death by chocolate

a quickie

2008-11-20T21:55:00.003-05:00

1. i binged today. although not huge. it was a 2 out of 10, or a fender bender if you will. hopefully my fender won't be bending outwards anytime soon. does that make sense? whatever. i had: 1 medium sugar-free yogen fruz with raspberries and blueberries (leave it to me to cave into my ice cream craving on 1 of the coldest days of the year), 2 cups grapes, 2 clementimes, and 12 Quality Street chocolates. to note: this did take place over the course of 3 hours, in the midst of which i made the 50 minute walk home from my friend's pad. also to note: friend is female. i am still very much alone in this winter wonderland.

2. 10 points left until sunday. cocktail party after work tmrw. one of my best friend's birthdays on saturday. twilight tickets for sunday. can i do it? why, yes i can! plan of attack: earn 3 activity points at tomorrow's workout to cover 1 glass of wine at cocktail part; earn 5 activity points on saturday via heavy-duty cardio to allow for 6 drinks at night (total 12 points - have to leave some room for a snack somewhere along the way); and, smartpop-it on sunday (besides, i'll be too busy drooling during the movie to eat).

3. i'm jealous of my friends with boyfriends. when it's winter, all i want is a boyfriend. and not just because my birthday and xmas fall within 2 weeks of each other (ca-ching, ca-ching! ahhh jeeze, givemeabreak - i'm kidding!), but because when it's cold outside, and i'm cold inside (dbc factoid of the day: i have poor circulation, which means i'm shivering even when it's sweltering out), all i want to do is snuggle up with someone by a fireplace and drink cocoa. not that this ever happened in my last relationship, or the 1 before that, or... ever really. but when i DO meet the perfect guy... well, you now know what we'll be doing when it's blizzzarding out. and it will be magical. and 150% non-sexual ;) because that's what perfect people in perfect relationships do right? right? no? you mean their virgins? stopping now...

4. i'm still being slammed by work.

5. my aunt is doing better - fingers crossed!! i. love. you. healthy thoughts your way.

6. my sugar high from 1,789,578,234 candies i had is starting to wear off and now i have a headache. owie!

another day, another post

2008-11-16T10:07:00.006-05:00

well hello there, world. it's me, dbc - you may not recognize me as i've spent the past 2 weeks under a rock, also known as the downtown toronto tower in which i work. i've been working morning, noon, and night - and when i'm not working, i'm recuperating from working. take this weekend, for example. 2 all nighters (wed. +thurs.) does not for a fun weekend make. in fact, the past 2 nights i've been in bed by 11 pm. i'm so wiped i couldn't even make it through an entire session with my personal trainer yesterday. i feel like such a wimp!

i wish i could say that work is the worst of my problems right now, but it's not - this week i found out that my very dear great aunt has ovarian cancer. now, don't let her status as my "great aunt" confound you - having grown up without any grandparents, she is the closest thing i've ever had to a grandmother, and that is what i consider her to be. unfortunately for my family, ovarian cancer isn't the most, hmmm, how to put this, "humane" of cancers - very little can be done once it spreads. and spread it has. it's a silent killer - 1 one minute you think you're fine (no symptoms, no nothing), and the next wham! you find out if you've had it for about 2 years. needless to say, i plan on spending my day with her in the hospital.

due to the obscene hours i've been putting in at work i've fallen off the bandwagon hard - and i mean HARD. in fact, it's more like the bandwagon ran over me a few times (reverse, drive forward, reverse, drive forward, ... repeat times 80) ok, ok, perhaps i'm being slightly melodramatic. at last sunday's weigh in i was down to 146.5 lbs (loss of about 0.6), but i couldn't face the music today - thursday through last night were miserable with a capital m. what's frustrating is that i wasn't even working yesterday and up until dinner i was 110% on track. but then one treat led to another which led to 4 fudgeos (ahhh, the delights of still living at home), which led to about a cup of chocolate fudge crackle ice cream. the whole time i kept thinking to myself, "why the eff am i eating this? i'm not even hungry! in fact, i'm still full from yesterday's binge fest!" but ate i did and now i need to get the eff over it. when i eat like that (not that i ate tons of food, but i ate mindlessly - without control), i still get really upset with myself. so, how can i prevent this from happening again? well, i'll tell you:

1. consider the emotional consequences first. although it may taste great at the time, it's really not worth it after the fact.
2. find other stress releases! distract, distract, distract. sure, bingeing may make my problems "disappear" temporarily, but it really only adds another one to the list in the long run. realize that it's not a solution - it's a diversion, and a negative one at that.

my first goal for this week is not to be perfect in my healthy habits, but to improve upon last week - baby steps always.

something i've realized about myself through all of this (excessive work, lack of social life, family troubles) is that when i'm not happy i don't take care of myself. i let the things that are truly important to me slip, which only exacerbates my fears. i need to stop this vicious cycle before it truly spirals out of control. which brings me to my second goal for the week: focus on being happy or, when it comes to my great aunt, making the best of sh*tty circumstances.

one thing that makes me very happy: twilight premier next weekend!! edward, er, robert pattison, makes me feel like a 14-year-old school girl again and i absolutely love it. he is such a dreamboat... us single girls need our outlets ;)

november challenge

2008-11-02T19:47:00.006-05:00

unfortunately don't have time for a well thought-out post today, as i'm just sitting down to watch gossip girl, a.k.a. queen b slay her interview at yale with s. anyways, since i now spend my days making "sick decks", i will now proceed to itemize the major going ons in my life over the past 2 months:

1. attended new york fashion week in september. naturally, it was incredible. had the best time attending the shows, going for dinner at fancy restaurants, partying in the rainbow room, ... aaamazing.
2. saw my ex-bf with his new gf out on the town. oh, and did i mention the new girl works with him? and that he recruited her to work with him last winter, when were still very much together? well now you know. that was a tough week or two.
3. started my new job in early october. it's amazing! i love the people, the projects, the atmosphere, everything. it's great. just great. i'm very happy there.

and now onto the topic at hand, my november challenge. see, the thing is i was hugely successful with dropping weight until about thanksgiving weekend. then i was at my lowest weight in years at 145.8 lbs (please keep in mind that my scale weighs about 3 lbs heavy - i use it for reference more than anything). last sunday i was 147.1 lbs. this weekend, however, was a total and complete disaster. i want to get back on track, working towards my ultimate goal of 135 lbs. the following is my strategy for doing just that:

eating
24 points per day, 35 flex points per week. focus on core foods, and avoid eating processed foods and aspartame as much as possible. keep sodium to a minimum - i.e., sushi once per week, few soups, no popcorn (even if it is smartpop), etc. save flex points for social engagements.

exercise
aim to workout 5 times per week, ideally 3 times during the week and twice on weekends. meet with personal trainer every thursday morning before work. and always stretch! not stretching after working out equals more pain and less calories burned.

sleeping
aim for 7 hours per night. in bed by 10:30 pm to wake up at 5:30 am.

emotional
no binge eating. do not manage work-related stresses with food. come home, relax, clean, shop, blog, whatever. just don't eat. and as for that whole new boy situation? remember that eating because you're happy is still emotional eating. you got that?

one day at a time

2008-08-30T16:11:00.008-04:00

that's how i'm taking this whole "weight watchers" thing right now: focusing on each day as a separate entity, making smart decisions, going to the gym bright and early when i'd rather beat the living crap out of my alarm clock, ... except for today. today i'm choosing to give myself a break. actually, my body is demanding that i give myself a break. now, this may have something to do with one, or some combination of, the following: (1) i drank my face off last night (as a self-proclaimed light weight, this loosely translates to a bottle of wine and a vodka redbull or 2), (2) i chain smoked 1/2 a pack of cigarettes (this, in turn, may have something do with the fact that my current crush is a part-time chimney - funny how these things work, isn't it?), (3) i only got 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (and why yes, this may also have something to do with my crush du jour), and/or (4) i'm in the midst of re-watching the entire 1st season of sex and the city (episode 9 here i come!) but then again, maybe my body is just too spent from the hour-long yoga class i went to yesterday. good luck, sherlock - some mysteries are never meant to be solved.

excuse me, for i digress.

for today's post is not about the amazingly awesome, super-great night i had last night, but rather, about the little decisions i made during the day that allowed last night to happen. allow me to explain. yesterday's weigh in was downright depressing - up 1.5 lbs after being 100% on track all week. i consumed minimal alcohol (no more than 1/2 a pitcher), exercised 4 days of 7 (including 1 weight training session), only ate about 1/2 of my activity points, and even had 10 flex points left over when all was said and done. i've never not had a loss when i've followed the program so closely before. and i was so looking forward to a loss - i was sure that this week i was going to make it to the 5 lb mark. but alas, set backs happen, and as much as i wanted to drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream at 7 am, i didn't. nor did i punish myself by staying in at night. after all, my theme for the season is balance. so i made decisions that allowed to accomplish just this: i ate well all day (below daily points and mostly core foods), i went to the yoga class i had been pushing off, i took my dog for a 1 hour walk, and i planned my night (what i was going to drink, eat, etc.). and it worked! i had a fabulous night (have i mentioned this already?) and was able to stay well under my points allowance (still have about 15 flex points left for the rest of the week). by forgiving myself and moving forward i was able to prevent that downwards, binge-eating spiral that mini setbacks, such as yesterday's scale mishap, have been known to throw me into in the past. me: 1 vs. emotional eating: 0.

i'm already applying this lesson to today's conundrum: to work our or not to work out. 6 months ago i would have been frustrated with myself for being too hungover and weak-lunged to go to the gym (i'm not a true smoker, but one of those poser, social-smokers true smokers hate - so i don't fully inhale every time, so sue me!) but not now, not today. my eating is on track, and that alone is practically a miracle after a night of heaving drinking. so i'm going to let today's workout go and choose to focus on the other great things i'm doing for my body instead.

weight watchers update

2008-08-28T12:07:00.009-04:00

you know what's great? exercise. i had one of my best workouts (dare i say it?) ever last night. not only was i able to push myself harder, faster, stronger (ok, ok, so i stole that line from kanye, who stole if from daft punk, who stole it from... um, illegal substances?), i had a great time doing it. my initial plan was to run intervals for 25 minutes and complete 2 circuits of my weight training program. however, i was feeling so great after my first two intervals on the treadmill i decided to up the ante by increasing incline and resistance. but even that didn't feel like enough of a challenge for me, so back to the settings feature i went - to once again increase the difficulty of my workout. my run ended up lasting for 35 minutes (4 activity points). i run for runs like the one i had last night - i crave the physical and emotional strength that comes from long, hard workouts. anyways, after my run i stayed on the treadmill for another 15 minutes (1 activity point), walking steep inclines as i listened to bill clinton's speech at the democratic convention (interesting fact about yours truly: i'm really into politics - i did minor in if after all!)

when i returned from my trip in july i weighed in at about 157 lbs. while this really upset me at the time, in retrospect it was a small price to play for the many adventures i had overseas - the exotic foods i tried (alright, so maybe the meat pies i had in australia weren't crazy exotic, but nothing cures a "pure blonde" hangover like minced meat wrapped in layer upon layer of puff pastry with... aaand now i'm drooling at my desk), the people i met over drinks, the 20 + hour airplane rides, ... i tried sparkpeople.com for a few weeks, but found the program to be too restrictive, so i went back to the tried and true - weight watchers online. i rejoined on august 1st, weighing in at 154.5 lbs. since august 1st, i've lost about 3.1 lbs. tomorrow is my weigh in day and i'm hoping to be down another 3 lbs to bring my total loss for the month of august to just over 5 lbs. keep your fingers crossed for me!

during the school year i had zero success loosing weight. while i was able to maintain for the bulk of it, i packed on a few extra pounds in the spring (it being my last few months of undergrad, i was no stranger to the bar scene... on any night of the week). i finished the school year about 5 lbs heavier than when i started it. so why, you may be asking, am i back on a program that didn't "work" for me the first time? because in many ways i believe that ww did work for me - if i hadn't been on it, i truly believe that my 4th year gain would have been much, much higher. this time i'm in an entirely different place, both physically and mentally, and am fully committed to achieving my goal weight of 135 lbs. i no longer feel the need to get out of my mind drunk 5 nights/week, to grab post-bar food, to smoke myself into oblivion. i finally want to learn how to balance my social life with my health and fitness goals. and that, blog world friends, is my current focus. it is my theme of the moment, my color for fall.

my menu for today:

breakfast
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup fresh blueberries (0.5)
2 slices ww toast (1)
1 tbsp. pc blue menu jam (0)
1/2 cup egg whites (1.5)
1/4 cup skim milk in large coffee (0.5)

snack 1
1 kashi cherry chocolate granola bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

lunch
1 ww wrap (1)
3 oz. deli-sliced turkey (2)
1 tbsp. light cream cheese (1)
1/2 cup lettuce (0)
tons of cut-up veggies (0)

snack 2
1 hg's grab and go breakfast cookies --> found this delicious, and i mean delicious, recipe online at www.hungry-girl.com
1/4 cup low-fat milk (0.5)
1 small apple (0.5)

dinner
tbd --> most likely going out for dinner, as sisters are leaving for uni tomorrow

exercise - cardio day
35 minutes elliptical trainer (2) --> probably much higher, but i like to be conservative
20 minutes stationary bike (1)

the non-back-to-school jitters

2008-08-27T09:39:00.008-04:00

for the past 2 days i've been extremely anxious. and i think i've finally put my finger on it - the seasons are changing, my sisters are going back to school, my friends are moving away to start various jobs all around the world, and yet i'm still here, living out of my parents basement, just waiting. waiting for my life to pick up again. to start work, to make some serious moulla, to move out. and while i've found some really interesting things to do in the interm, i can't help but feel like i'm missing out. as noted in yesterday's post, i like to keep busy. i seem to get really on edge whenever i'm not wrapped up in a whirlwind of work, social events, friends, family, ... and that's how i feel right now.

for one, i'm having a really tough time living at home. i've lived on my own for the past 4 years, and well, re-entry has been slightly trying at times. at first it was great - no rent (thank you parents!), free food (another thanks to the folks), great location. but i miss my old lifestyle terribly. and my mother gets on my nerves like no one else can. she's insanely irritable and snaps at everything. oh, i'm sure i do my share to provoke her. and while i'm also sure there are lots of things i can do to improve my living situation, right now i feel like playing the snotty 21-year-old card and blaming her for all my anxieties. and my lack of boyfriend. and for the 3 lbs. i still have to loose to make my labor day goal. and for the fact that my friends are all moving away. and... and... and... this isn't getting me anywhere. time for me to suck it up and quit being a princess. god, i'm sooo typical. argh!

