigners (those of us with significant others, however, get to watch from the side lines and live vicariosuly through our single friends... hmmm, that actually sounds a tad creepy). booze is provided (yup, you heard me right, all you can drink free booze) and we get line bypass to all of the most popular bars from wednesday night until sunday morning. all in all, quite the social extravaganza. only thing is it's hiroshima for my waist line. ugh! i'm really worried about all of the drinking. because when i get drunk, my inner fattie bursts out and consumes everthing in sight. and by everything in sight, i mean it. last night, for example, my roomie and some friends went out and when i came home i went to town on a jar of peanut butter. seriously, i didn't even use a spoon.

for the past day or so i've been trying to think of strategies to avoid downing copious amounts of food. and i think i've found it: i'm going to be gentle with myself. that's its. no planned workouts, no pre-made meals, no nothing. i'm going to trust myself to make smart decisions. sure, if i have the time i'll try to squeeze in a run here and there. or if i can run home for a meal instead of eating ou i'll do it. but if i can't, i'm not going to let it ruin my day. i think the worst think i can do is let myself get into that whole "i feel so bad about eating that treat so i'm going to down this tub of m&ms" cycle. the competition is only 4 days long, and 4 days of eating less than perfectly is not going to kill me. it hasn't in the past, and it's not going to this week.

ok, so now that my little pep talk is over, a little review of what i've eaten today (please keep in mind that i was hungover as all hell and had 9:00 am class):

1/3 cup quaker oatmeal (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 small orange (0.5)

1 cup cantaloupe (1)
1 source yogurt (1) --> how much of a rip off is it that source yogurts are 35 calories and 1 effing point? aykarumba!
1 all bran bar (2)
1/4 cup skim milk in coffee (0.5)

1 pita pit salad with chicken (3) and
1/4 cup hummus (2)
30 pieces m&ms (estimating 4 points)

1 fruit and yogurt parfait (4)

1.5 cups edamame (2)
12 pieces sushi (5.5)

1 skinny tall latte (2)

1/2 cup golean! crunch cereal (1)
3/4 cup all bran flakes (1.5)
1 cup silk light (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total points = 34 --> 9 over daily amount of 25

ugh, this number doesn't make me too happy. oh well, all i can do is move on. here's my game plan for tomorrow:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. jam (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

1/2 can tuna drained (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
lettuce and vegetables (0)

1 medium apple (1)
1 cheesestring (1)

total =13.5 with 11.5 remaining. this should get me through the dinner and our first night out. also, my goal is to run for 30 mins. either tomorrow morning (depending on what time i get to bed) or at lunch.

snowstorm = life ruiner

ok, so perhaps "life ruiner" is a little extreme. but it's definitely ruining my saturday night!

my frustrations in list form:

1. bf was supposed to come visit me at school this weekend but was unable to do so. why? too much snow.
2. friends and i were supposed to go out tonight (while i was hesitant go out earlier today, cabin fever has made me do a 180 since then), but aren't anymore. also due to too much snow.
3. i had planned on going to american apparel to get some leather-like spandex, but was unable to leave my house because there was too much effing snow.
4. i want to eat my face off becasue (a) i'm lonely, (b) i have nothing else to do minus work (work doesn't count because i hate it), (c) i can't order movies through cable at my house at school, (d) i was really looking forward to buying new leggings, and (e) i hate snow.

um, yeah, so tonight sucks. ahhh well, i'll get through it. i just have to remember to find things to do besides eating. like... remembering that there are people in the world who have much bigger problems than a measley little snowstorm. i'm officially a horrible human being.

sometimes i count...

... foods that are 2 points as 1 point. take my (second) afternoon snack today: 1 apple and 1 cheesestring. now technically the cheesestring should be 2 points (60 calories, 4 gm. fat, 0 gm. fiber), but i think that's just too much for 1 measley stick of cheese. ok, i take that back. it's not a measley stick of cheese - after all, you can make some sweet hoola girls and furry things out of it. but still!

this brings me to my second weight watchers confession: i eat 2 more points each day than i should. everytime i do the quiz i add 2 points to my total. the extra 2 points makes the program that much more manageable for me. when i eat more on a regular basis, i tend to binge less. after all, my primary focus right now is handling my bingeing and not loosing the 10 or so extra pounds i'm carrying around.

onwards with the news. or my news, i should say. today started off great: got up, made french toast for breakfast, went to the gym, had a healthy lunch and afternoon snack. and then about an hour ago intense hunger hit. eff! i could eat a cow. i think part of my problem is the copious amount of snow that is currently being dumped on southern ontario. i can't see out of my window, let alone go for a walk, shopping, coffee. i literally can't leave my house! this is bad news bears for my growling stomach, as i find leaving my house the best way to get my mind off of eating. ugh!

my menu for today:

