i'm sick and tired of my own self-loathing. sure, i appear to be bright and cheerful on the outside, but there's always this little voice in my head saying, "oh no, don't eat that - it'll make you fat!" or "if only you were 5 lbs. thinner you would be so much happier." stop it! (yes, i realize that i did just yell at voices in my head... starting to feel like a bit of a loon). but i truly do want it to stop. i want to be feel comfortable and happy in my own skin. i want to stop putting myself down for having dessert once and while or only working out for 30 mins. when i needed to work out for 40 mins. to get that extra activity point.
when it comes down to it, i truly believe that i am happy with who i am - my person, my friends and family, my body. take today, for example. when i was lifting weights at the gym i felt so strong - i was proud of myself for what my body could do, not necessarily for how it looked doing it. these are the emotions i need to channel. and channel them i will!
that being said, i was hungover as all hell this morning, which resulted in a mini gorge on pancakes and chocolate chip cookies (president's choice "the decadent" cookies... all of you canadians out there know what i'm talking about). but, in the spirit of today's "i love me" theme, i am not going to feel bad about it. i made a choice and i'm moving on. ever since then i've been right on track - went to the gym and had a protein shake when i got home. i mean, could i have made healthier choices?!
ooo and interesting update on my friend from new zealand: he sent me a graduation card! how cute is that? looks like he's going to be joining me for one leg of my journey in june/july, as well. i'm pretty excited about it. we have a phone date coming up this week... i'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it!
i have a big weekend ahead of me, so i'm going to focus on making smart choices... and loving myself. yup, i'm going to be walking around as though i'm wearing one of those retro-chic "i heart ny" shirts, but instead of "ny" it says "me". that's right, uber dork here. but a dork that loves herself for who she is nonetheless!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
hello world!
i. feel. fabulous. today was the first morning i didn't wake up crying about matt. in fact, i didn't even really think about him until i wrote that sentence. i'm moving on. as jay-z would say "it's time for the next episode".
and time it is! i spent most of last night making plans for the summer. i'm about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life. i've decided to travel through asia with one of my friends for about 3 months. we're leaving for china around the 20th of april and don't plan on returning to canada until the end of july. our plan of attack is this: 3 weeks touring china; 3 weeks tbd (my friend is going to india, so i'm looking at meeting up with some other friends who will be in the area at the time); 1 month thailand, laos, combodia, and vietnam; 1 week thai islands; and then (hopefully) 3 weeks australia. so i know what you're probably thinking: damn, that's going to be expensive. and it will be - applying for a big ass loan is numero uno on today's to do list. slightly disappointed that australia didn't work out. however, my job requires me to travel quite a bit, so i plan on taking a 6-month transfer there in my first year or two of working.
also, i woke up today to a some super cute emails from a few of my friends back in toronto. they heard through the grapevine about what happened between matt and i over the weekend. wow - i've always known that i have great friends, but i was not expecting the amount of support that has been flooding in over the past few days.
yesterday i was completely on track with my eating (27 points - but earned 6 activity points so i had the extra 2 covered). i went for a run yesterday evening to release some tension and, to my surprise, i was able to run 40 mins. without stopping! i haven't been able to do that since last summer. shows that my fitness is improving. i'm practically an american gladiator.
going out tonight, so have to plan my day accordingly. my goal is to earn 4 activity points and to have 4 daily points left over for when i start drinking at the early hour of 7 pm. yup, tonight is going to be major. personally, i hope not to hook up with anyone. perhaps not the most pc goal, but it's true - i really don't want to rebound!
and time it is! i spent most of last night making plans for the summer. i'm about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life. i've decided to travel through asia with one of my friends for about 3 months. we're leaving for china around the 20th of april and don't plan on returning to canada until the end of july. our plan of attack is this: 3 weeks touring china; 3 weeks tbd (my friend is going to india, so i'm looking at meeting up with some other friends who will be in the area at the time); 1 month thailand, laos, combodia, and vietnam; 1 week thai islands; and then (hopefully) 3 weeks australia. so i know what you're probably thinking: damn, that's going to be expensive. and it will be - applying for a big ass loan is numero uno on today's to do list. slightly disappointed that australia didn't work out. however, my job requires me to travel quite a bit, so i plan on taking a 6-month transfer there in my first year or two of working.