alright, now that that annoying little rant is out of my system, time to move forward. it's that time of post again - action plan time. so here's how i'm going to handle my frustrations when i get home from work:
- work out (for my personal sanity)
- laundry
- clean bedroom (including move desk chair to basement)
- clean bathroom cabinets (get rid of old products, etc.)
- organize makeup (i'm a makeup junkie, and right now my little case is overflowing with products i haven't used in over a year - it's stressing me out)
- go to bed early

a new start

2008-08-26T09:45:00.012-04:00

wow. i really don't know what to say right now. staring at this blank screen, words are escaping me. there's so much going on in my life right now i don't know where to begin!

ok - breath in, breath out - let's start small. first things first. well, this week and next i'm working a temporary job at a graphic design studio. i love it here! while my role is minimal (this week i'm repsonsible for fielding all phone calls - what this really means is that i talk on the phone for about a minute an hour, 2 tops), i'm gaining great exposure to an industry i know almost zilch about. it's great! yesterday, for example, the office received proofs for the winter campaign for a major food and beverage brand. strange to think that they're already planning for the holiday season, but then again, i guess it's only 4 months away (wow, don't hate me ruining one of your last summer days with that thought - i already hate myself for thinking it!) next week i'm working on location for a photo shoot for a magazine ad.

this is getting easier - what else, what else? i start my "real life" job in just over 5 weeks. i'm really looking forward to it, but slightly terrified at the same time. after spending 6 - 7 weeks doing absolutely nothing with my life (ok, bit of an overstatement - more on what i've been up to later), i've realized that i need to be busy. if i'm not busy, i make myself busy by freaking out about things i don't need to freak out about. like the fact that i'm single. 80% of the time i'm a-ok with being single - in fact, for the most part i'm thrilled about it - but that other 20% of the time it's, "why does no one like me?" or, "i'm going to die single and alone with cats". horrible thoughts that i realize are completely irrational and insignificant most days, but make me choke up with fear on days when i have nothing to do. those are the days i need to distract myself. i least i'm handling these insecurities in a proactive way: when i feel these thoughts creeping on i try to go for a run or workout at the gym. ANYWAYS, taking this job has made me realize how happy i am to not be going back to school this year. i'm ready to gain hands on experience and to work on building my career as opposed to my transcript. a new start indeed!

other major things on my plate right now: (1) moving out (currently living at home with my parents), (2) paying off the debt i took on to go traveling, (3) working out (despite my best efforts i packed on a good 10 lbs while traveling - most is gone already, but still working on those last few stubborn pounds), (4) building my fall wardrobe, and (5) seeing as much of my friends and family as i possibly can before i start work in october. now, i realize that (1), (2), and (4) are slightly hypocritical, but hell, i effing love clothes and fall is my fashion nirvana. i mean, have you seen the size of this month's elle? well, i have and let's just say i have my work cut out for me (after all, i barely bought anything for summer since i spent the bulk of it traveling and bumming around my cottage). another reason i'm looking forward to starting my job: the steady income that will make balancing these things much, much easier.

well, hello again

2008-07-13T08:08:00.006-04:00

i'm back. currently at my cottage in northern ontario, canada. my 2.5 month trip across the world has come to an end. since may, i've been to: hong kong; macau, china; australia's east coast (notable highlights include sydney, surfer's paradise, brisbane, noosa, whitsundays, and cairns); northern thailand; laos; vietnam; cambodia; and the thai islands. and now i'm at a loss for words. because my trip wasn't really about the places i visited - yes, they were all magnificant in their own right - but the things i learned about myself along the way. boy, did i learn a lot about yours truly. i'm in a very interesting place right now. i need more time on my own, to allow all of these tidbits of information to settle in. that's why i decided to leave the city immidiately after landing - i need time to reflect, absorb, move on.

one of my most vivid memories from my trip comes from early may, a few days after having arrived in australia. just outside of sydney there's a mountain range called the "blue mountains". i decided to make the 2 hour journey on the train to the mountains on my own. once there, i hiked the trails for about 6 hours - just me and my map. after having climbed to the bottom of one of the ridges, i remember sitting down on a bench and sobbing for about an hour. not about anything in particular - just that i was there, on my own, doing something completely for myself. it was a very powerful moment for me. it was as if i was flexing my independence for the first time since my (somewhat) recent breakup.

ah, my breakup. my breakup followed me everywhere. i thought about him everyday. countless times i wished that he was there with me. hell, i think i wrote him about 10 emails over the course of my time away. didn't send them, but i wrote them. i wanted to tell him everything i was doing, share my experiences with him, ask him for advice, .... but i knew i couldn't. reaching out to him at that time would have been the wrong thing to do - it would have unecessarily hurt both of us. our relationship is done, it's run its course. i knew i couldn't rely on him for support anymore. travelling taught me two somewhat contradictory things about my relationship with him: (1) that i still loved him and (2) that it would never work between us.

and yes, i did travel with mr. new zealand for about 2.5 weeks. it was great - we got along fabulously. but he hurt me - and as much as i want to make excuses for him, i know i can't. he cheated on his girlfriend with me and i feel miserable about it. i'm embarassed that i compromised my morals for someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings. yet, from mr. new zealand i learned that i need to be on my own. i remember looking at him once while he was asleep and thinking to myself, "this is wrong, i don't want this, not yet".

on the other side of the world

2008-05-12T10:25:00.002-04:00

have to keep this post quick, as it's very late here in asia. yup, you heard me right - i'm in asia and have been for the past few days! posting will be very sporadic for the next 3 months, as i will be focusing on my travels as opposed to my eating.

emotional eating at its finiest

2008-05-05T20:16:00.002-04:00

i'm having a really rough go of it food wise. i mean, a really rough go of it. i can't seem to stop stuffing my face with whatever is lying around the house - ice cream, chocolate chips, cookies, fresh bread, etc. and yes, it really is that bad! i'm very nervous for my trip and am eating to calm my nerves. being at home just makes it so easy to fall of the bandwagon! usually when i feel this way i talk to my mom or call a friend. but lately my mom and i have been on bad terms (which is only fuelling my food obsession) and i feel as though i can't call my friends because i don't want to draw attention to the fact that i'm going on this crazy trip. so what do i do? i just eat and eat and eat some more. i feel really horrible about myself right now.

i've been off track the past 3 days. i was so good today until after dinner, when i binged on left overs, ice cream, chooclate chips, and arrow root cookies. god, why do i do this to myself? i feel absolutely horrible right now. at least i went for a long run today (40 mins).

i think i'm going to try to talk to my mom about it. hopefully she'll understand. and i want to get back on track right now. not tomorrow, or the next day. right now. doesn't matter when i leave, i have to do this to feel better about myself right now.

i'm going to take down my tracker on the side - it upsets me to think that i wasn't able to follow through on my goals! one day at a time. one hour at a time. hell, one minute at a time if that's what it takes.

menu as promised

2008-05-01T21:03:00.004-04:00

woohoo! i did it - managed to stay on plan all day, get to the gym for some cardio, and resist the cookies my sister baked this afternoon (another one of the joys of being home). it's smooth sailing here on out...

breakfast
1/2 cup fat-free yogurt (1)
1/2 cup nature's path flax plus flakes (0.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
6 crushed dry roasted almonds (no salt) (1)

snack 1
1 medium orange (1)

lunch
1 can water-packed tuna (3)
1 tbsp. light mayo (1)
2 slices weight watchers bread (1)
lettuce, tomato, cut up veggies (0)

snack 2 - pre workout
1/2 medium banana (1)

workout
28 mins. running inside (just over 3.0 miles) (3)
20 mins. stationary bike (just over 6.5 miles) (1)
5 mins. ab work (0)

snack 2 - post workout
1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1 1/2 tsp. natural peanut butter (1)
1/4 cup 1% milk in tea (0.5)

dinner
3 oz. lean flank steak (4) --> ok, ok, there are some perks to being home
1 medium sweet potato (2) cooked in 1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1 cup steamed broccoli (0)
1/2 grapefruit (1)

daily totals
total daily points used is 21
total activity points earned is 4
points remaining is 3, including activity points is 7

must calm these nerves...

2008-05-01T11:59:00.004-04:00

first of all, quick update on the goals i set out for myself yesterday. was doing great until i found out the friend i was planning on tackling hong kong with is now leaving the city earlier than expected, giving me a day or two on my own. now, if this was australia, sure, ditch me at the last second. still being a dick, but i can get by. hong kong, however? that's more intimidating. anyways, when i found this news out i pretty much dove into the pail of chipits my mother keeps around the house for baking (one of the many joys of living at home). and no, didn't stop there - i just ate and ate and ate all night. probably the worse binge session i've had in over a year. so frustrating! but i know exactly why i did it: i'm getting nervous for my trip and am trying to comfort myself with chocolate and chips and pizza and... (yes, it was that bad) note to self: i'm still nervous and now i feel like a cow, too. great, just great.

yet, one positive thing did come out of this experience. i remembered that one of my friends from high school is in hong kong right now and sent her a quick email letting her know the situation. i just got an email back from her saying that she would be more than happy to show me around those days. thank you, buddha!

just finished the book "eat, pray, love" and have to say wasn't overly thrilled with it. i really enjoyed the chapter on india, and the chapter in italy was cute, but the last chapter just pissed me off. don't want to say too much here as to avoid giving away the ending, but i was not impressed. haha, guess i'm still a little bitter... (those of you who have read the book know what i'm talking about)

have, have, have to go to the gym today. i'm getting really lazy about it. and i've decided to change my "23 day challenge" to a "1 week to go!" challenge. 23 points a day is too low for me (as evidenced by my 3 day binge fest), so i'm going to aim for 24. will post my menu at the end of the day. i have to take this 1 day at a time right now - i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed!

very short, but will write more soon

2008-04-30T10:15:00.002-04:00

for the past 2 nights i've been having mini binge fests before i go to bed. although i have been using my flex points, i need to stop this behavior before it becomes habitual. so, to nip this in the bud, i want to set 2 goals for myself today:

1. do not go over 23 daily points
2. go to bed early (before midnight)

will write more later when i have time. off to get my shots for asia!

the tale of the malfunctionning scale

2008-04-28T11:36:00.002-04:00

once upon a time there was a weight watchers scale. this scale wasn't like the other scales - it was digital and supposedly accurate to the first decimal place. a young twenty something used this scale once a week for about 8 months, believing her weight to be in the range of 145.0 - 153.0 lbs. this girl's roommate would sometimes use the scale, as well. she would always comment that her weight seemed higher than normal when she stepped on it, but the two of them usually chalked it up to water bloat (they were frequent sushi eaters). until one day our heroine stepped on another scale - the scale she used previous to her fancy pants one. and lo and behold she came in at just under 145 lbs. - 4.5 lbs. less than what her scale had been reading! so what did she do? well, she did what any sane body-obsessed woman would do - she forgot about the twisted scale that was making her feel like shit and lived happily ever after with the new one. the end.

so, that pretty much sums up my weigh in today. i woke up and stepped on my weight watchers scale, which read 148.7 lbs., and then stepped on my old one, which read 145.0 lbs. (actually, it read about 144.8 lbs. - sweet!). my roommate had been complaining about my old scale all year - she goes to weight watchers meetings and found that my scale would overestimate her weight by 1.0 - 4.0 lbs. i've decided to finally listen to her and forget about ye old scale and replace her (because every inanimate object in my life is a her) with the new one. there you have it - i weigh just under 145.0 lbs. and there ain't nothing that bitch of a scale can do about it! don't think i've had a weigh in this exciting since i first started focusing on my body about 3 years ago (back then the scale was closer to 175.0 lbs.)

moving on, moving on. weekend was pretty uneventful. my sister's prom was on friday and i helped her with the after party at our place. fun, but i can think of a more exciting things to do than host 30 18-year olds between the hours of 1 am and 4 am in the morning. feel as though i went above and beyond the sisterly requirements on that one (did i mention i made them food?) saturday was spent lounging around most of the day and yesterday i had a family commitment which took up most of the afternoon. one of my best girl friends from high school came over to watch a movie last night and we picked a real oscar-winner - sydney white starring amanda bynes. again, more evidence i should write for the tween market. i have to admit, though, amanda bynes is pretty damn funny. and (dare i say it?) real!

i've been dreaming about my ex-boyfriend a lot these days and i'm really missing him. usually i'm very comfortable with the decision i made to end things with him, but today i'm not. it's making me feel a little mopey and even a bit sick to my stomach. i hope these feelings are mostly due to my move back home - life at home is much calmer than life at school. i know he's gone now, but i just wish i could hold him one last time. i want to know how he's doing - did he get on the project he wanted at work? did he end up running the boston marathon? did he beat "hard" on guitar hero (which i gave him, might i add)? it's only been 5 weeks or so - i shouldn't beat myself up for still having these feelings. but i do miss him and right now i want to reach out to him more than ever. i know i can't. it wouldn't be fair to either of us.

enough to the negative nancy talk, on to what i plan on eating today:

1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. natural peanut butter (1)
1 medium orange (1)

3 oz. turkey breast (2)
1/4 cup canned chickpeas (1)
1 tbsp. dressing (1)
2 slices weight watchers bread (1)
loads of 0-point vegetables (0)

1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)
6 almonds (1)
1/2 cup nature's path optimum slim (1)

total is 12, leaving 11 to play with for the rest of today. even though i was planning on taking today off from working out, i think it might help my emotional state if i break a sweat. so that's my goal for today - work out to get a load off!

back in toronto

2008-04-23T21:33:00.005-04:00

the past few days have been a blur: had my last night out at university (actually this time), moved back home, cleaned and gutted my apartment, etc. not to mention all of the good byes! for someone who has been "ready" to leave university for the past few months, i got pretty emotional about it all. i was especially sad to leave my roommate and our mutual best-friend nem (code name). good thing my roommate is still my roommate, as we're moving out together in the fall again. i would miss her too much!

life at home has been, well, life at home. hung out with my new roommates tonight (by this i mean my mom and dad). wasn't all that bad - had my frist home-cooked meal in a long time! and my mom's a chef so you know it was delicious. mmm, got to love her fajitas!

slipped up on both monday and tuesday. ugh! i was doing really well on both days until about 9 pm. on monday i got super drunk, so of course all rational decision making went out the window. and yesterday i thought to myself, "you deserve a treat after these four years of hard work", so i ordered a cookie sundae for dessert when i went out to dinner with my mom and rooms. at least we shared it 3 ways! ahhh, still came home and had a mini feast on ice cream. god, i love ice cream.

anyways, back on track today. i've only had 16.5 points to eat so far today, and am wondering how i'm going to get to 23 in the next 3 hours. i wish i had this problem all of the time. i'm thinking of making myself a peanut butter and banana smoothie. two of my favorite things in the entire world blended until drinkable = phenomenal. also, i got in a great workout today - 30 mins running intervals at the gym (total of 3.25 miles) and 20 mins on the stationary bike. i walked up a storm shopping, but am not going to count that as activity. with 2 weeks until i leave, i mean business!

here's what i've had to eat today:

1 egg (2)
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
little of bit of lettuce and tomato (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup fresh raspberries --> another perk of being home is the fresh fruit (0)

6 pieces salmon sushi (3.5)
1 green salad with 1 tsp dressing (1)

1 grande iced coffee with 2 pumps sugar-free mocha syrup and splash of skim milk (0.5)
1 large apple (2)

3 oz. chicken (2.5)
1 tsp olive oil (1) --> my mom says that she only used 1 tsp for the entire thing, but she looked a little a shifty when she said it...
1 whole wheat tortilla (1)
1/4 cup salsa (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total is 16.5 points. practically a miracle. i don't know how this happened. it's as if my body is saying, "stop eating you gluten you!" i don't know why it's not hungry. i'll forever remember today as "the day i just wasn't hungry". i doubt i'll ever have a day like today again. i'm perpetually hungry/wanting to eat.

anyways, enough about my crazy day. as already mentioned, i went shopping for some cute numbers for my trip. i would post pictures of what i bought, but can't seem to find any online. i got 3 light-weight jersey dresses: 1 royal blue, 1 bubble-gum pink, and 1 brown. the brown one is stunning, if i do say so myself. it's got all of this braided detailing... aaamazing. also picked up a cute high waisted skirt and a pair of shorts. ok, perhaps not the most practical things, but i need to look nice when i go out!

oh, and mr. new zealand sent me an email saying that he's booked and paid for all of his flights. crazy to think that he's actually coming with me for part of my trip! and to think that this is the same guy i meet all those weeks ago. hubba hubba, he is sooo dreamy (disclaimer: i do not, in fact, write for tween magazines, although i definitely have the vocab to). strange how the world works sometimes.

yesterday i slippped up...