2 ww bread (1)
1 egg (2) --> notice how i counted this as 2 points. i swear i don't cheat all of the time!
2 tbsp. light maple syrup (1)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries (0)
1/2 cup soy milk (1/4 cup for french toast and 1/4 cup for coffee)

1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1/2 can of drained tuna (in water) (1.5)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
2 tbsp. balsamic vinegar (0)
lettuce and veggies (0)
1/4 cup soy milk (for tea)

1/2 scoop whey powder (1)
3/4 small banana (1)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1/2 cup soy milk (1)

1 medium apple (1)
1 cheesestring (1)

8 points remaining plus 4 activity points. 12 should do quite nicely for today.

dinenr is tba, but looking like white fish with sweet potato fries. i might even cave and make some pasta. pasta always fills me up!

some of my friends want to go out tonight, but right now i would rather stay at home and get caught up on work. i hate going out when it's blizzarding out. i spend about an hour getting ready only to end up looking like sasquatch upon my arrival. real cute.

finally back!

after 10 days in europe, and possibly the 5 busiest days of the school year yet, i finally have my life organized again! phew. i get so antsy when my room is messy and when my fridge is empty. but today i knocked both cleaning and grocery shopping off of my todo list. way to go me!

well, i'm way overdue for a recap of the past 2 weeks, so here i go:

1. europe was phenomenal. one of the best trips i've ever been on. i went with my roomie and our mutual friend ash. although our flight out was delayed by 12 hours (grrr!), we arrived in glasgow, scotland safe and sound and partied there the first night. the next day we flew to paris (yes, paris! i was actually there!) and spent 4 days exploring the city. highlights from paris: drinking 2 euro bottles of wine, the louvre (greek and roman ruins, divinci, 15th and 16th painters), the mussee d'orsay (manet, monet, degras, van gogh), montemarte, and, of course, le tour eiffel (god, i'm so french!) oh, and did i mention the shopping? 2 dresses, 1 coat, and a few accessories. all in all, i did pretty well for myself! we then took a train to amsterdam where, as you may have guessed from my last post, we got out of this world high. here's a little tip for all of you travellers out there: when the woman who sells drugs for a living tells you to only eat 1/2 a space cake, do not, i repeat, do not, eat more than 1/2 a space cake. otherwise you'll end up like my friends and i: stoned for 24 hours plus. i kid you not. anyways, after 3 days in amsterdam (1 of which i have no recollection of... thanks, space cakes), we returned to paris for our last night and flew back to toronto the following day.

here are some pictures from our trip:

(entrance to the louvre)

(some sweet graffiti we found in montemarte)

(the real moulin rouge. it was slightly disappointing, actually. i thought the pink elephant from the movie was real!)

(my roomie and i (i'm in the dress!) checking out some bikes for rent. you can rent them for a few hours all over the city and then drop them off at another bike rack. pretty cool idea)

(downtown amsterdam)

2. as i mentioned previously, this week has been crazy busy. i got back on tuesday to a pile of work that i didn't even know i had. the jet lag didn't help things either. everything is all done now... thank god! my calendar is pretty open until the end of the semester when i have 1 exam. that's right, you heard me. 1 exam. i lucked out this year!
3. while i was away, i was really worried about my weight. i was very disappointed in myself to see how much it bothered me. i thought that i had let go of a lot of negative feelings when i got through my "too skinny" period a couple years back. but unfortunately they reared their ugly heads again while i was away. in retrospect, however, i had no cause for concern: i put on 2.1 pounds (tuesday morning weigh in), all of which i lost in 2 days (thursday morning weigh in). since i've been back, i haven't experienced any of those ugly emotions. i hope i can keep them at bay.
4. the project that was due the day i left turned out horribly. the project iself was alright, but our group dynamic went to complete shit. ah, well, except for the presentation we have to make in a couple of weeks, it's over. however, there was one good thing about the project: i learned a lot about managing people. i made tons of mistakes, as my group members did as well, but i truly believe that we are all the better for it. i hope i remember the lessons i learned from this experience when i start my new job in the fall!

wow, what a recap. and now on to what i've eaten today:

1/2 cup instant oatmeal (2.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)
1 coffee with 2 tbsp. 2% milk (0.5)

2 slices ww bread (1)
3 oz. turkey (2)
3/4 cup campbell's healthy request minestrone soup (1.5)
1 medium apple (1)

1 scoop whey powder (2)
1 small banana (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries (0.5)

1/2 cup amy's spicy vegetable chili (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 small baked sweet potato (1.5)
salad (0)
dressing made with 1 tsp. olive oil, 1 tbsp. dijon mustard, and lemon juice (1)

that leaves me with 2.5 points for the rest of the day. definitely doable.

i have yet to get in any exercise today, but i plan on going to the treadmill downstairs and walking inclines for about 40 minutes.