also, i woke up today to a some super cute emails from a few of my friends back in toronto. they heard through the grapevine about what happened between matt and i over the weekend. wow - i've always known that i have great friends, but i was not expecting the amount of support that has been flooding in over the past few days.
yesterday i was completely on track with my eating (27 points - but earned 6 activity points so i had the extra 2 covered). i went for a run yesterday evening to release some tension and, to my surprise, i was able to run 40 mins. without stopping! i haven't been able to do that since last summer. shows that my fitness is improving. i'm practically an american gladiator.
going out tonight, so have to plan my day accordingly. my goal is to earn 4 activity points and to have 4 daily points left over for when i start drinking at the early hour of 7 pm. yup, tonight is going to be major. personally, i hope not to hook up with anyone. perhaps not the most pc goal, but it's true - i really don't want to rebound!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
i believe in horoscopes
check out my horoscope from this past saturday (the day matt and i officially called it quits):
"you've been trying hard to be what you imagine you ought to be rather than being who you are. respect is gained when people know you're true to your principles."
the past few days i've been thinking long and hard about why it didn't feel "right" with matt and i think my horoscope hits the nail on the head when it says that i was pretending to be something that i wasn't. matt's a great guy - as i've mentioned before - and for the past few years i've wanted him to be the guy for me. but in reality he wasn't, so i changed myself to be better suited to him and assumed that everything was a-ok. until i grew up a little more and realized that playing pretend is only fun for so long. i was sick of playing his girlfriend and am finally ready to be my own person. i'm officially boy free for the first time in 2.5 years and i couldn't be more excited to grow into myself. through all of this sadness i've learned a very valuable lesson: never compromise your own person to make someone else happy.
the past few days have been tough - i've definitely had my ups and downs - but my friends and family have been a great support to me. pretty sure i have plans every night for the next few days! exercise has also been a great stress relief. i've only taken one day off from working out in the past week (yesterday - we had a graduation dinner so i was short on time), which i'm very proud of myself for. it's reassuring to know that when the going gets tough, i get running! i've been venturing outside lately and the fresh air is definitely doing me some good. i even walked home from school today (about 35 min. walk) to clear my head. i'm really enjoying the time i'm taking for myself to think about everything that's been going on - even though most of my thought sessions often end in a blubbery phone call to my mom (god bless her little heart)!
while exercising has been great, my eating has seen better days. actually, it was just last night that my eating was off track. and by off track i mean completely derailed. i went to the keg with some friends for dinner, and let's just say that when you're half a bottle of wine in, there's no holding me back from that bread - mmm, keg bread is perhaps one of the best inventions of all time! eurydice just posted some motivating tips, so i'm thinking of printing them out and sticking them on my fridge. hey, a little inspiration never hurt anyone!
ooo and finally, new zealand boy is back and writing to me like it's his job (sweet! - sidenote: still considering myself boy free because he lives on the other side of the world), and it looks like i might be touring asia for the summer instead of settling in australia. it'll be interesting to see how my summer plans unfold over the next few days!
"you've been trying hard to be what you imagine you ought to be rather than being who you are. respect is gained when people know you're true to your principles."
the past few days i've been thinking long and hard about why it didn't feel "right" with matt and i think my horoscope hits the nail on the head when it says that i was pretending to be something that i wasn't. matt's a great guy - as i've mentioned before - and for the past few years i've wanted him to be the guy for me. but in reality he wasn't, so i changed myself to be better suited to him and assumed that everything was a-ok. until i grew up a little more and realized that playing pretend is only fun for so long. i was sick of playing his girlfriend and am finally ready to be my own person. i'm officially boy free for the first time in 2.5 years and i couldn't be more excited to grow into myself. through all of this sadness i've learned a very valuable lesson: never compromise your own person to make someone else happy.
the past few days have been tough - i've definitely had my ups and downs - but my friends and family have been a great support to me. pretty sure i have plans every night for the next few days! exercise has also been a great stress relief. i've only taken one day off from working out in the past week (yesterday - we had a graduation dinner so i was short on time), which i'm very proud of myself for. it's reassuring to know that when the going gets tough, i get running! i've been venturing outside lately and the fresh air is definitely doing me some good. i even walked home from school today (about 35 min. walk) to clear my head. i'm really enjoying the time i'm taking for myself to think about everything that's been going on - even though most of my thought sessions often end in a blubbery phone call to my mom (god bless her little heart)!