2008-04-18T13:44:00.002-04:00

... and today i'm putting it behind me. but before i move on, i think a quick recap of what went down is in order.

had 12 daily points remaining around mid-afternoon (had even said no to the candies being passed around the exam i was proctoring!) started drinking around 4:30 pm. made smart drink choices - had a few bud lights and coors lights - but still ended up getting completely smashed. so by the time dinner rolled around, i was in no state of mind to make healthy choices. we went for greasy pub fare and i had the chicken sandwich with - get this - a salad! that's right. in my state of oblivion i some how managed to say no to the fries and yes to the veggies. i even ordered my dressing on the side. i think that calls for a freaking award or something. but unfortunately, friends, i didn't stop there. one of the girls we went out to dinner with didn't want the rest of her quesidilla so i had 1/3 of it. gross! i mean, where was the willpower when i really needed it? ugh. went back to my house to make some jello shooters and to get ready for the bare. had a few jello shooters and some cereal to, as i rationalized, "slow the absorption". bad move. anyways, ended up sobering up before the bar and decided to stay in instead. so that's it. the end of my drinking days at university. blah!

ok, so back to moving on. today i will not, i repeat, will not go over my daily points limit of 24. and i'm going to go for a run outside - it's such a beautiful day after all!

planning ahead

2008-04-17T11:27:00.005-04:00

to prevent myself from going over daily points + activity points, i've decided to plan my menu for the rest of the day:

breakfast - total 3.5 points
1 scoop whey powder (2)
1/2 cup vanilla sogood soy milk (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
crushed ice (0)

snack 1 - total 2.5 points
1/4 cup skim milk (0.5) in coffee (0)
1 all bran bar (2)

lunch - max. 5 points
salad and protein of some variety --> most likely 3 points for protein, 1 point for topping, 1 point for dressing

snack 2 - total 3 points
1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

dinner - total 5 points
1 tsp. olive oil for cooking vegetables in (1)
3/4 cup whole wheat cooked pasta (2)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1/2 cup canned tomato sauce (1)

snack 3 - total 1 - 3 points
options: 1 orange (1), 1 bag smartpop popcorn (1), 1 carnation hot chocolate (1)

planned activity - running for 30 min. outside (4)

daily points total is 19 (no snack 3 options) - 22 points (all snack 3 options). will be going out tonight, but am not going to drink more than 3 light beers (5.5 - 6.5 points depending on the brand). mini goal for today is to stay away from the cereal!

in related news, i'm moving back to toronto on monday, so am busy packing up my life for the past 4 years. looks like i'm going to have to throw a lot of stuff out - there's no way i can take everything back to my parent's house. also, have been busy planning my trip through asia and oceania. i'm getting so pumped! mr. new zealand will be joining me for at least the last 2 weeks of it, which i'm very excited about. i guess those crazy kiwis have a break from school next week, so that's when we're going to finalize most of the details. however, i'm not going to get my hopes up about him - i'm going into this assuming that we're friends and nothing more. if something happens, great, but if nothing happens, that's great too. as i've mentioned in my past posts this trip is about me and no boy (no matter how funny, smart, or good-looking he is... ok, maybe i have a little crush) is going to get in my way. god, i feel like that line came straight out of a destiny's child song (can i get all the ladiesss who're independennnt to throw - their - hands - up - at - meee?!)

stuffed

2008-04-17T00:08:00.004-04:00

going to keep this quick, as i am about to go to bed. day was going really well eating-wise until after dinner munchies hit. damn you kashi golean crunch cereal! you are too delicious to resist. pair that with some vanilla soy milk and you have yourself a passionate duo. throw some berries in there and... no more food thoughts for me. the end. so, all in all, didn't meet the goal i set for myself yesterday, but made improvements nonetheless.

what i consumed today:

1 scoop whey powder (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)
1/4 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (0.5) --> grocery store was out of source
1/3 up vanilla sogood soy milk (1)

1/8 cup vanilla sogood soy milk (0.5) in coffee (0)

1 orange (1)

3.5 oz. cooked skinless chicken (3)
2 cups broccoli (1)
2 slices ww bread (1)

3/4 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

1 orange (1)
7 almonds (1)

1/8 cup 2% milk (0.5, but have to double check this)
2 oz. chicken (2 + 2 for 1 1/2 tsp. oil) on green salad (0) with 1/2 tsp. olive oil (0.5) from milestone's

1/3 cup quaker instant oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 hot chocolate (1)
1 bag smartpop! (1)

1 1/2 cups kashi golean cereal (6.5)
1 cups cup vanilla sogood soy milk (3)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened berries (0)

in total ate 33 points. blah! earned 4 activity points from the gym, so used 5 flex points. double blah! have 24.5 flex points left for the week. most likely going out tomorrow, which means i will have to be extra careful with my eating.

also, for some point-related q's: when you order at restaurant, how much oil do you assume your food is cooked in? i never know how much to add (usually guess 1 1/2 tsp. to 1 tbsp. depending on how greasy i think the food is). how many 0-point items can you eat per day? and, lastly, when you eat the same food throughout the day, do you add the points value for that food to a running tally (as in, 1 1/2 cups of raspberries is 1 point) or count the servings separately throughout the day (3 1/2 cup servings of raspberries is 0 points)? i would appreciate any advice you have!

who would have thought 4 little falafel ball-things would be 7 points?!

2008-04-15T22:57:00.004-04:00

question of the day. i went for mediterranean food with my roommate and ordered what i thought was a low-point option. imagine my frustration when the lunch i budgeted 8 points for came in at a whopping 13! argh! on a positive note, i went to my second yoga class today. i really didn't want to go, but am glad that i went. i felt strong and toned afterwards. i plan on incorporating yoga into my weekly workout schedule.

today's menu:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)

1/3 cup quaker 1-minute oats (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 large white pita (3)
1/4 cup homemade hummus (3)
4 falafel patties (7) --> typing this makes me so angry

1 starbucks fancy-pants drink (4)

1 cup whole wheat pasta (3)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1 tsp. oil (1)
1/2 cup tomato sauce (1)
oodles of veggies (0)

1/2 cup astro fat-free vanilla yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
1/2 cup golean crunch (1.5)

total is 31.5 points. in retrospect, should have looked up points values of mediterranean food before lunch and should not have ordered such a fancy pants drink mid-afternoon. my goal for tomorrow is not to go over my daily points limit + activity points.

managed to stay on track last night despite going out with friends for beers and wings. only had 3 beers, so i got a little tipsy (yup, i'm a huge light weight), but not too drunk. it was great! i felt in control the entire time. didn't even touch the wings.

stepped on the scale around mid-day and my weight was already back down to 148 lbs. phew! don't know what happened on monday morning. must have been massive water retention (did drink like a fish over the weekend and went for vietnamese food on sunday night). i should readjust my points limit downwards (when i take the quiz at 148 lbs. it says that i should only be eating 23 points per day), but i've decided not to until next week. i'm used to eating about 25 points per day and think that a 2-point cut might be too hard for me, especially since i plan on working out more than usual.

and lastly... biggest loser finale was on tonight and ally won it all! amazing! first female biggest loser ever. great inspiration for the beginning of my very own personal weight challenge!

my very own challenge!

2008-04-14T09:04:00.005-04:00

today was weigh in day. recall that on thursday morning i weighed 147.0 lbs. however, when i stepped on the scale this morning i weighed a staggering 152.7 lbs.! yikes! i don't even remember the last time my weight was this high. how can i have gained 5.2 lbs. over the course of 3 days? how is that even possible? i'm hoping that the gain is largely due to water retention, but who knows. god, i feel miserable about this.

what makes it worse is that i'm hoping to shed a few pounds before i leave for my trip on may 8th. i can't let this let diversion get in my way - 3 days is not the end of the world. i can get through this little blip (positive self talk, positive self talk, ...) doesn't help that my self esteem has reached all time lows thanks to this weekend's events.

so what am i going to do about this? i'm going to start my very own 23 day challenge. nothing is going to get in my way - university is done, i'm moving out in a week or so, and all of my toronto friends still have exams. let's call my challenge, um, i need a name... ah yes, "dbc's pick yourself up out of the gutter and get moving 23-day challenge". notice how i don't make mention to my trip or trying to look hot or anything like that. right now i'm thinking of weight loss as a means to end - and that end is to get rando dudes to like me (and by like, i mean want to pick me up at the bar... sure, too much information, but the truth of the matter nonetheless). i have to shed this mindset. i want to start thinking about weight loss as a means of improving myself - eating better, exercising more often and effectively, trying new things (foods, group classes, etc.). my mantra going forward is, "i'm doing this for me, and no one else." not even you - asshole boy who rejected me at the bar! f*ck y'all, i'm shedding these pounds to make me feel better, so there - nah!

now that we're all thoroughly impressed by my maturity, allow me to share my plan with you:

1. follow weight watchers. yes, i'm tempted to try other "faster acting" plans, but i know that they won't work. i want this weight loss (however minor it may be in just 23 days) to be permanent. i want to have my healthy habits set in stone by the time i leave - binging on delicious asian food while away = not on plan
2. reduce daily points to 24. normally i adjust my daily point values to be 25, but for these 23 days i'm going to do exactly what the site tells me -and today it told me to eat 24 points per day (normally 23 - ouch that hurts!)
3. work out minimum of 5 times a week. and try different exercises too! incorporate more weight training and yoga (both for the peace of mind and health benefits)
4. post progress on blog each day. you'll soon notice a new sidebar dedicated to my challenge. watch it as i tackle this baby head on
5. do not get drunk. you hear me? that's right, i am not getting drunk once in these 23 days. i'd love to say no drinking altogether but i know that's unrealistic for me. instead, 2 - 3 drinks when i got out max. none of this binge drinking and throwing myself at randos business. nu uh - i'm done with that (at least until australia...) i'm trying to solve all of my post-break up problems at the bar and - get this - it's not working. i need some quality sober time
6. taking a page out glams book here, but on the morning of may 8th, my 24th day on plan, i'm going to post a picture of myself in a bikini. on this very website. with the caption "i did it!" no ifs, ands, or buts about. this sh*t is going down

also, you may have noticed my self deprecating post last night and thought to yourself, "geeze, why is this chick such a debbie downer"? well, i'll tell you straight up that i got shut down on saturday night. cute guy, known him for a while now, just wasn't into me. i put myself out there for the first time since matt, and i got slapped in the face (not literally). and it suuucks. i felt horrible about myself. even now when i look back on it i get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach (ok, guess the "even now" bit wasn't necessary - this did just happen on saturday). ahhh well, live and let live. i've learned some lessons from this one and they will not be soon forgotten.

i have about 7.5 hours of school left - project due at 5 pm - so i should probably get down to it. god, can't wait for school to be over. it's such a drag.

here's to my new challenge! i know i can do it.

today has been hard

2008-04-13T20:59:00.002-04:00

i woke up today feeling like absolute crap. i still feel like absolute crap. and you know what? i'm not going to start feeling better any time soon, as i have a massive project due tomorrow at 5 pm. great, just great.

my weekend has been wild. in fact, some might even say too wild. i went out on both friday and saturday and had wayyy too much to drink on both nights. i don't know how to say this, don't even really know if i want the entire blog world to know, but i was so desperate for male attention i did some pretty stupid things. don't worry - nothing got too scandalous. but i put myself out there and got shut down pretty hard. and it sucks. my self esteem is in the gutter right now. i don't know how to pick it back up, so of course i've resorted to mcdonald's to soothe my frustrations. obviously that's not helping anything at all.

i hate that i'm so boy-crazy right now - that i've become so desperate for male attention that i'll compromise myself to get it. ugh! i've never been like this before. i don't know what my problems is. and i'm just so effing embarrased. ugh, should get back to work on my project, but i really need to vent. i feel so miserable. ugh! i know i will get through this, that this is just a symptom of the post break up jitters. i know, i know. but i hate feeling this way.

anxiety attacks

2008-04-10T09:14:00.004-04:00

i couldn't sleep for the life of me last night. it was very strange - went to bed anxious and woke up feeling even more so. i wonder what's gotten me so worked up? couldn't be my exam (should be pretty straight-forward), or the projects i'm working on (making good progress on all of them). can't be body issues (feeling great today!) or lack of exercise (ran for 46 minutes last night - wahoo!). hmmm... ahhh, yes. my trip. my trip is freaking me out. instead of leaving on the 12th, as i had originally planned, i'm now leaving on the 8th. only cuts down prep time by about 4 days, but still feeling worried that i'm not going to get everything done in time! ok, breathe. this is ok. i'm making a to do list as soon as i finish this post.

yesterday started off kind of shitty/kind of good, got worse, and then got a lot better. allow me to explain: i woke up early yesterday to go for a run, but received an instant message from mr. new zealand just as i was stepping out the door. obviously i had to respond and we ended up chatting for about an hour (recap: good = talking to mr. new zealand, bad = no run). but midway through our convo, the unthinkable happened - my computer fell breaking my charger (recap: very bad = charger breaking when 3 papers are due from friday - monday). ugh, so i had to deal with that. next, i went to a group meeting, where i found out that one chick in my group was "too overwhelmed" to do her part, so i was given an extra 1,500 words to write for this morning (recap: very, very bad = working with people who don't pull their weight). thanks a lot, asshole. it's not like i have nothing else going on right now.

anyways, day got better when - get this - i went for the best run i can remember last night! as already mentioned, i ran a whopping 46 minutes. that's right, bitches - no stopping and lots of big hills. i'm a machine. i had planned to run for about 30 minutes (time it takes me to do roughly 5 km), but when i finished my loop i had this strange urge to keep going. so i did. and now i'm uber buff. don't know whose blog i read this on, but i remember someone saying that running is like therapy. let's just say that last night's run was one big therapy session - got pretty worked up about matt in the middle of it (guess that's what happens when you listen to alanis morisette circa the late 90s), but just ran through it. i kept telling myself, "running is therapy, run through your emotions". hell, i feel great now.

i'm hoping to to go out tonight (last thursday night at university!). i may have to stay in because of that idiotic girl, but let's hope not. regardless, friday and saturday are going to be pretty wild. to track my progress this week (i know the weekend is going to be rough), i weighted myself today, even though monday is technically my weigh in day. good news - was down to 147.0 lbs. i'm going to try really hard to manage my eating this weekend, even though it is my last weekend at university. game plan is the same as always: make smart choices.

should get back to work, as i still have to pass this stupid, effing report off to my lazy-ass group member.

tomorrow's todo

2008-04-08T23:34:00.004-04:00

disclaimer: this post is going to bore the hell out of everyone who isn't me.

feeling slightly overwhelmed right now, so thought that i would make a todo list. i always feel more accountable when the entire blog world is witness to my activities.

- make healthy lunch and snacks (bought lunch, made snack)
- go for a run (done)
- complete passport application and find guarantor (looong story on this one - let's just say it starts with my roommate doing a little spring cleaning and ends with my passport being thrown out 1 month before my trip)
- book stay in hong kong (recent addition to trip) (done)
- pick up information for group project 1 (done)
- read information and put together outline for project 2
- study for thursday exam
- 4 hours of student interviews (looking to find a replacement for one of the conferences i'm involved with) (done)
- take shirt to dry cleaners
- fold mountain of clothes
- finalize loan details
- finalize new visa details
- go to yoga (if there's time)

a quickie

2008-04-08T22:09:00.007-04:00

don't have time to write much today - with all of the nice weather and patio-ing i completely "forgot" about my exam on thursday! yikes!

however, before i begin my daily recap, just wanted to say thanks to glam and eurydice for their encouraging comments on my last post. i've said it before and i'll say it again - i really need to take this time to focus on myself. i'm not "solid" yet and i so desperately want to be! i know in time, and with some personal reflection, my insecurities will subside. until then, however, just have to stay positive. and you know i will!

didn't make it to yoga today, as i was too busy with school to go. i'll have to revise my workout schedule for the week - since today was a day off, my goal is to get in at least 4 activity points-worth of exercise tomorrow. my plan is to get up early and go for a run (7:30 am wake up call - very early for me, but i hope to go to bed in the next hour or so). if i happen to finish my work early i'm going to go to yoga in the evening.

here's what i had to eat today:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)

1 apple (1)

1 falafel pita pit salad (3) with 1/4 cup store-bought hummus (2)

1 pria bar (3)

1 all bran bar (2)

2 cups edamame (3)
6 pieces salmon sushi (3.5)
1 green salad (0) with 1 tbsp. dressing (1)

5 oz. wine (2)

1/2 cup kashi golean! crunch (1.5)
1/2 cup all bran flakes (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)
3/4 cup silk plain light (1)

total of 27.5 points. had to use 2.5 flex points, bringing my weekly flex tally down to 32.5 points.

weighty issues

2008-04-07T09:28:00.005-04:00

after being 85% on plan all week, i was excited for my weigh in today. i literally leaped out of bed and onto the scale. and you know what i found there? 148.2 lbs. - a weight much higher than i was aiming for. sure, it's a loss of 0.6 lbs., and i know what they say, "a loss is a loss", but i don't feel good about that number at all. it's strange how a few pounds can make such a difference. whenever i'm over 147 lbs., i always feel uncomfortable in my body.

however, i realize there are probably several reasons for why i didn't see the scale move more: (1) i was sick for most of the week, so i was only able to squeeze in 2 workouts, (2) saturday night (enough said), and (3) haven't been eating enough protein. i know what i have to do this week. here's my plan of attack:

monday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
tuesday - yoga for 90 mins. (3 activity points), possibly gym (see what my friends are doing)
wednesday - day off
thursday - run for 30 - 40 mins. (3 - 4 activity points)
friday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
saturday - yoga for 90 mins (3 activity points), gym
sunday - day off

now, this is going to be a lot of exercise and at times i'm going to hurt a lot. but i have to remember that there's a difference between discomfort and pain - push through the discomfort and stop when there's pain. if i pace myself i know i can do it. also, it's exams for us here at uni and since i only have 1 exam (in my easiest course, might i add), i'm sure i'll have the time to focus this much on exercise.

yesterday i went to the local yoga studio and signed up for the beginner's package - unlimited classes for 1 week for $20 cdn. aaamazing. the class i went to yesterday was called "hip hop yoga". kind of a weird concept - this special teacher comes in and all of the poses are done to late 90s rap. last summer i went to yoga about once a week at a studio close to my work. it was great, i really loved it. i'm glad that i'm getting back into it. thanks to pom for her post about yoga - it was the push i needed to get out there and get sweating.

but before i sign off, there's something i need to address: my insecurities surrounding weight post-bf. i've really noticed a difference in my thinking over the past 2 weeks or so. i've noticed my thoughts slowly becoming more and more weight focused. yes, to a certain extent this is because i'm slightly heavier than usual. but i also think a lot of it is due to my recent singleness. ah, i hate to say this, but at times i catch my inner voice repeating this awful line: "you have to be thinner for guys to like you." yes, it's that bad. i need to put a stop to it. recently i've found myself comparing my body to those of other girls' my age. at yoga, for example, i couldn't stop looking in that effing wall mirror at all of their tight bodies. i was jealous! actually! i also need to stop thinking that my new mission in life is to find another boy. after all (and i say this often to remind myself), i broke up with matt because i wanted to be my own person. these thoughts show me that i truly have to focus on myself - and i don't mean my looks. i have to focus on standing on my own two feet once and for all.

here's a thought: just say no!

2008-04-05T23:14:00.002-04:00

bah! flashback a few hours to when i was getting ready to go out for some pati-o-so-good times. remember what i did? i set 2 mini goals for myself. and what were they? oh right, (1) make good choices and (2) no grease. fast forward a few hours to when we're sitting on the patio. what do i have to eat? oh that's right, i choose to split a pizza hut-type pizza with one of my buddies. and then what do i do then? ahhh yes, i order a brownie thingy-ma-bob for desert. ok, so back to those goals: (1) made bad choices and (2) lots of grease. when will i learn to listen to my head and not my stomach?

anyways, greasy pizza does quite the number on me, so i decided to come home early. so here i am. sitting in my living room. no friends. roomie away for the weekend. bloated as all hell. and all because i didn't listen to that little voice inside my head yelling, "don't do ittt!"

ahhh well. this sucks. tomorrow will be better. drinking lots of water now. have to flush out the bloat before monday morning weigh-in.

sunny skies = drinking outside

2008-04-05T17:18:00.006-04:00

another beautiful day! makes me want to crack out the summer dresses and decorated sandals. god, i love spring. winter is just so blah.

have to keep this short, as i'm about to go for drinks with friends on - you guessed it - a patio. pretty exciting. first outdoor drinking adventure of the year. wahoo!

today i've had to eat:

1/2 cup plain astro yogurt (1) (ran out of source yogurts this morning)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

1/4 cup skim milk in coffee (0.5)

2 pieces of whole wheat bread (2)
2 slices of deli-turkey (1)
lettuce and tomato (0)

1/4 large white pita (0.5)
1 1/2 tbsp. hummus (1)

1 grande skinny vanilla latte (3) (here i go with the lingo again)

1/2 cup all bran flakes (1)
1/2 cup kashi golean crunch! (2)
1 cup plain silk light (1)
4 large strawberries (0) --> these may actually be 1 point, have to double check
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

9 points left. since we'll most likely be grabbing bar food for dinner, i had a big bowl of cereal around 5 pm. hopefully it tides me over for the eveing - i'm a flipping animal around food when i'm hungry. probably should have had a snack with some more protein in it, but the berries i bought today at the grocery store just looked so good!

i had to work on a group project this morning, which kind of sucked (our meeting started at 9:30 am - i'm not even human at the hour in the morning - note to self: this will have to change when i start work in the fall). i met my roomie for lebanesse food after. since i had a small sandwich at our meeting, i just nibbled at her plate (disclaimer: usually i don't do this, but rooms and i are so tight we don't mind sharing the occasional pita and hummus appetizer).

anyways, i then went shopping and bought 2 shirts at american apparel. god, i love american apparel. it's so effing smart. i mean, cute little clothes in every color of the rainbow? genius!! one draw back to american apparel (and this is by no means thier fault): the new location in london is only a few blocks away from me, so i drop oodles of money there each month. it's so accessible i plan outfits around clothes i don't even own yet. tonight's ensemble, for example, involves me running down the street to pick up a new vest. seriously, i need to get this addiction under control. it's like i need to go to aa for aa. brutal.

okkk, so enough about clothing. let's talk about eating (baby, let's talk about you and... i'm stopping now). i've been 100% on plan for 6 days now. i haven't been able to stay on track like this since january. it's inevitable that i'm going to go over my 35 flex tonight, but i'm not going to go over by too much (you got that stomach?). my plan of attack: make smart choices and say no to grease. and that includes you, delicious poutine from sammy souvlaki's.

spring has sprung

2008-04-03T20:25:00.004-04:00

the weather is finally turning around here in canada. it was gorgeous outside today - moderate temperature, sunny skies, birds singing, etc. just beautiful out! warm weather puts me in such a great mood. the bleak winter weather had really been getting to me the past few weeks. but no more!

yesterday was my last day of class at university. end of an era, you might say. not i, though - just the start of the next one! school has been great, but i've grown out of it. i'm ready for a change. i'm really excited to start work (i know those of you with jobs may be rolling your eyes at this, haha). i can't wait to make some serious coin (even though it's not going to be that serious in the first few years), move back to toronto, and get a new place. london's been great - it's just a little too small for me. i'm a whole lotta woman for this one horse town!

ugh, and did i mention that i've been sick with bronchitis the past few days? i think it's from all of the stress i've been under the past few weeks, with the break up and all. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. well until last night, that is - i slept like a log for about 16 hours. i'm feeling much better now and even plan on going out tonight. god, i'm such a rebel!

eating has been 110% on track the past few days. since i do have bronchitis, i don't plan on drinking much tonight. i haven't been able to work out, but i did walk home from school today to get some exercise in (1 activity point). yesterday i was well under my points limit (i guess that happens when you sleep for 70% of the day). i find that when i'm under by more than a point or two one day i'm ravenous the next! today was no exception - i could have eaten anything that wasn't nailed down. but resist i did. here's what i've had to eat so far:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)
1 large orange (1)

1 cup campbell's garden minestrone soup (1)
3 tbsp. shredded cheese (1.5)
1 grande extra hot skinny vanilla latte (3) --> yes, i'm one of those annoying people who speaks "starbucks". might have something to do with the fact that my roomie worked there over the summer

1 fruit and yogurt parfait from school snack bar (4)

1 nutri-grain peanut bar (3)
1 source yogurt (1)

1 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (3)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
loads of veggies (0)

total is 23, with 2 to spare plus 1 activity point. that means i can have 1.5 drinks guilt-free and will be dipping into my flex to cover the rest (hopefully not too many more). my goal for tonight is not to go out for post-bar food.

today i booked my plane tickets to and from the south-pacific. very exciting! i leave on may 12th and don't plan on returning until july 10th.

daily wrap up

2008-04-01T21:49:00.005-04:00

nothing too crazy to report today. just wanted to give a quick update on my healthy eating goals.

eating has been on track. i'm at 24.5 points and plan on heading to bed in the next hour or so (i.e., no late-night snacking). feeling pretty good about this, since i was so tempted to binge earlier today. here's my menu from today:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen blueberries (0.5)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

coffee with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 source yogurt (1)
1 all bran bar (2)

1 chicken pita pit salad (3)
3 tbsp. store-bought hummus (1.5)

tea with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 nutri-grain peanut bar (3)

2 small oranges (1)

2 cups edamame (3)
8 small pieces salmon sushi (3)
8 small pieces vegetable sushi (2.5)

unfortunately, wasn't able to get much exercise in (other than a few minutes walking here and there). i feel as though i'm coming down with a bit of a cold, so i plan on heading to the doc on campus tomorrow after class. hopefully i'll be feeling better so that (1) i can get some quality running in and (2) my posts won't be sooo lame.

oh! but before i forget, must give an update on my travel plans. looks like things with mr. new zealand are really heating up. we talked for about an hour last night and it sounds as though he's fully committed to backpacking with me for the last 3 weeks of my trip. wahoo!

re-committment day

2008-03-31T19:41:00.004-04:00

since my eating habits have been downright dirty for the past week or so, i hereby claim today as "re-committment day". yes friends, i mean serious business - no more post-bar food, no more hungover breakfasts, no more junk. i weighed in today and the scale showed a staggering 148.8 lbs. i haven't been this heavy since the day after christmas. it's time for some serious changes.

my goals for this week are:

1. exercise 5 times
2. use only 35 flex points --> disclaimer: can be used on alcohol
3. eat at home as much as possible
4. walk everywhere

here's what i've had to eat so far today:

1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup unsweetened frozen raspberries (0)
1/2 cup nature's path heritage flakes (1)
7 crushed almonds (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

2/3 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (1.5)
1/3 cup veggie ground round (1)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1/2 cup crushed tomatoes (0)
loads of veggies

1 yogurt, vector, and berry parfait (sold at school snack bar, nutrition info. found online) (4)

2 cups edamame (3)
10 pieces sushi (5.5)

that brings me to 22 points with 3 remaining. my roomie and i walked home from school, so that earned me 1 activity point. i also plan on going to the gym later today. if i'm able to make it, my goal is to earn 3 activity points. i haven't exercised since friday afternoon and i'm beginning to feel it in my muscles. isn't it strange how your body craves exercise after a while?