while exercising has been great, my eating has seen better days. actually, it was just last night that my eating was off track. and by off track i mean completely derailed. i went to the keg with some friends for dinner, and let's just say that when you're half a bottle of wine in, there's no holding me back from that bread - mmm, keg bread is perhaps one of the best inventions of all time! eurydice just posted some motivating tips, so i'm thinking of printing them out and sticking them on my fridge. hey, a little inspiration never hurt anyone!
ooo and finally, new zealand boy is back and writing to me like it's his job (sweet! - sidenote: still considering myself boy free because he lives on the other side of the world), and it looks like i might be touring asia for the summer instead of settling in australia. it'll be interesting to see how my summer plans unfold over the next few days!
Monday, March 24, 2008
this post is not about feeling sorry for myself
since i've been up to my elbows in feelings for the past few days, i'm going to dedicate this post to everything that is not relationship related. yup, you heard me. i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. disclaimer: this does not mean that i'm going to be miss. happy-go-lucky from here on out. i just need a break from all of my sadness!
today i've really been focusing on (1) school work (lame!), (2) eating well (1 point left for the day, but i know i can do it!), and (3) doing feel good things (redecorating my room, working out, cleaning, reading, etc.)
so let's start with school. it effing blows. i hate school right now. i have 2 weeks of class left but it feels like an eternity. i can't wait for summer! (see? no miss. happy-go-lucky here)
ok, now eating well. check! here's what i've had to eat today:
1 scoop whey powder (2)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup silk plain light (0.5)
1 nutri-grain bar sweet and salty bar (3) --> mmm! these are delicious. they don't fill me up in the least, but they taste sooo good!
1 pita pit falafel salad (3) with 1/4 cup store-bought hummus (2)
1 oz. chedder cheese (3) --> oh, i was so pissed when i put this into the tracker and out popped 3 points. i wanted to kill all things dairy.
1 medium apple (1)
1 1/2 cup edamame in shells (2)
12 pieces sushi (6 salmon and 6 avocado) (6.5)
mmm, sushi dinner is my favorite! even though i only have 1 point left for the day, i'm not too worried about it. i plan on going to the gym later today and getting in a major sweat session. my goal is to do 35 mins. on the elliptical trainer and any remaining time doing weights (here's a little inside info on my gym routine: for whatever reason i thought it was a great idea to buy a membership to the gym furthest away from my house this year. did i mention that i don't have a car? and that it's a 45 min. bus ride away? oh, and that the goodlife is only a 5 min. walk away? yup, i make good choices. anyways, i've turned into a raging car whore, fully dependent on my friends for rides to the gym. so i'm not really at liberty to ask my friends to stay longer when they're pooped or vice versa)
so working out brings me to number 3: feel good things. here's my plan of attack for the rest of the evening. you'll notice that there is no room for being sad in my plan. i'm saving sadness for tomorrow.
1. finish presentation for class tomorrow. ok, not really feel good, but must be done nonetheless. and i'll feel better when it's done - right now it's just looming over my head!
2. do laundry. because who doesn't feel great when their towels are clean?!
3. redecorate my room.
4. read! i'm in the middle of a great book right now called "the thirteenth tale". i also just bought "eat, pray, love" as per the recommendations of some of my fellow bloggers.
oh, but before i sign off, there are 2 things that are really peeving me right now (swear to god that's the first and last time i'll ever use the word "peeve"):
1. my friend from new zealand hasn't written me since saturday (to be fair i didn't respond until sunday night)! but still! agh, i know i didn't break up with matt for this guy, but a little male attention would be appreciated right now! especially safe male attention - it's hard to "actually" rebound (if you catch my drift...) when the guy you're supposedly rebounding with lives on the other side of the world.