one of those days

2008-03-30T19:52:00.005-04:00

when matt and i broke up last weekend the first thing my mom said to me was, "you're going to have your good days and your bad days. just remember that you'll get through it. you're a tough cookie!" (i kid you not about the tough cookie bit). today is a bad day. in fact, today has been the worst day post-break up yet. i don't feel like a tough cookie at all - i feel like a lump of emotional dough.

the "break up blues" are really starting to sink it. i feel as though i've lost one of my best friends and in many ways i have. i miss him so much right now. i'm worried that if i go to asia i'll ruin all chances of us getting back together. but then i think to myself, "wasn't this the entire point of our breaking up to begin with?" you don't just break up with someone to get back together with them again a week or so later. i guess i'm just starting to really feel what life is like without him. and right now it's very lonely.

i want to call him but i know that doing so will only hurt him more. unless i'm 150000% sure i want to get back together with him it'll just cause more harm than good. and after what i've put him through, as well as myself, there is no way i'm going to do that to either of us. i guess that just goes to show that this momentary blip is just that - a day long lapse in judgement.

one of my personal goals for myself was not to run from my emotions during this time, but to face them head on. but tonight i think i need a break from all of this sadness. so here's my game plan for the next 4 or 5 hours:

1. clean up kitchen (done) and room
2. go for a run on the treadmill downstairs (try for 30 mins.)
3. call parents about trip planning - they're nervous nellies when it comes to me travelling through asia on my own (done)
4. prepare visa applications for tomorrow morning (done)
5. write 1 page for negotiations group project
6. read global environment of business case for tomorrow
7. make lunch (done)
8. read!

i heart me

2008-03-28T16:55:00.004-04:00

i'm sick and tired of my own self-loathing. sure, i appear to be bright and cheerful on the outside, but there's always this little voice in my head saying, "oh no, don't eat that - it'll make you fat!" or "if only you were 5 lbs. thinner you would be so much happier." stop it! (yes, i realize that i did just yell at voices in my head... starting to feel like a bit of a loon). but i truly do want it to stop. i want to be feel comfortable and happy in my own skin. i want to stop putting myself down for having dessert once and while or only working out for 30 mins. when i needed to work out for 40 mins. to get that extra activity point.

when it comes down to it, i truly believe that i am happy with who i am - my person, my friends and family, my body. take today, for example. when i was lifting weights at the gym i felt so strong - i was proud of myself for what my body could do, not necessarily for how it looked doing it. these are the emotions i need to channel. and channel them i will!

that being said, i was hungover as all hell this morning, which resulted in a mini gorge on pancakes and chocolate chip cookies (president's choice "the decadent" cookies... all of you canadians out there know what i'm talking about). but, in the spirit of today's "i love me" theme, i am not going to feel bad about it. i made a choice and i'm moving on. ever since then i've been right on track - went to the gym and had a protein shake when i got home. i mean, could i have made healthier choices?!

ooo and interesting update on my friend from new zealand: he sent me a graduation card! how cute is that? looks like he's going to be joining me for one leg of my journey in june/july, as well. i'm pretty excited about it. we have a phone date coming up this week... i'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it!

i have a big weekend ahead of me, so i'm going to focus on making smart choices... and loving myself. yup, i'm going to be walking around as though i'm wearing one of those retro-chic "i heart ny" shirts, but instead of "ny" it says "me". that's right, uber dork here. but a dork that loves herself for who she is nonetheless!

hello world!

2008-03-27T08:51:00.005-04:00

i. feel. fabulous. today was the first morning i didn't wake up crying about matt. in fact, i didn't even really think about him until i wrote that sentence. i'm moving on. as jay-z would say "it's time for the next episode".

and time it is! i spent most of last night making plans for the summer. i'm about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life. i've decided to travel through asia with one of my friends for about 3 months. we're leaving for china around the 20th of april and don't plan on returning to canada until the end of july. our plan of attack is this: 3 weeks touring china; 3 weeks tbd (my friend is going to india, so i'm looking at meeting up with some other friends who will be in the area at the time); 1 month thailand, laos, combodia, and vietnam; 1 week thai islands; and then (hopefully) 3 weeks australia. so i know what you're probably thinking: damn, that's going to be expensive. and it will be - applying for a big ass loan is numero uno on today's to do list. slightly disappointed that australia didn't work out. however, my job requires me to travel quite a bit, so i plan on taking a 6-month transfer there in my first year or two of working.

also, i woke up today to a some super cute emails from a few of my friends back in toronto. they heard through the grapevine about what happened between matt and i over the weekend. wow - i've always known that i have great friends, but i was not expecting the amount of support that has been flooding in over the past few days.

yesterday i was completely on track with my eating (27 points - but earned 6 activity points so i had the extra 2 covered). i went for a run yesterday evening to release some tension and, to my surprise, i was able to run 40 mins. without stopping! i haven't been able to do that since last summer. shows that my fitness is improving. i'm practically an american gladiator.

going out tonight, so have to plan my day accordingly. my goal is to earn 4 activity points and to have 4 daily points left over for when i start drinking at the early hour of 7 pm. yup, tonight is going to be major. personally, i hope not to hook up with anyone. perhaps not the most pc goal, but it's true - i really don't want to rebound!

i believe in horoscopes

2008-03-26T19:25:00.004-04:00

check out my horoscope from this past saturday (the day matt and i officially called it quits):

"you've been trying hard to be what you imagine you ought to be rather than being who you are. respect is gained when people know you're true to your principles."

the past few days i've been thinking long and hard about why it didn't feel "right" with matt and i think my horoscope hits the nail on the head when it says that i was pretending to be something that i wasn't. matt's a great guy - as i've mentioned before - and for the past few years i've wanted him to be the guy for me. but in reality he wasn't, so i changed myself to be better suited to him and assumed that everything was a-ok. until i grew up a little more and realized that playing pretend is only fun for so long. i was sick of playing his girlfriend and am finally ready to be my own person. i'm officially boy free for the first time in 2.5 years and i couldn't be more excited to grow into myself. through all of this sadness i've learned a very valuable lesson: never compromise your own person to make someone else happy.

the past few days have been tough - i've definitely had my ups and downs - but my friends and family have been a great support to me. pretty sure i have plans every night for the next few days! exercise has also been a great stress relief. i've only taken one day off from working out in the past week (yesterday - we had a graduation dinner so i was short on time), which i'm very proud of myself for. it's reassuring to know that when the going gets tough, i get running! i've been venturing outside lately and the fresh air is definitely doing me some good. i even walked home from school today (about 35 min. walk) to clear my head. i'm really enjoying the time i'm taking for myself to think about everything that's been going on - even though most of my thought sessions often end in a blubbery phone call to my mom (god bless her little heart)!

while exercising has been great, my eating has seen better days. actually, it was just last night that my eating was off track. and by off track i mean completely derailed. i went to the keg with some friends for dinner, and let's just say that when you're half a bottle of wine in, there's no holding me back from that bread - mmm, keg bread is perhaps one of the best inventions of all time! eurydice just posted some motivating tips, so i'm thinking of printing them out and sticking them on my fridge. hey, a little inspiration never hurt anyone!

ooo and finally, new zealand boy is back and writing to me like it's his job (sweet! - sidenote: still considering myself boy free because he lives on the other side of the world), and it looks like i might be touring asia for the summer instead of settling in australia. it'll be interesting to see how my summer plans unfold over the next few days!

this post is not about feeling sorry for myself

2008-03-24T19:02:00.005-04:00

since i've been up to my elbows in feelings for the past few days, i'm going to dedicate this post to everything that is not relationship related. yup, you heard me. i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. disclaimer: this does not mean that i'm going to be miss. happy-go-lucky from here on out. i just need a break from all of my sadness!

today i've really been focusing on (1) school work (lame!), (2) eating well (1 point left for the day, but i know i can do it!), and (3) doing feel good things (redecorating my room, working out, cleaning, reading, etc.)

so let's start with school. it effing blows. i hate school right now. i have 2 weeks of class left but it feels like an eternity. i can't wait for summer! (see? no miss. happy-go-lucky here)

ok, now eating well. check! here's what i've had to eat today:

1 scoop whey powder (2)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/2 cup silk plain light (0.5)

1 nutri-grain bar sweet and salty bar (3) --> mmm! these are delicious. they don't fill me up in the least, but they taste sooo good!

1 pita pit falafel salad (3) with 1/4 cup store-bought hummus (2)

1 oz. chedder cheese (3) --> oh, i was so pissed when i put this into the tracker and out popped 3 points. i wanted to kill all things dairy.
1 medium apple (1)

1 1/2 cup edamame in shells (2)
12 pieces sushi (6 salmon and 6 avocado) (6.5)

mmm, sushi dinner is my favorite! even though i only have 1 point left for the day, i'm not too worried about it. i plan on going to the gym later today and getting in a major sweat session. my goal is to do 35 mins. on the elliptical trainer and any remaining time doing weights (here's a little inside info on my gym routine: for whatever reason i thought it was a great idea to buy a membership to the gym furthest away from my house this year. did i mention that i don't have a car? and that it's a 45 min. bus ride away? oh, and that the goodlife is only a 5 min. walk away? yup, i make good choices. anyways, i've turned into a raging car whore, fully dependent on my friends for rides to the gym. so i'm not really at liberty to ask my friends to stay longer when they're pooped or vice versa)

so working out brings me to number 3: feel good things. here's my plan of attack for the rest of the evening. you'll notice that there is no room for being sad in my plan. i'm saving sadness for tomorrow.

1. finish presentation for class tomorrow. ok, not really feel good, but must be done nonetheless. and i'll feel better when it's done - right now it's just looming over my head!
2. do laundry. because who doesn't feel great when their towels are clean?!
3. redecorate my room.
4. read! i'm in the middle of a great book right now called "the thirteenth tale". i also just bought "eat, pray, love" as per the recommendations of some of my fellow bloggers.

oh, but before i sign off, there are 2 things that are really peeving me right now (swear to god that's the first and last time i'll ever use the word "peeve"):

1. my friend from new zealand hasn't written me since saturday (to be fair i didn't respond until sunday night)! but still! agh, i know i didn't break up with matt for this guy, but a little male attention would be appreciated right now! especially safe male attention - it's hard to "actually" rebound (if you catch my drift...) when the guy you're supposedly rebounding with lives on the other side of the world.
2. i was hoping to go to australia this summer to work but there's a chance that none of my friends will be able to go with me. that would suck. i suppose i could always go on my own. oh well, i'm sure it will work out for the best in the long run!

i had rabbit for lunch

2008-03-23T11:42:00.002-04:00

easter update: i just ate an entire chocolate bunny in one sitting. maybe i'll start focusing on that whole "being healthy" thing right now.

personal drama update: i've spoken with some friends and am feeling better and better about my decision by the minute. break ups suck, but i'll get through it. besides, australia is getting closer by the minute...

moving on and being strong

2008-03-23T09:47:00.004-04:00

* note: how sweet is the title of this post? i just had to point it out!

alright, so i know i only posted just over an hour ago, but i've been doing a lot of thinking in the past hour, and thought that i might as well write down my thoughts as a reminder of all of the "good" that is going to come out of this breakup. so, without further adieu, my thoughts in list form:

1. my last few posts have been downright depressing. i mean, if you didn't know me and had read them you probably would have thought that i was queen emo and that matt = pete wentz and i = ashely simpson. so not the case. as tough as this breakup is, it is the right thing to do. on the surface i feel shitty about it - i hate that i hurt him and i hate even more that i still do love him. but deep down, in my heart of hearts, i know i had to move on. it wasn't right.

2. i'm really effing proud of myself right now. it takes a lot of courage to do what i did, and as much it sucks right now, i think it says a lot about my personal strength. hey, bad things happen. people change. and instead of running from those changes or merely accepting them, i adapted to them. good on me!

3. one of the reasons i did break up with matt was to "stand on my own 2 feet" (and i quote). and that's exactly what i'm going to do. i want to get to know the real me and have some time of grow on my own. for the past 2 years i have been growing with someone - yes, someone amazing and someone who loved, and perhaps still does love, me very much - but with someone nonetheless. i've just entered into my 20s and i'm just about to leave school. it's time for me to be my own person, to discover what the world has to offer me as a single entity.

4. i'm thinking about moving to australia for the summer and getting a job working as a waitress or bartender there. this may seem like i'm running from my problems, but this is one of the reasons i ended things with matt (see numero 3). thinking about opportunities such as these gives me hope and reassures me that i've made the right decision. the world is my oyster; there is nothing tying me down.

5. there will be other new zealand friends and i don't want to miss out on them. in a way my friend came about at the opportune time - i think if i had stayed with matt during the summer it would have been so much harder for me to end things with him. in fact, i don't think i would have. he was the push i needed. i hope that one day i meet another ben from down under and that when i do i can truly explore everything he has to offer me.

6. if we are truly meant to be together i have faith that we will be. it might not be now, it might not be a month from now or even in a year, but if it's in the stars then we will find our way to each other. i have to believe this. hey, who knows, maybe i'll turn out to be toronto's carrie bradshaw and matt will be my very own mr. big and this blog will be my "sex in the city" column and... i'm stopping now.

so now that i've addressed the moving on aspect of this post, allow me to be strong for a few moments. here are the hardest things about this breakup:

1. he waited for me. we went through 2 years of long distance and the whole time he waited for me. there's a part of me that feels as though i owe it to him to spend this summer with him. but i can't feel obliged to be in a relationship. i have to be in a relationship for me, and not for the other person.

2. i can't get the vision of him standing there in front of me, tears falling down his face, asking me to stay, asking me to rethink everything, asking me to be something i'm not, out of my head (wow - talk about a run on sentence). i don't know if i'll ever be able to get this vision out of my head. it kills me to think about it. ugh. no amount "reasoning" will help me with this one.

3. he fought so hard for me. he did everything he could, and it just wasn't enough. and now he's probably thinking that all of his efforts have gone to waste. i hope one day he realizes that this isn't the case at all - the last few days have been wonderful. oh god, i feel terrible.

4. he used to look at me like i was the center of his universe. when i left last night, he just looked broken.

oh right, i totally forgot that the purpose of this blog is to help me deal with my emotional eating. well let's just say i've been calming myself with hoards of chocolate and white carbs. i'm going to let it be today, but tomorrow i'm back on track. i need a diversion from all of this "woah is me" crap anyways.

day 1 sans bf

2008-03-23T08:07:00.005-04:00

matt and i broke up last night. i haven't been able to stop crying since! even though i broke up with him, i feel horrible about it. he was devastated. and i can't believe i did that to him. ugh, as much as i want to go back there and hold him, i know that i can't. this sucks major balls.

i know i made the right decision, but going through with it is going to be so hard. i don't want to be with anyone else - i won't be rebounding anytime soon. and that's probably for the best anyways. the purpose of this break up is not to end things with one boy and go running into the arms of another.

i hate myself so much for hurting him like that. i don't ever want to do that to someone again! i absolutely hate myself for it. i realize that what i did wasn't wrong, but i can't stop feeling tremendous amounts of guilt. ahhh! i just wish i wanted to be with him still.

i have this sinking feeling in my stomach - i hope it's not regret. i'm slightly worried it is. ugh. this past week has been so hard on me. i just wish times would start getting easier - and fast!

the worst part about this is that i still do love him - and that's what's making letting go so fucking difficult (pardon my french). it just wasn't right. jesus! i hate this, i hate this, i hate this.

well, as a pseudo-catholic (meaning i was rasied catholic but don't really believe in the insituation of the church), and in light of easter, i might as well view this as a re-birth. sure, this is the end of one chapter in my life, but at the same time the beginning of another.

boggled

2008-03-19T21:30:00.003-04:00

wow, i really have no idea what to do about my relationship right now. i'm beginning to think that the only reason i leaped to make a decision was because of my friend in new zealand. sure, he was great, but will i realistically ever see him again? was he even that great? what if i do get the chance to know him and he turns out to be a complete and total asshole? but if it's not him, then who will it be? someone else could just as easily come along and sweep me off my feet, right? right? what if i don't take this opportunity to end things and get trapped in a relationship i don't want to be in and have to go through this entire process again? what then? and what if this is love? and what if he is the the person i should be with, despite all odds? what then? what if i'm making the biggest mistake of my life? is taking the road less travelled really all that great? our relationship is so safe, perhaps it's best to stay in my little safety net! i just don't know!

bottom line is i'm worried that i've disillusioned myself as to what life will be like without matt. and without ben. basically, what life will be like on my own.

and now it becomes so obvious: i'm scared shitless. yes, there's a part of me that wants to stay with him, but there's always that part of me which is going to wonder, "what if?" can i live with that feeling right now, for the long run? or do i have to satisfy my curiosity by exploring the unknown? at this point it seems as though any decision is better than no decision. so what do i do? i don't know. sure, it may be obvious to all of you out there in web-erland, but to me, this issue is just as murky as it was when i first decided to end things. nothing's set in stone, so then why should this decision be? does that even make any sense? these ramblings are just leading me in circles...

break ups never end

2008-03-19T15:48:00.003-04:00

it's been 2 days and i can't seem to go through with it. i've tried twice: once on the phone (i backed out because i didn't want to break up with him on the phone) and the second time last night/this morning. when i said "i think we have to go our separate ways" he got so upset. i've never seen him like that before. it broke my heart. so we talked about putting this decision off until the summer when we won't be long-distance anymore. i agreed to this, even though i don't know if i should have. i mean, i love him so much, i don't want to hurt him, but at the same time i'm 21 and ready to live my own life. ugh! i hate this - no matter what i do i'll be letting one of us down. i told him that i have my doubts about this decision, and he said he understood. i just wish i had the courage to go through with it! ugh. i feel like emotional crap.

anyways, on the positive side, i came home and went for a run (40 mins. - go me!) and tracked my points for the first time in days. i feel really good about getting back on track. it'll be tough to stay on track while i'm going through this relationship hell, but i'm going to do my best. when everything else in my life is going to shit, i might as well keep my healthy habits up!

alright, so here's what i've had to eat today:

1/2 cup quaker 1-minute oats (3)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1/2 cup source yogurt with 1/2 cup frozen raspberries (1)
1 medium apple (1)

1 ww bagel (2)
1 hardboiled egg mixed with 1 tbsp. low-fat mayo (3)
spinach and 1 medium tomato (0.5)
1 100-calorie pack of cheetos (2)

1 40 min. run, 5 mins. of which was walking (-4)

that leaves me with 11.5 daily points, and 4 activity points (total of 15.5 points). totally manageable.

i'm at my parent's house in toronto now and plan on spending the rest of the day doing "feel good" things, like cooking and painting (little known fact about me is that i'm way into sketching, painting, and fashion design). maybe i'll even walk my dog. looks like this "non-breakup-breakup" is already making me a better person!

"love" or something like it

2008-03-17T16:38:00.005-04:00

it's funny how someone you've only known for a few short days (and may never meet again) can have such a profound impact on your life. someone you never knew existed one day, but changes your life forever thereafter the next. i met someone like this over the weekend. his name is ben, and is from new zealand.

sure, at first you may think this post is overly dramatic. but for me in my current situation, it barely captures my emotional state. allow me to begin by telling you that i've been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years. we met when i was going through my "too skinny" phase and he was a great support as i was leaving it. he graduated at the end of my second year, and we have been pursuing a long distance relationship since then.

my boyfriend is a great guy - our relationship has been very positive. he's never not treated me well - never cheated, has always been devoted, etc. last march, however, we broke up for about a week. he ended it with me, and then asked to get back together about a week later. i agreed, but always doubted my decision to continue seeing him. how could i ever forgive the person who broke my heart? i don't know how, but somehow i managed to accept his mistake. it took a long time for me to regain trust in him. in fact, in retrospect, i don't think i ever really did.

since we got back together i have been questioning my relationship. there are so many people and places i want to see and i don't want to feel tied to any one person or place. and right now i do feel that way - to matt and to toronto. i want to be free to explore and discover the world! ben showed me how important it is that i do just this. our brief relationship showed me how much i was missing out. and a boyfriend show not deprive you of life experience. he should enhance them. right now i believe he is taking away more than he is giving.

i hate it that i'm going to break his heart and most likely mine in the process. but i know i have to end things with him. i don't feel guilty about ben (to be fair, nothing physical happened... it was more "emotional cheating" than "actual cheating"). i don't regret anything i did. i feel as though he was the push i needed to end my current relationship. i'm worried that i'm making a mistake, but i know deep down this is what i have to do. and if it is a mistake, so what? live and let live. i can never deny myself of my emotions. and i'm not going to start today.

so here i go - 6:30 pm is our call. i would rather end things with him in person, but he picked up on my tone last night on the phone and began to press me on it. i wasn't going to lie to him. it's interesting, though - i'm surprisingly calm. i hope it goes well. wish me luck!

i'm a busy bee

2008-03-11T21:42:00.005-04:00

the past few days have been a whirlwind. while the bulk of my school work is over for the semeseter, i've been really busy organizing an event at school. my school hosts an international conference each year and this year i was responsible for communicating with all of the international delegates. quite the job when you have 60+ people coming from all over the world! anyway, it's my one involvement, so i want to do a good job. the conference starts tomorrow and lasts until sunday morning.

so here's the thing with the conference: it's really just an excuse to get drunk and hook up with foreigners (those of us with significant others, however, get to watch from the side lines and live vicariosuly through our single friends... hmmm, that actually sounds a tad creepy). booze is provided (yup, you heard me right, all you can drink free booze) and we get line bypass to all of the most popular bars from wednesday night until sunday morning. all in all, quite the social extravaganza. only thing is it's hiroshima for my waist line. ugh! i'm really worried about all of the drinking. because when i get drunk, my inner fattie bursts out and consumes everthing in sight. and by everything in sight, i mean it. last night, for example, my roomie and some friends went out and when i came home i went to town on a jar of peanut butter. seriously, i didn't even use a spoon.

for the past day or so i've been trying to think of strategies to avoid downing copious amounts of food. and i think i've found it: i'm going to be gentle with myself. that's its. no planned workouts, no pre-made meals, no nothing. i'm going to trust myself to make smart decisions. sure, if i have the time i'll try to squeeze in a run here and there. or if i can run home for a meal instead of eating ou i'll do it. but if i can't, i'm not going to let it ruin my day. i think the worst think i can do is let myself get into that whole "i feel so bad about eating that treat so i'm going to down this tub of m&ms" cycle. the competition is only 4 days long, and 4 days of eating less than perfectly is not going to kill me. it hasn't in the past, and it's not going to this week.

ok, so now that my little pep talk is over, a little review of what i've eaten today (please keep in mind that i was hungover as all hell and had 9:00 am class):

1/3 cup quaker oatmeal (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 small orange (0.5)

1 cup cantaloupe (1)
1 source yogurt (1) --> how much of a rip off is it that source yogurts are 35 calories and 1 effing point? aykarumba!
1 all bran bar (2)
1/4 cup skim milk in coffee (0.5)

1 pita pit salad with chicken (3) and
1/4 cup hummus (2)
30 pieces m&ms (estimating 4 points)

1 fruit and yogurt parfait (4)

1.5 cups edamame (2)
12 pieces sushi (5.5)

1 skinny tall latte (2)

1/2 cup golean! crunch cereal (1)
3/4 cup all bran flakes (1.5)
1 cup silk light (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

total points = 34 --> 9 over daily amount of 25

ugh, this number doesn't make me too happy. oh well, all i can do is move on. here's my game plan for tomorrow:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. jam (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries (0)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)

1/2 can tuna drained (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
lettuce and vegetables (0)

1 medium apple (1)
1 cheesestring (1)

total =13.5 with 11.5 remaining. this should get me through the dinner and our first night out. also, my goal is to run for 30 mins. either tomorrow morning (depending on what time i get to bed) or at lunch.

snowstorm = life ruiner

2008-03-08T20:43:00.005-05:00

ok, so perhaps "life ruiner" is a little extreme. but it's definitely ruining my saturday night!

my frustrations in list form:

1. bf was supposed to come visit me at school this weekend but was unable to do so. why? too much snow.
2. friends and i were supposed to go out tonight (while i was hesitant go out earlier today, cabin fever has made me do a 180 since then), but aren't anymore. also due to too much snow.
3. i had planned on going to american apparel to get some leather-like spandex, but was unable to leave my house because there was too much effing snow.
4. i want to eat my face off becasue (a) i'm lonely, (b) i have nothing else to do minus work (work doesn't count because i hate it), (c) i can't order movies through cable at my house at school, (d) i was really looking forward to buying new leggings, and (e) i hate snow.

um, yeah, so tonight sucks. ahhh well, i'll get through it. i just have to remember to find things to do besides eating. like... remembering that there are people in the world who have much bigger problems than a measley little snowstorm. i'm officially a horrible human being.

sometimes i count...

2008-03-08T17:24:00.006-05:00

... foods that are 2 points as 1 point. take my (second) afternoon snack today: 1 apple and 1 cheesestring. now technically the cheesestring should be 2 points (60 calories, 4 gm. fat, 0 gm. fiber), but i think that's just too much for 1 measley stick of cheese. ok, i take that back. it's not a measley stick of cheese - after all, you can make some sweet hoola girls and furry things out of it. but still!

this brings me to my second weight watchers confession: i eat 2 more points each day than i should. everytime i do the quiz i add 2 points to my total. the extra 2 points makes the program that much more manageable for me. when i eat more on a regular basis, i tend to binge less. after all, my primary focus right now is handling my bingeing and not loosing the 10 or so extra pounds i'm carrying around.

onwards with the news. or my news, i should say. today started off great: got up, made french toast for breakfast, went to the gym, had a healthy lunch and afternoon snack. and then about an hour ago intense hunger hit. eff! i could eat a cow. i think part of my problem is the copious amount of snow that is currently being dumped on southern ontario. i can't see out of my window, let alone go for a walk, shopping, coffee. i literally can't leave my house! this is bad news bears for my growling stomach, as i find leaving my house the best way to get my mind off of eating. ugh!

my menu for today:

2 ww bread (1)
1 egg (2) --> notice how i counted this as 2 points. i swear i don't cheat all of the time!
2 tbsp. light maple syrup (1)
1 source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries (0)
1/2 cup soy milk (1/4 cup for french toast and 1/4 cup for coffee)

1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1/2 can of drained tuna (in water) (1.5)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
2 tbsp. balsamic vinegar (0)
lettuce and veggies (0)
1/4 cup soy milk (for tea)

1/2 scoop whey powder (1)
3/4 small banana (1)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1/2 cup soy milk (1)

1 medium apple (1)
1 cheesestring (1)

8 points remaining plus 4 activity points. 12 should do quite nicely for today.

dinenr is tba, but looking like white fish with sweet potato fries. i might even cave and make some pasta. pasta always fills me up!

some of my friends want to go out tonight, but right now i would rather stay at home and get caught up on work. i hate going out when it's blizzarding out. i spend about an hour getting ready only to end up looking like sasquatch upon my arrival. real cute.

finally back!

2008-03-07T20:11:00.012-05:00

after 10 days in europe, and possibly the 5 busiest days of the school year yet, i finally have my life organized again! phew. i get so antsy when my room is messy and when my fridge is empty. but today i knocked both cleaning and grocery shopping off of my todo list. way to go me!

well, i'm way overdue for a recap of the past 2 weeks, so here i go:

1. europe was phenomenal. one of the best trips i've ever been on. i went with my roomie and our mutual friend ash. although our flight out was delayed by 12 hours (grrr!), we arrived in glasgow, scotland safe and sound and partied there the first night. the next day we flew to paris (yes, paris! i was actually there!) and spent 4 days exploring the city. highlights from paris: drinking 2 euro bottles of wine, the louvre (greek and roman ruins, divinci, 15th and 16th painters), the mussee d'orsay (manet, monet, degras, van gogh), montemarte, and, of course, le tour eiffel (god, i'm so french!) oh, and did i mention the shopping? 2 dresses, 1 coat, and a few accessories. all in all, i did pretty well for myself! we then took a train to amsterdam where, as you may have guessed from my last post, we got out of this world high. here's a little tip for all of you travellers out there: when the woman who sells drugs for a living tells you to only eat 1/2 a space cake, do not, i repeat, do not, eat more than 1/2 a space cake. otherwise you'll end up like my friends and i: stoned for 24 hours plus. i kid you not. anyways, after 3 days in amsterdam (1 of which i have no recollection of... thanks, space cakes), we returned to paris for our last night and flew back to toronto the following day.

here are some pictures from our trip:

(entrance to the louvre)

(some sweet graffiti we found in montemarte)

(the real moulin rouge. it was slightly disappointing, actually. i thought the pink elephant from the movie was real!)