2. i was hoping to go to australia this summer to work but there's a chance that none of my friends will be able to go with me. that would suck. i suppose i could always go on my own. oh well, i'm sure it will work out for the best in the long run!
today i've really been focusing on (1) school work (lame!), (2) eating well (1 point left for the day, but i know i can do it!), and (3) doing feel good things (redecorating my room, working out, cleaning, reading, etc.)
so let's start with school. it effing blows. i hate school right now. i have 2 weeks of class left but it feels like an eternity. i can't wait for summer! (see? no miss. happy-go-lucky here)
ok, now eating well. check! here's what i've had to eat today:
1 scoop whey powder (2)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup silk plain light (0.5)
1 nutri-grain bar sweet and salty bar (3) --> mmm! these are delicious. they don't fill me up in the least, but they taste sooo good!
1 pita pit falafel salad (3) with 1/4 cup store-bought hummus (2)
1 oz. chedder cheese (3) --> oh, i was so pissed when i put this into the tracker and out popped 3 points. i wanted to kill all things dairy.
1 medium apple (1)
1 1/2 cup edamame in shells (2)
12 pieces sushi (6 salmon and 6 avocado) (6.5)
mmm, sushi dinner is my favorite! even though i only have 1 point left for the day, i'm not too worried about it. i plan on going to the gym later today and getting in a major sweat session. my goal is to do 35 mins. on the elliptical trainer and any remaining time doing weights (here's a little inside info on my gym routine: for whatever reason i thought it was a great idea to buy a membership to the gym furthest away from my house this year. did i mention that i don't have a car? and that it's a 45 min. bus ride away? oh, and that the goodlife is only a 5 min. walk away? yup, i make good choices. anyways, i've turned into a raging car whore, fully dependent on my friends for rides to the gym. so i'm not really at liberty to ask my friends to stay longer when they're pooped or vice versa)
so working out brings me to number 3: feel good things. here's my plan of attack for the rest of the evening. you'll notice that there is no room for being sad in my plan. i'm saving sadness for tomorrow.
1. finish presentation for class tomorrow. ok, not really feel good, but must be done nonetheless. and i'll feel better when it's done - right now it's just looming over my head!
2. do laundry. because who doesn't feel great when their towels are clean?!
3. redecorate my room.
4. read! i'm in the middle of a great book right now called "the thirteenth tale". i also just bought "eat, pray, love" as per the recommendations of some of my fellow bloggers.
oh, but before i sign off, there are 2 things that are really peeving me right now (swear to god that's the first and last time i'll ever use the word "peeve"):
1. my friend from new zealand hasn't written me since saturday (to be fair i didn't respond until sunday night)! but still! agh, i know i didn't break up with matt for this guy, but a little male attention would be appreciated right now! especially safe male attention - it's hard to "actually" rebound (if you catch my drift...) when the guy you're supposedly rebounding with lives on the other side of the world.
2. i was hoping to go to australia this summer to work but there's a chance that none of my friends will be able to go with me. that would suck. i suppose i could always go on my own. oh well, i'm sure it will work out for the best in the long run!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
i had rabbit for lunch
easter update: i just ate an entire chocolate bunny in one sitting. maybe i'll start focusing on that whole "being healthy" thing right now.
personal drama update: i've spoken with some friends and am feeling better and better about my decision by the minute. break ups suck, but i'll get through it. besides, australia is getting closer by the minute...
personal drama update: i've spoken with some friends and am feeling better and better about my decision by the minute. break ups suck, but i'll get through it. besides, australia is getting closer by the minute...
moving on and being strong
* note: how sweet is the title of this post? i just had to point it out!
alright, so i know i only posted just over an hour ago, but i've been doing a lot of thinking in the past hour, and thought that i might as well write down my thoughts as a reminder of all of the "good" that is going to come out of this breakup. so, without further adieu, my thoughts in list form:
1. my last few posts have been downright depressing. i mean, if you didn't know me and had read them you probably would have thought that i was queen emo and that matt = pete wentz and i = ashely simpson. so not the case. as tough as this breakup is, it is the right thing to do. on the surface i feel shitty about it - i hate that i hurt him and i hate even more that i still do love him. but deep down, in my heart of hearts, i know i had to move on. it wasn't right.
2. i'm really effing proud of myself right now. it takes a lot of courage to do what i did, and as much it sucks right now, i think it says a lot about my personal strength. hey, bad things happen. people change. and instead of running from those changes or merely accepting them, i adapted to them. good on me!
3. one of the reasons i did break up with matt was to "stand on my own 2 feet" (and i quote). and that's exactly what i'm going to do. i want to get to know the real me and have some time of grow on my own. for the past 2 years i have been growing with someone - yes, someone amazing and someone who loved, and perhaps still does love, me very much - but with someone nonetheless. i've just entered into my 20s and i'm just about to leave school. it's time for me to be my own person, to discover what the world has to offer me as a single entity.
4. i'm thinking about moving to australia for the summer and getting a job working as a waitress or bartender there. this may seem like i'm running from my problems, but this is one of the reasons i ended things with matt (see numero 3). thinking about opportunities such as these gives me hope and reassures me that i've made the right decision. the world is my oyster; there is nothing tying me down.
5. there will be other new zealand friends and i don't want to miss out on them. in a way my friend came about at the opportune time - i think if i had stayed with matt during the summer it would have been so much harder for me to end things with him. in fact, i don't think i would have. he was the push i needed. i hope that one day i meet another ben from down under and that when i do i can truly explore everything he has to offer me.
6. if we are truly meant to be together i have faith that we will be. it might not be now, it might not be a month from now or even in a year, but if it's in the stars then we will find our way to each other. i have to believe this. hey, who knows, maybe i'll turn out to be toronto's carrie bradshaw and matt will be my very own mr. big and this blog will be my "sex in the city" column and... i'm stopping now.
so now that i've addressed the moving on aspect of this post, allow me to be strong for a few moments. here are the hardest things about this breakup:
1. he waited for me. we went through 2 years of long distance and the whole time he waited for me. there's a part of me that feels as though i owe it to him to spend this summer with him. but i can't feel obliged to be in a relationship. i have to be in a relationship for me, and not for the other person.
2. i can't get the vision of him standing there in front of me, tears falling down his face, asking me to stay, asking me to rethink everything, asking me to be something i'm not, out of my head (wow - talk about a run on sentence). i don't know if i'll ever be able to get this vision out of my head. it kills me to think about it. ugh. no amount "reasoning" will help me with this one.
3. he fought so hard for me. he did everything he could, and it just wasn't enough. and now he's probably thinking that all of his efforts have gone to waste. i hope one day he realizes that this isn't the case at all - the last few days have been wonderful. oh god, i feel terrible.
4. he used to look at me like i was the center of his universe. when i left last night, he just looked broken.
oh right, i totally forgot that the purpose of this blog is to help me deal with my emotional eating. well let's just say i've been calming myself with hoards of chocolate and white carbs. i'm going to let it be today, but tomorrow i'm back on track. i need a diversion from all of this "woah is me" crap anyways.
alright, so i know i only posted just over an hour ago, but i've been doing a lot of thinking in the past hour, and thought that i might as well write down my thoughts as a reminder of all of the "good" that is going to come out of this breakup. so, without further adieu, my thoughts in list form:
1. my last few posts have been downright depressing. i mean, if you didn't know me and had read them you probably would have thought that i was queen emo and that matt = pete wentz and i = ashely simpson. so not the case. as tough as this breakup is, it is the right thing to do. on the surface i feel shitty about it - i hate that i hurt him and i hate even more that i still do love him. but deep down, in my heart of hearts, i know i had to move on. it wasn't right.
2. i'm really effing proud of myself right now. it takes a lot of courage to do what i did, and as much it sucks right now, i think it says a lot about my personal strength. hey, bad things happen. people change. and instead of running from those changes or merely accepting them, i adapted to them. good on me!
3. one of the reasons i did break up with matt was to "stand on my own 2 feet" (and i quote). and that's exactly what i'm going to do. i want to get to know the real me and have some time of grow on my own. for the past 2 years i have been growing with someone - yes, someone amazing and someone who loved, and perhaps still does love, me very much - but with someone nonetheless. i've just entered into my 20s and i'm just about to leave school. it's time for me to be my own person, to discover what the world has to offer me as a single entity.
4. i'm thinking about moving to australia for the summer and getting a job working as a waitress or bartender there. this may seem like i'm running from my problems, but this is one of the reasons i ended things with matt (see numero 3). thinking about opportunities such as these gives me hope and reassures me that i've made the right decision. the world is my oyster; there is nothing tying me down.