(my roomie and i (i'm in the dress!) checking out some bikes for rent. you can rent them for a few hours all over the city and then drop them off at another bike rack. pretty cool idea)

(downtown amsterdam)

2. as i mentioned previously, this week has been crazy busy. i got back on tuesday to a pile of work that i didn't even know i had. the jet lag didn't help things either. everything is all done now... thank god! my calendar is pretty open until the end of the semester when i have 1 exam. that's right, you heard me. 1 exam. i lucked out this year!
3. while i was away, i was really worried about my weight. i was very disappointed in myself to see how much it bothered me. i thought that i had let go of a lot of negative feelings when i got through my "too skinny" period a couple years back. but unfortunately they reared their ugly heads again while i was away. in retrospect, however, i had no cause for concern: i put on 2.1 pounds (tuesday morning weigh in), all of which i lost in 2 days (thursday morning weigh in). since i've been back, i haven't experienced any of those ugly emotions. i hope i can keep them at bay.
4. the project that was due the day i left turned out horribly. the project iself was alright, but our group dynamic went to complete shit. ah, well, except for the presentation we have to make in a couple of weeks, it's over. however, there was one good thing about the project: i learned a lot about managing people. i made tons of mistakes, as my group members did as well, but i truly believe that we are all the better for it. i hope i remember the lessons i learned from this experience when i start my new job in the fall!

wow, what a recap. and now on to what i've eaten today:

1/2 cup instant oatmeal (2.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt (1)
1 coffee with 2 tbsp. 2% milk (0.5)

2 slices ww bread (1)
3 oz. turkey (2)
3/4 cup campbell's healthy request minestrone soup (1.5)
1 medium apple (1)

1 scoop whey powder (2)
1 small banana (1.5)
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries (0.5)

1/2 cup amy's spicy vegetable chili (1.5)
1/2 cup garbanzo beans (2)
1 small baked sweet potato (1.5)
salad (0)
dressing made with 1 tsp. olive oil, 1 tbsp. dijon mustard, and lemon juice (1)

that leaves me with 2.5 points for the rest of the day. definitely doable.

i have yet to get in any exercise today, but i plan on going to the treadmill downstairs and walking inclines for about 40 minutes.

update from amsterdam

2008-02-28T15:38:00.003-05:00

wow it's been a long time since i last posted. i'm going to have to keep this one short and sweet, as i only have 8 minutes and 18 seconds left of internet time.

europe has been amazing! it's an entirely other world over here. it's taken me a while to get used to the different lifestyle, but now that i've adjusted to it, i'm in complete and total love. everyone here is so chill. and the food is amazing. pretty sure i eat baguette/pastry with every meal and snack.

so let's talk about the food in europe. and let's talk about it in the most concise way possible - pros and cons style:
pro 1: it's delicious.
con 1: it's so delicious i can't stop eating it.
pro 2: it's cheap.
con 2: actually, it's not that cheap at all. i never think of euros in canadian dollars, so really i'm paying 50% more for everything over here than i would back home in canada. (disclaimer - after re-reading this post, i don't really know why this is on my list - but, since i feel it captures the "state" that i've been in for the past few days, i've decided not to delete it - *wink*wink*)
pro 3: there are different mcflurry flavors in each country.
con 3: i feel obligated to try each mcflurry flavor, as mcflurries are the most delicious things ever invented (minus peanut m&ms, my mother's baking, and a few other select items).
pro 4: it's full of calories, so theoretically i should stay fuller longer.
con 4: notice my use of "theoretically" in the above line. in actuality, fat makes me want to consume more fat, so this pro isn't a pro at all... it's a lie!

conclusion: i have noticed a visible difference in the size of my belly over the past 8 days. my clothes are snugger. even my tights! gasp!

prognosis: enjoy the last few days in europe, and get the hell back on track on tuesday. until then, make good choices. drink water. walk loads.

i hope everyone else has been having an enjoyable week. i haven't been able to check your blogs lately, but will be sure to do so when i'm back in canada.

bonne voyage!!

2008-02-21T16:04:00.003-05:00

lately my posts have been pretty negative, so my goal for today's post is to keep it positive. and i don't think it'll be hard to do because.... drumroll please... i'm going to europe tomorrow!! saweet!!

instead of doing the typical, "oh i'm in 4th year, let's go to an all inclusive resort in mexico and drink pina coladas and hook up with randoms/ex-boyfriends/friends/etc." for 7 days, my roomie, our good friend ash, and myself are heading over the pond to europe. we're flying to the uk tomorrow night, and then to paris on saturday. we plan on spending a few days in paris, and then training to amsterdam and possibly berlin. i've never been to paris, so on a scale of 1 to 10 for excitement, i'm pushing a 9.

in all of the stress and craziness that has been the past few weeks, i completely forgot about our trip. but the first thing that came to me this morning was a vision of my friends and i standing infront of the eiffel tower, with red berrets and dark lipstick, chain smoking, and drinking wine. god, sometimes i am just sooo "adult". i'll be sure to posts pics when i get back.

ok, so this next part is going to be a bit tricky, since i've promised to be positive in this post and when it comes to this issue, it can be incredibly hard for me to do so at times. i'm just going to bite the bullet and say it: today was weigh in, and i gained 2.3 pounds. i'm not going to scream, or curse, or pinch my belly to see if the fat is "really there". i'm going to accept it, move on, and continue making positive changes. i know why the scale went up this week: my emotions were out of sorts, and i ate to try to calm them. obviously, and as i should know by now, this didn't work. but that's a-ok, because today i'm miss. cheery and i refuse to: (1) feel guilty, (2) feel bad about myselfk, (3) overeat in an attempt to feel "better", and (4) look into the mirror and think about what i would look like if only i was a little thinner. no, not today.

here's what i've had to eat so far today:
1/2 cup oatmeal (2.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 small orange (0.5)
1 coffee with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)

1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1 cup frozen whole strawberries (0)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1/2 tbsp. light cream cheese (0.5)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)

1 cup gardenay squash soup (1.5)
1 ww wrap (1)
1/2 can tuna in water (1.5)
1/2 tbsp. light mayo (0.5)

1/2 cup Nature's Path flakes (0.5)
1/4 cup GoLean Crunch (1)
1/2 cup Almond Breeze (0.5)
1/4 cup frozen blueberries (0)

Dinner is tbd. going back home to toronto tonight to see the bf before i leave. i'm pretty excited. he's been such a great support during the past few days.

horrible day = lots of lessons learned

2008-02-20T01:11:00.005-05:00

as i wrote earlier this evening, i'm having a horrible day. i'm in the midst of working on a major group project, which is due at the end of this week. we've had this project for almost a year, but most of my group didn't really start working on it until mid january. i began working on it in november and have been holding regular meetings to encourage people to also get their asses into gear since then. all of my attempts up until about a month ago failed miserably.

there were originally 3 girls and 3 guys in my group. however, 2 of the girls are on exchange this semester, leaving the 3 guys and i to finish the project on our own. my closest friends in the group are these 2 girls. i wish they could have been here tonight!

so allow me to schoot the shit (pardon my french): we had a meeting this evening and i did not act appropriately. i let the stress of this project get to me, and i lashed out at my group members (i wasn't cruel, but firm... and to be fair, i made a point of doing it in the nicest way possible). i openly complained that they were not doing enough. this past weekend, for example, two of them went to the us drinking, while i spent a good portion of it working on the project. the other group member was mia for most of the weekend.

when two of them left the meeting to do what i thought were separate things, i spoke candidly with the other one about how i was feeling (let's call him "sean", not because i want to protect his privacy, but because that's his name, and if he should ever stumble upon this blog, i want thim to know how i feel right now... grrr!). i told him that i was feeling under appreciated, and that i wanted all of us to do well on this project. sean sat with me and helped me work through a problem, which made me feel somewhat better. the other 2 came back in the room and chatted briefly with us before leaving for the night. sean and i stayed longer, and i thought that we were getting along very well. he finally went home, and i stayed to continue working.

about 30 minutes after he left, sean messaged me on msn. he told me that when the other 2 guys left the room, they were actually planning on how to "deal" with me. sean mentionned that he and our other 2 group members no longer trust me with the project, and that they plan on taking it over from here on out. all of this he volunteered to me; i didn't pry to learn more about what they were saying about me behind my back. the worst part is that he ended the conversation with, "anyways, this conversation is pointless, i don't know why we're even talking about this" (sidenote: at this point i was thinking, "you're telling me this to try to make me feel like shit, scumbag!!") we haven't spoken since.

so i called my bf, and i cried. yes, i cried about a stupid school project. did i mention that i'm 21? yup, crying at 21 over a school project = very not cool.

so, what have i learned from this experience? well, lots:

1. never trust sean again. i have worked with him before on group projects, and in the past he has acted poorly. as of right now, feb. 20th, 2008, i vow to never work with sean again. all of you in internet land can be my witnesses. (note: i saved my msn convo with sean as a reminder of this lesson... and to possibly use as blackmail against him later on).
2. take a chill pill. it really doesn't matter how i do in school right now, as i have a sweet job lined up for me when i graduate. learn to stress about things when it matters, and not when it doesn't. tonight, for example, i really didn't need to stress.
3. do not lash out at others when you're feeling stressed. no further explanation needed here.
4. sean deserves to be kicked in the balls for kicking me when i was down. do not ever, i repeat ever, open up to him again. save your emotions for people who aren't going to turn around and use them to hurt you (this includes my dear bf, roomie, girl friends, etc.)
5. blogging is a great way to turn negative experiences into positive ones.

alright, enough bitching and whining. i'm going to zipit. but before i do, here's my plan for dealing with sean and the other 2 group members until this project is over:

- work from home or somewhere i won't run into them. the less face time, the better.
- put your head down and get my work done. in the end, an extra hour or 2 will have no impact on my final mark.
- do what has been assigned to me, and no more. do not "go the extra mile". it's their problem now.
- exercise. it's a great stress relief. and i'll be extra motivated because i'll be angry (my best workouts are always when i'm super angry... i'm going to kick the crap out of that treadmill tomorrow).
- get a good nights sleep.

good night!

oh! and obviously, since my emotions were out of control, i ate to feel better. and surprise, surprise, i feel worse than i did before i ate.

ahhh!!

2008-02-19T19:04:00.003-05:00

i'm going crazy!! i have so much school work to do, i don't know what to do with myself. i'm working on all of these group projects, and they're just going so effing slowly. ahhhh! i want my mom. yup, i just wrote that. this sucks.

i was back on track until today, when i fell off the bandwagon again. i'm so angry with myself, and my guilty feelings are only adding to my stress level. i need to breathe. drink some tea. relax. everything is going to be a-ok. repeat.

after this week is over, i'm officially never procrastinating again. you think by 4th year i would know this by now. but this time i'm serious.

i will try to post again later today. hopefully by then i will have taken a chill pill and have stopped freaking out. again: breathe in, beathe out.

tonight's goal: no more junk!! healthy foods only.

a quickie

2008-02-17T15:41:00.006-05:00

i'm pretty swamped with work right now, so i'm going to have to keep this post quick.

i'm having a great weekend. didn't get nearly as much done as i wanted to work-wise, but had an awesome time volunteering and spending time with my friends. last night i went to watch my super good-looking friend's band play at a local pub. they're a cover band, so i spent the whole night dancing to 90s punk hits (ok, i also spent a good amount of time checking my friend out... did i mention that he's uber hot?). it was so much fun! i planned on only going to watch one of their sets and coming home around midnight to do some work, but i got pretty drunk off of cheap beer and didn't get home until 2:30 am. ahhh well, i'm still glad i went. i only have 2 more months of university, so i'm going to enjoy it dammit!

yesterday i took my lunch to volunteering with me and no one cared in the least. i was so proud of myself for turning down domino's pizza (my favorite, might i add). instead, i had a tuna wrap with cut up veggies. unfortunately i fell off the bandwagon a bit when i got home. i didn't feel like making dinner, so i had a bowl of cereal, and then another, and then a third. that's right - 3 bowls of cereal, 1 sitting. pretty sure i ate a good 1/2 box of GoLean Crunch and another 1/4 box of Nature's Path flakes. that's not even including the 1/2 carton of silk light i threw on there. but, i've decided not to beat myself up about it. too much wasted energery. i realize that this is a learning process, and that the best thing i can do is move forward and make good decisions. and that's exactly what i've been doing today.

i have 12 points left for the day, plus the 4 activity points i earned at the gym this morning. 16 points should last me to the end of the day easily.

looong day

2008-02-16T00:19:00.004-05:00

wow. what a day. so much fun, but so much food. i think i consumed 10 billion calories today (give or a take a million or two). as i mentionned yesterday, i spent the day volunteering. both lunch and dinner were provided: lunch was a buffet of sandwiches, fruit, and tortilla chips, and dinner was a pasta bar. i made healthy choices at lunch, but fell off the bandwagon at dinner. oh, and i fell hard. in fact, it was more like my bandwagon caught on fire and exploded into thousands of little pieces. seriously - it was calorie hell. at this point in time i don't even know if there is a bandwagon for me to get back on. anyways, here's what i ate: 1 large serving of vegetarian pasta (ravioli in tomato sauce), 1 large serving of chicken pasta (cream sauce + lots of cheese = fat on my stomach), 2 bread sticks, 1 serving of salad, 5 Hershey's kisses, and 1 Chocolate Extreme Blizzard from Dairy Queen (in my defense, i ate the Blizzard a few hours after dinner). ugh! and guess how i feel right now? guilty, lethargic, and fat.

i know that the best thing i can do is to track all of my points and plan for tomorrow. i'm also volunteering tomorrow, but only until mid-afternoon (it's a 2 day committment). lunch is pizza. i'm considering bringing my own lunch so as to avoid eating it. i know that pizza is one of my trigger foods and abstaining from it all together will ensure that i stay on plan. however, i'm worried that the people holding the event will think that i'm being rude and inconsiderate by not eating the food. sometimes eating healthy can be such a social faux pas!

my getting back on track plan:

eat filling breakfast with protein:
1 egg (2)
2 ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. jam (1)
1/2 cup Astro plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
1/4 silk light with 1 cup coffee (0.5)

eat a small snack before lunch:
12 almonds (2)
1 apple (1)

plan to work out in the afternoon:
earn at least 4 activity points (30 minutes running, 35 minutes on the eliptical trainer, etc.)

in the groove

2008-02-15T01:20:00.002-05:00

wow, i am so full of energy right now i don't know what to do with myself. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's the sugar free red bull i drank four hours ago that's keeping me up. sometimes i do really stupid things. like drink a can of red bull at 10 pm when i want to be in bed by 12:30 am. oh well, what's done is done. i might as well make use of my artificially high energy level.

tomorrow is going to be tough. i'm volunteering all day, and both lunch and dinner are being "provided". i say "provided" because chances are it's going to be domino's pizza for lunch and pizza pizza for dinner, and neither of those options appeal to me. i won't be getting in any activity points tomorrow, so i'll probably have to dip into my flex. not to worry - i have 32.5 to get me to next thursday. i know i can do it! i've packed lots of healthy snacks to tide me over, as well. here's what i'm bringing with me:

sliced vegetables (carrots, celery, and cherry tomatoes) (0)
1 medium apple (1)
1 small orange (1)
12 almonds (2)
1 Luna bar (3)
1 Source yogurt (1)

i'm also considering bringing some oatmeal and peanut butter to make in the microwave at school if i really don't like the food being offered. i don't want to seem rude, but i want to stick to my diet and fitness goals!

happy, happy day!