5. there will be other new zealand friends and i don't want to miss out on them. in a way my friend came about at the opportune time - i think if i had stayed with matt during the summer it would have been so much harder for me to end things with him. in fact, i don't think i would have. he was the push i needed. i hope that one day i meet another ben from down under and that when i do i can truly explore everything he has to offer me.
6. if we are truly meant to be together i have faith that we will be. it might not be now, it might not be a month from now or even in a year, but if it's in the stars then we will find our way to each other. i have to believe this. hey, who knows, maybe i'll turn out to be toronto's carrie bradshaw and matt will be my very own mr. big and this blog will be my "sex in the city" column and... i'm stopping now.
so now that i've addressed the moving on aspect of this post, allow me to be strong for a few moments. here are the hardest things about this breakup:
1. he waited for me. we went through 2 years of long distance and the whole time he waited for me. there's a part of me that feels as though i owe it to him to spend this summer with him. but i can't feel obliged to be in a relationship. i have to be in a relationship for me, and not for the other person.
2. i can't get the vision of him standing there in front of me, tears falling down his face, asking me to stay, asking me to rethink everything, asking me to be something i'm not, out of my head (wow - talk about a run on sentence). i don't know if i'll ever be able to get this vision out of my head. it kills me to think about it. ugh. no amount "reasoning" will help me with this one.
3. he fought so hard for me. he did everything he could, and it just wasn't enough. and now he's probably thinking that all of his efforts have gone to waste. i hope one day he realizes that this isn't the case at all - the last few days have been wonderful. oh god, i feel terrible.
4. he used to look at me like i was the center of his universe. when i left last night, he just looked broken.
oh right, i totally forgot that the purpose of this blog is to help me deal with my emotional eating. well let's just say i've been calming myself with hoards of chocolate and white carbs. i'm going to let it be today, but tomorrow i'm back on track. i need a diversion from all of this "woah is me" crap anyways.
day 1 sans bf
matt and i broke up last night. i haven't been able to stop crying since! even though i broke up with him, i feel horrible about it. he was devastated. and i can't believe i did that to him. ugh, as much as i want to go back there and hold him, i know that i can't. this sucks major balls.
i know i made the right decision, but going through with it is going to be so hard. i don't want to be with anyone else - i won't be rebounding anytime soon. and that's probably for the best anyways. the purpose of this break up is not to end things with one boy and go running into the arms of another.
i hate myself so much for hurting him like that. i don't ever want to do that to someone again! i absolutely hate myself for it. i realize that what i did wasn't wrong, but i can't stop feeling tremendous amounts of guilt. ahhh! i just wish i wanted to be with him still.
i have this sinking feeling in my stomach - i hope it's not regret. i'm slightly worried it is. ugh. this past week has been so hard on me. i just wish times would start getting easier - and fast!
the worst part about this is that i still do love him - and that's what's making letting go so fucking difficult (pardon my french). it just wasn't right. jesus! i hate this, i hate this, i hate this.
well, as a pseudo-catholic (meaning i was rasied catholic but don't really believe in the insituation of the church), and in light of easter, i might as well view this as a re-birth. sure, this is the end of one chapter in my life, but at the same time the beginning of another.
i know i made the right decision, but going through with it is going to be so hard. i don't want to be with anyone else - i won't be rebounding anytime soon. and that's probably for the best anyways. the purpose of this break up is not to end things with one boy and go running into the arms of another.
i hate myself so much for hurting him like that. i don't ever want to do that to someone again! i absolutely hate myself for it. i realize that what i did wasn't wrong, but i can't stop feeling tremendous amounts of guilt. ahhh! i just wish i wanted to be with him still.
i have this sinking feeling in my stomach - i hope it's not regret. i'm slightly worried it is. ugh. this past week has been so hard on me. i just wish times would start getting easier - and fast!
the worst part about this is that i still do love him - and that's what's making letting go so fucking difficult (pardon my french). it just wasn't right. jesus! i hate this, i hate this, i hate this.
well, as a pseudo-catholic (meaning i was rasied catholic but don't really believe in the insituation of the church), and in light of easter, i might as well view this as a re-birth. sure, this is the end of one chapter in my life, but at the same time the beginning of another.
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