2008-02-14T16:12:00.004-05:00

today has been sweet. i woke up around 9 am to my bf calling to wish me a happy 2 year anniversary and valentine's day. it's so nice waking up to someone telling you how much they love you and how beautiful they think you are. it was a great start to the day!

but then something truly wonderful happened. i stepped on the scale and i was down 2 pounds! that's right bitches, i'm back at 145 (where i was in the fall), and i'm pretty effing happy about it. so what did i do to celebrate? i went to the gym and got in a good 1 hour workout for a total of 4 activity points. i'm so healthy it hurts. after the gym i went out for sushi with my roomie and her mom. it was delicious. i could eat sushi forever. i used up a lot of points at lunch (8.5 to be exact), so i'm going to have to be extra careful for the rest of today.

also, today is my 5th day on track. wahoo! usually i break down and binge around day 3 or 4. don't get me wrong - i still have massive cravings - but the difference this time is that i haven't been giving into them. yesterday, for example, i could have eaten my weight in chocolate. to get my mind out of the gutter, i did everything i could think of to stay busy: made a nice dinner, cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed my bathroom, organized my closet, etc. and it worked. thank you jesus.

my menu for today:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
chai tea with 1/4 cup silk light (0.5)

1/3 cup uncooked oatmeal (1.5)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)

1 green salad with dressing (1)
1 1/2 cups edamame (1.5)
8 small pieces tuna shushi (3)
8 small pieces salmon sushi (3)

1/2 scoop whey powder (1)
1/2 medium banana (1)
1 cup frozen strawberries (0)
1/2 cup silk light (0.5)

and, as always, dinner is tbd. i have lots of healthy foods in my fridge, so it should be a good one.

last week i regretted not doing enough work on wednesday and thursday. but yesterday i did nothing after i handed in my assignment. and today i've been too busy deciding whether or not i should go out tonight to do any work (my life is full of problems). looks like i should get down to work and stat. school can be so lame.

week 1 in review

2008-02-13T20:35:00.002-05:00

well, first of all, i accomplished all of my weekly goals. i saved up tons of flex points for the weekend with my bf, i worked out 4 times (twice at the gym and twice in my building), i posted regularly, and i drank a lot ot water. the last one actually got me into a little bit of trouble: one of my profs noticed me periodically leaving his class and asked me what the eff i was doing (my response? i just pointed to my 1 litre bottled of evian and shrugged). sometimes you have to make sacrifices to be skinny.

anyhoo, i'm particularly proud of myself for going to my building gym today. i really, really did not want to go. but in my laziness i stumbled upon a little saying ("you never regret going to the gym, but you do regret not going"), which made me feel guilty about feeling guilty about not going, so i dragged my butt downstairs for some exercise. i ran intervals for 25 minutes. my goal was to run for 30 minutes, but i found my workout to be extra difficult today (maybe because i was super tired?)

one thing i really shouldn't have done this week: pig out on saturday. i knew that i would be going out for a fancy dinner with the bf, so i "reasoned" that the entire day was a write off. i felt so gross afterwards, and i probably would have enjoyed the dinner more if i hadn't been so full of food going into it. i really need to shake this kind of thinking. it doesn't get me anywhere.

lastly, i love exercise! i was feeling lethargic before my run, but now i have so much energy. next time i don't feel like working out, i should remember this feeling. it feels good to be break a sweat.

lacking motivation

2008-02-13T11:44:00.005-05:00

menu for today:

1 ww bagel (2)
1 egg (2)
1 Source yogurt (1)
1 cup frozen strawberries (0)
1/4 cup silk light (0.5)
1 cup coffee

1 apple (1)
1 Source yogurt (1)
1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 large coffee

pita pit salad with:
6 falafel ball-things (3)
3 tbsp. hummus (1.5)
lots of veggies (0)

1 scoop whey protein powder (2)
1/2 cup silk light (0.5)
1 cup frozen strawberries (1)
1 Source yogurt (1)

1/3 cup uncooked oatmeal (1.5)
1/2 tbsp. all natural peanut butter (1)

as of right now, dinner has yet to determined. i went grocery shopping today, so i have lots of options. i'm thinking of making white fish, with sweet potato fries, and a salad. it's my favorite dinner!

my fitness goal for the day is to go to the gym in my building and run on the treadmill for 30 minutes. i have very little motivation right now, having just come off of 3 very stressful days at school (handed in my final assignment this morning at 8 - phew!). not surprisingly, i haven't been sleeping much lately, which has made it hard to stay within my daily points (i ran out of flex points mid-way through a burrito early saturday morning). when i'm stressed and tired, all i want to do is eat and eat and eat some more. however, i've resisted the urge and have been on track since sunday. way to go me! now all i have to do is get one more workout in this week and i will have accomplished almost all of my weekly goals. i can't wait for my flex points to reset tomorrow.

tomorrow is valentines day and my two-year anniversary with my boyfriend. yeah, it's pretty corny that we started dating on v-day, but we did, so i'm going to celebrate the shit out of it (read: get wasted with my friends). i wish i could go back to the city to see him, but i can't because i'm volunteering all day friday and have to be on campus by 9:00 am. oh well! we had such a wonderful weekend together. i miss him so much. i really am so lucky to have such a great guy in my life.

lately i've been feeling pretty antsy at school, and i think it's been coming out in my eating. i'm nervous to graduate, yet so excited at the same time. i feel as though my mixed emotions are rearing their ugly heads in the form of late night binges (like that burrito at 2 am on saturday... yeah, like i really stopped eating it when i ran out of flex points). i need to find another way to handle my emotions. eating doesn't help anything. but even though i know this, sometimes i just can't seem to stop myself.

on the edge...

2008-02-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

i'm on the brink of a binge right now. i have a test in 15 minutes, and another assignment due for tomorrow. i've already accepted that i'm going to have to skip my early evening class to get it all done. ugh, i hate missing classes, but i know that the next week is going to be jam packed with work, so loosing out on sleep right now would not be a good idea.

goal for today = do not go over daily points!! just don't do it!! i have 12.5 points left for today. please god, let me stay away from all things evil and full of calories.

i'll post later today with an update and recap of yesterday (here's a little preview: i was 100% on track!!)

success!

2008-02-11T08:04:00.000-05:00

yay me! yesterday i stayed on plan, and even managed to squeeze in a 45-minute work out before i went to bed. i ate 27 points, 2 above my target of 25 per day. but i also earned 4 activity points from my work out, so i'm still on track. i'm hoping today goes just as well as yesterday. here's my planned menu for the day:

1 egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. blue menu jam (0)
1/3 cup plain non-fat yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
1 cup coffee with 1/4 cup silk light (0.5)

1 all bran bar (2)
1 Source yogurt (1)

2/3 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (1.5)
1 cup canned crushed tomatoes with spices (0)
1/2 can of tuna (1.5)
1 tsp. olive oil (1)
1 small orange (0.5)

don't know what i'm going to do about afternoon snack or dinner yet. i'll probably grab something on campus for my snack, and then come home to whip up something delicious for dinner.

ahhh! only drawback to yesterday: i didn't get as much done as i was hoping to. i got the first 2 things on my list done, but i still have the remaining 3 to do, as well as the things on my to do list for today. yikes! it's going to be another busy day. i'm thinking of skipping my last class of the day (shhh!)

alright, now for today's goals:
1. stay on on plan - under 25 daily points
2. try to squeeze in some exercise - even just riding the bike or walking inclines in my building for about 25 minutes
3. get school work done!

sunday no-fun-day

2008-02-10T15:40:00.000-05:00

i have a lot of work to do today. i mean a lot of work. i'm slightly stressed. i should have done more work on wednesday and thursday before i went away for the weekend. oh well, looking back on what i should have done is not going to help me get through it all today. here's is what i have to do:
1. prepare case for group meeting - due this evening
2. prepare case for class - due tomorrow morning
3. study for geob test - due tomorrow (practice test) and tuesday (actual test)
4. write negotiation paper - due wednesday morning
5. nvp - due next week (ahhh!)

actually, when i write it all out, it doesn't seem like i have THAT much to do. that being said, today is still going to be a busy day. but i'm ready for it. i've taken 2 advils, got my chai tea, and put on my study clothes (also known as super baggy compfy clothes). here i go!

before i get down to work, a little recap on my eating this weekend (after all, this is a healthy living blog!) so i didn't stay away from the alcohol on friday night. in fact, i got pretty wasted. and then i went to burrito boyz and had a delicious chicken burrito, extra spicy (yeah you heard me, i'm tough like that). saturday was not much better. in fact, it was much worse. it was my unofficial anniversary anniversary (it's this week, but we won't be able to see each other on the actual day), so i decided to celebrate by stuffing myself full of left over pizza and chips from the night before. there were even times when i remember thinking, "i don't want to eat this, i'm just eating this because it's here." ugh! that's the kind of mindset i need to break. if only i listened to my inner voice more often.

anyways, my bf and i spent our non-anniversary anniversary by going to the mall and watching a movie (we're a wild and crazy couple). we also went out for an amazing tapas-style dinner. on our way back to his place after dinner, we bought all of the fixings to make icecream sundaes, which we made right before we went to bed (not good for the waist line!) so unncessary, yet so phenomenal.

so, in summary, i feel like a big pile of crap today. a big pile of fat crap.

frustrated!

2008-02-08T21:13:00.000-05:00

i didn't make one of my goals today. i went over my activity points and used some of my flex points to cover my mountain of a dinner. i used 5.5 flex points, to be exact. right now i'm really frustrated with myself. i was planning on saving as many points as possible for my big dinner out tomorrow night. now i only have 27 to work with. grrr!

on a happy note, i made (and exceeded) the fitness goal i set for myself last night. i went to the gym, even when i really didn't want to, and got in a solid 35 minutes on the eliptical trainer and another 20 minutes of walking incline intervals on the treadmill. way to go me! i know i was planning on running for 30 minutes today, but since i went to the gym, and wasn't confined to my apartment, i decided to take advantage of the equipment. i'm planning on running in my building on sunday.

i'm heading out for drinks with the boy and some of his work buddies later tonight, but i vow not to touch a drop of alcohol. you heard me. no alcohol for me. just dc and water with lemon. except for tomorrow, this is going to be an alcohol free weekend. finally!

late night goals

2008-02-08T00:16:00.000-05:00

well, i had a great day today eating wise. i only used 2.5 of my flex points, even though i could have eaten a cow. seriously. if someone had given me a magical cow that could taste however i wanted it to taste, i would have eaten it. hands down. as long as it was organic. i like organic things.

so, in order to ensure that tomorrow is just as successful as today, i thought it best to set some more goals for myself. numero uno: run for 30 minutes on the treadmill (earning me 4 activity points). second goal (i don't know how to say "second" in spanish"... pathetic, i know): do not eat any flex points tomorrow. i'm going out to dinner on saturday night, and i really want to enjoy myself. hence, no flex points until saturday dinner. i know i can do it!

i'm a hungry monster

2008-02-07T18:02:00.001-05:00

i have been super hungry all day. for whatever reason, i just want to eat and eat and eat some more. i think it's because yesterday i was off track and ate much more than i usually do. i always find the first day back on plan to be pretty difficult. i also seem to run into trouble around the third or fourth day of eating healthy. that just seems to be my time to snap. thank god for flex points. it's strange how eating more helps me control my binge eating. on second thought, i guess it makes sense. eat more = more energy = less cravings. hmmm... might have to dip into my flex points tonight.

so i wighted in today, and i was up to 147.1 lbs. not too bad, given that i ate a boatload of salt at dinner yesterday and my period is coming up (too much information?) haha, i guess you could say that i was proud of my 0.9 lb gain. i really think my goal for the rest of the semester should be to maintain my weight. i think focusing on lossing will just make me miserable: i'll either restrict myself too much, and get angry with myself for not enjoying my last few months here, or i'll give into my cravings, and be frustrated with myself for not sticking to my goals. so really, it's loose-loose. maintaining is the way for me right now.

i'm proud of myself for sticking to the goals i made last night. i had protein for breafast and i went to the gym with my roommate. i got in 35 minutes of intense cardio, but i didn't get in any weight training (my roommate drives me to the gym, so when it's time for her to go, it's time for me to go, too). oh well, tomorrow is another day.

this is what i've eaten so far today:
egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1 tbsp. sugar-free jam (0)
1/2 cup astro yogurt (1)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
chai tea (0)
1/4 cup silk light (0.5)

1 schoop whey protein (2)
1/2 tbsp. peanut butter (1)
1 cup silk light (1)

1 medium baked sweet potato (2)
1/2 cup amy's tofu chili (2)
1/2 cup eden's pinto beans (1)
cucumber slices

1 all bran bar (2)
1 source yogurt(1)
1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
12 almonds (2)

i'm planning on having tuna lettuce wraps for dinner (3.5), with 1 cup campbell's gardenay squash soup (1.5). that leaves me with a few leftover points for snacks later tonight, as well as the 4 activity points i earned at the gym today.

2nd time's the charm

2008-02-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

this is the second blog that i've started in the past 2 months. the goal? to find an outlet for all of my stresses. sometimes i feel so overwhelmed with emotion that i just don't know what to do with it, so i eat. and i eat a lot. like today, for instance. i'm worried about my personal life, so what do i do? i go to the local lebanesse restaurant and order the biggest plate of hummus delicous-ness i can find on the menu. mmm. but if i'm being honest with myself, the pain that was there before my big meal is still there. nothing's changed, excpet the amount of sodium coursing through my veins.

i'm on weight watchers, and have been following the program on and off since last may. this past summer i lost about 10 pounds by tracking my points, not going over my weekly flex, and getting my exercise in. this school year has been a different story, however. i've put about 6 or 7 pounds back on, mainly from emotional eating. in retrospect, it's very frustrating. but at the time, i can't help but irrationally "rationalize" my decision. my favorite line right now is this one: "enjoy your last semester at university. you're graduating in 2 months!" no excuse. especially when it makes me feel like this.

i've taken some positive steps since my big dinner. in fact, i just got back from a 20 minute run on the treadmill in my building. it feels great. i wish i could have squeezed in 20 more minutes, but it closed at 11, and i only have so much sway with my landlord (and by so much sway, i really mean none at all).

my diet goal for tomorrow morning is to have some protein at breakfast. that means no cereal!

tentative menu for tomorrow:
egg (2)
2 slices ww bread (1)
1/2 cup plain yogurt (1)
1 tbsp. sugar-free jam (0)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)
1/4 cup silk light (0.5)
chai tea (0)

my fitness goal for tomorrow is to go to the gym with my roommate. i want to get in at least 35 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes of weight training.